To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

They could do the sleepover at her house.

Nobody is denying anyone a sleepover.

One mother has implicitly criticised the other's parenting though, and I'm not sure she'd feel OK sending her child to someone else's house if she's so fearful and has so little trust in her child and his friends.

Yeah I wouldn’t send my daughter to a sleepover where I knew no one was supervising their internet access. So 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Bournetilly
Agree - a 14-year-old who isn't allowed to walk places on his own, or to develop the skills he will need in adulthood, is a child who is being failed by his overbearing mother.

Personally it is not the phone but taking someone's property I have an issue with

Omg how did 13 year olds function before they could text their mums goodnight from their friends homes.

Taking someone's property? She would have given it back the next morning.
She took it because she didn't want children messing around with phones unsupervised in a bedroom.
She took it because she's the adult in charge of the children in her house.

Frankly I think we’d all be better off if phones were put firmly away at 9pm! Your kid is 13 on a sleepover at a friend’s house. He isn’t a fretful tot away from his mummy, or in any danger. What did you think might happen?

She clearly didn't want two boys up pissing around on phones all night - which is fair enough. So easier to take both, as a ‘family rule’ than create some weird situation where her son doesn’t have his but yours does.

I think this is isn’t about your son. It’s about you, and your need to be in control. And a lack of empathy for the other parent navigating different phone rules. So yabu.

As someone who regularly deals with the fallout of teenagers having phones in bedrooms at sleepovers, I'm firmly in the camp of not allowing phones overnight. You'd be surprised how many seemingly sensible kids do stupid things with cameras and social media when they're together with friends. Then it's down to people like me to untangle the mess, call all the parents, and quite often call the police.
It's worrying that so many offences are committed by kids who absolutely meant no harm and definitely knew better than to snap their genitals (or their sleeping friend's genitals) and bung the pic in a large group WhatsApp at 3am. They're usually the sensible ones who make you wonder WTF they were thinking of, as do they when they're sobbing in my office at lunchtime on Monday.

Someone's property FFS, it's a child's phone, an item which is not neutral or without potential for mischief or harm. The ADULT in the scenario has every right in her own home to take something off a CHILD which will be returned and which they have no need for (want is a different thing). The pendulum has swung so far in the direction of centring children's rights and feelings that we have lost our capacity to actually be responsible adults who make decisions which are in children's best interests.

I wonder what OP would be saying if her son was either then perpetrator or the victim in that situation, because then other mother hadn't supervised phones overnight...

I wonder OP, does this mum allow her DS to go on sleepovers to other peoples houses, like yours?

Would she insist that all the other guests have their phones removed by the parent in case her DS sees something on them/is brainwashed by TikTok into having a fetish for husky’s singing and spicy cats not that I would know anything about that of course.

The absolute immaturity of this view

I don't know 'it's 9pm phones need to go in bags now till the morning please' what is wrong with that, no need for dramatics

Yeah you’re right because two 13 year olds definitely won’t take them straight back out again the minute you’re in bed.

There are other alarms available - pumps don’t HAVE to be linked to smartphones. Before Bluetooth LE for wearables was commercialised about ten years ago, diabetics managed fine without smartphone alarms….

But more to the point, OP is not concerned about insulin pumps - she is concerned that her child can’t board a bus while asleep.

He didn’t need it though, did he?

As the mum of a 16 year old, I know that in the world of sleepovers, phones are a bloody nightmare and can cause lots of harm. It’s not just the internet but embarrassing sleep photos being taken and worse. We have a no phones upstairs rule and phones go away at night (on a charging station). I always let parents know the rules before the dc comes but my house, my rules.

I’d be really happy if another parent did this. I think you’re a bit naive. Even the nicest dc fuck yup sometimes so at 13 let’s not leave them with peer pressure and an iPhone because it’s setting them up to fail. Ime, by 15 they’re much more aware of consequences.

Some of these comments are truly disturbing. I don't know how some manage to navigate in the world.

Some of these people probably shouldn't have had children to begin with. I can understand why so many have mental issues with such a batshit parents.

Crikey, sorry to single this post out but it makes me wonder how some kids would have coped in the 80s at sleepovers!
We had no phones then, I do honestly think we've become too reliant on them
So a mum doesn't want them in the bedrooms on.a night
Fair enough, her rules. I'm sure if anything was wrong they'd ring you and let you know, in the meantime enjoy the night "off!"

It's amazing that so many people on here take people's shoes from them at the door yet can't get their head around a parent taking a teen's phone for the night. I wish they had taken the phones at the last sleepover my dd13 went to, her friends were on omegle and other sites/apps and she saw vile stuff she can never unsee.

I’ve never been to a house where people have taken my shoes at the door! Asked to take them off, yes, but generally just leave them by the front door.

I would have no issue with a child being asked to leave their phone downstairs. It’s the taking of the phone by an adult that I wouldn’t be happy with.

We didn't go on sleepovers. Wouldn't have wanted to anyway.

Nobody takes my shoes off me at any door. However, I will take them off myself if asked and leave them by the door. They won't be given to anyone else.

Talk about dramatics! Grow up.

Get a grip! A teenager bit having a phone for one night is not something to be bloody furious about. How was she to know how restricted his phone was? Plenty of parents don't restrict their teenagers phones and they get up to all sorts.