To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

I agree with her. Phones downstairs at night. Then there’s no temptation to Google anything when they’re all mucking about upstairs. Good on her.

It's not about you, it's about her house rules.

But as I said, she should've made the rules clear before the sleepover.

I agree. I wouldn’t be happy at all. She can certainly ask for ds to turn it off and not use it, but to demand he hands over his personal belongings, is way way off mark.

But he did have means. Presumably the mother was there and he could have gone to her if needed like we al did before mobile phones. She would have either given him his phone to contact mum or contacted mum for him.

I'm not understanding what the dream is about not allowing phones in bedrooms overnight.

Everyone as rules at home - take your shoes off, only have food at the table, no tv or video games after xxx time so why is this any different?

The dependency we are developing in our children is wild. Learning to be without a phone for a few hours is healthy in my view.

Like... so they know your phone number off by heart? Or have it written down somewhere? Do they know your actual house address and town? Do they know what to do in an emergency if their phone is out of battery or broken or stolen?

So I'm with the mum, partly cos her house her rules and partly because the panic about a young child not having digital access for a few hours is a bit sickening.

OP, can you really not imagine that two boys together might decide to arse around and record some stupid videos whilst on a sleepover? That then later get shared when the app limits are off? None of the reasons your son needs a phone are relevant to the situation as he was at a friend's house with adults. If he was upset or uncomfortable he could tell his host. Some of the dramatics on here about "coming between you" are ridiculous.. especially given your emphasis on encouraging independence.

If this other mum allowed her son to vape him his room, would that be ok at your house?

She had no right to remove his phone. No matter what her house rules are.

Yanbu. I do this when I host sleepovers. When your child is in my care I am responsible for their safety and well being so I will put boundaries in place to support that. I tell parents before hand of my rules. The phones are put in a box on the hall table so if children need to contact parents for whatever reason at whatever time they can. When children and young people get together they can be daft. I removed phones at bedtime to protect my child AND yours. Some phone sleepover shenanigans that have happened in my friendship circle -

Prank calling people in America
Looking up porn (age 7/8)
Stealing the other child's phone and looking up inappropriate YouTube videos so they would get into trouble
Surreptitiously filming a child getting changed into her pyjamas and putting it on the class group chat (age 10/11)...the police were involved.

So whilst you trust your son and he feels aggrieved that the other parent didn't trust him, be thankful that he was being protected.

It’s quite interesting actually, there was a thread on here not to long ago about a Mum wanting to know opinions about taking other kids phones away at a sleepover. The majority were quite annoyed at the idea of their kids phone use being restricted, seems the opposite on here.

On the other thread, I thought the poster was actually sensible to take away phones at a sleepover. OP, you’ve mentioned this isn’t the first time/parent who has passed judgement about your kids phone. In the future, it may be worth bringing this up to the parents. If they have a no phone rule that makes you uncomfortable, you can decide from there what you’d like to do.

I think if she had said to me, I would prefer the boys not to have the phones over night, I would have said 'that's fine, I agree, we always set DS's phone to be pretty much useless after 9pm, except for the capability of texting or calling only us.' So that bit of communication would prevented her from doing what in my view was overstepping by just taking it off him.

In think it's fair enough. Smart phones are also cameras so a safeguarding issue if other children are undressing nearby.

Exactly. If that’s what she wants for her son, good for her ( poor lad, he’ll go nuts when he eventually gets a phone ) but she should have been upfront so there was a choice.

I take phones on sleepovers once they have texted their parents goodnight. I let the parents know and they have my contact details.
Having worked in a secondary I know even the most well behaved children can urge each other on and do things they wouldn't normally do. Just because you have excellent controls on your son's phone doest mean the other child does. It is fairly common for them to be messing around and showing each other porn or violent tiktoks even in year 7 and it only takes one child to do that. I'm sure you'd have been more upset if that had happened because the mum hadn't taken the phone.

I think would have been polite to give some warning so your son would have known to turn his phone over at such and such a time. Otherwise though the judgy thing is real and very annoying!

Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools

This is what all parents think until they, the school or someone else finds out that the child has in fact been looking at porn etc.

The other parent sounds like a very sensible woman.

Now he knows he can decide whether he wants to do it again. No harm done.

THIS!!! I would be more than furious.
I’d have been bloody furious.

She did not have the right to remove your DS’s personal property, no matter that he was in her house or not. Would it have been ok for her to confiscate his wallet or an item of jewellery?

Smart phones are not the devil and I feel sorry for her 14 year old with such a restrictive, small minded parent. I’d be telling her that.

I would never dream of taking a 14 year olds phone off them. It's massively overstepping.

There was a choice. The 13 year old had a choice to stay the night and follow the rules or go home. He chose to hand over his phone because he wanted to stay. When you delegate the care of your child to another adult, it is YOUR responsibility to check whether or not their values and boundaries align with yours, not theirs.

I really do get what everyone is saying and she totally has the right to make her own rules. I would be horrified if anything inappropriate ever went on, and feel like I'm very vigilant as a parent to make sure that wouldn't happen. But still I was surprised by this. I have older children and this has never come up for them. As much as I would never want anything bad to happen under my roof, I would never feel comfortable confiscating another child's phone. Is that really what parents do at sleepovers now?

No phones overnight and no phones in the bedroom are perfectly normal rules and Yabu to be shocked and surprised. If your ds needs his phone all the time you should have discussed it first instead of assuming he would be allowed to have a phone in his friends bedroom overnight.
She absolutely has the right to decide if phones are going to be her child’s bedroom or not. That’s her rule for her child in her house. Just because something belongs to someone doesn’t mean you have to let them take it into your kids room with them. If your rule is your child must always have his phone with him then don’t let him be under the supervision of other people and don’t let him sleep in other kids bedrooms.

I wouldn't be happy about this either. Thankfully no parent of my kids' friends did this.

If he goes there again then I'd tell her that he is to keep his phone on him overnight while he is away from home because you and he like to message each other and could she please remember that.

Her house, her rules yes, but also your child, your rules. There has to be appreciation of that on both sides. She should not just take your child's property.

Actually, if it is a contract phone that your DS has then I assume it is really YOUR property. Say to her that you don't want it taken away from DS when he is away from home. I would.

I normally would be very anti phone too young and would have had no issue with this but I absolutely would want my ds to have a phone incase something went wrong.

Only example I can think of is when my 11 yr old at the time sister was at a sleepover and it transpired the others were drinking. The parents had actually left the house ti go out and my parents had no idea as they were there at drop off. They got really drunk and my sister was terrified. She texted home and my parents made excuses and collected her. They also rang other parents of the kids and waited for them to collect their kids.

My mother always taught us that we could ring home no matter how bad it is and to this day I'd give my child a basic controlled phone with the security of knowing I'm here no matter what.

No parents I knew ever did this. Nor did I.

If some parent took this attitude with me because I enforce sensible rules in my home then I'd tell them to fuck off and that their child is welcome never to sleep over again.