To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

I’m not in competition with other parents. I just care about what I am doing and how my kids are. I trust my children and they have always been very open and honest with me if there are any issues. They are aware of cyber issues and u regularly check in with what they’re up to. I don’t have a prudish attitude which I think helps.

they also have very lovely friends

So I don’t need you telling me how to parent Mrs stranger on the internet

Lost their children how? Are you suggesting I’m going to lose my children?

Surely you',re more independent without a phone?

What is the world like then? Why can't teenagers speak to their friends ' parents anymore?

If only...

But as it's as old as time I'm fairly sure that's a bit of a pipe dream

How happy will the OP's DS be to miss out on sleepovers in the future do you think?

What would you call it then?

My 15 year-old DGC is going on one next week

I think she was fine. I would be very glad that the other parent had good boundaries.

Those of you saying "what if he felt upset" - he could easily ask the mum to phone home etc. This really is a non issue.

I would do exactly the same and if the other parent didn't like it then I wouldn't have the child over again. It's not like she did something dangerous!

And have you the faintest clue about what they were watching or doing with them?

I raised Four resilient, hard working, loving son's that are now in their 20s and there 30s and in healthy relationships. So i think i didn't do to bad in dragging them up.

They wouldn't have been with a group of other kids though? So not using the camera for a start

What 13 year old lad would need to phone his mummy because he missed her, especially when he is at his mates house, he would never live it down.

Did you raise sons that would engage in this belittling, bullying behaviour?

The OP says because he has no phone he can’t go out alone and lacks independence.

But if that’s the case, I wouldn’t at 5, 6, 7, and 8 o clock either. Bedtime would make no difference.

Smartphones and social media are set up to be addictive and to facilitate inappropriate and harmful activity with no effective limits. We aren’t doing our children any favours by letting them have access to this stuff at 13, let alone unsupervised access at night.

This is a long watch but the statistics are compelling.

I am grateful that DC11 is at a school where phones and tablets are banned. He does not ask for a phone and won’t be getting one until well into his teens. Hopefully by then social media will be banned for the under 18s too.

Thing is that teenage boys can't send dick pics to 12 year old girls or access violent pornography on a plastic wallet containing £10 and a Go Henry card or a 9ct gold chain.

This!
I’m a teacher and some of the horror stories (and consequences) I’ve heard about things kids this age get up to on phones at sleepovers is shocking. Be grateful she’s being a responsible parent.

Yes and I am curious about those who won't allow phones for under 16s if that will affect what you allow them to do out in the world. As I said, I really value the independence and self-sufficiency my kids are developing. We didn't mobile phones ourselves growing up, but we did have pay phones everywhere! And you really do need them now for things like transport, event tickets, etc. This particular mum relies on the fact that my DS has a phone. When they are on outings and trips for their hobby she texts my DS to check in on her DS and ask about ETAs etc.

This would irritate me. Not having a phone is fine but using someone else to provide the info she wants is not on. I'd be bringing that up with her before I'd be getting annoyed about the sleepover.
I would have no problem with a screen free sleepover. I found it more annoying on a few occasions when my DS and friends stayed up all night on phones because the parent "left them to it".
And those parents whose kids only have lovely friends, you can't always control who is on a sleepover. One of DS's lovely friends had a few less lovely friends who would be exactly the types to be filming and larking about.

I agree! My DC will definitely have phones when they go to high school (maybe earlier but there still younger so I’ve not thought that far). They will have to get the bus etc. so will need to have independence and at that age will be wanting to go out with their friends. I would feel reassured that they were able to text/ call if they needed anything.

Most 13/14 year olds must have a phone these days (they did 15 years ago when I was that age). The mum should just get her DS a phone instead of relying on your DS, even if it wasn’t a smart phone and he just used it to call/ text.

I agree with her but would have pre-warned about her policy.

A tech savvy 12,13,14 year old can easy get through parental controls.

I’ve seen it happen in my line of work and have been amazed at the naivety of some parents regarding their kids abilities.

My friends 10 year old managed to set up a proxy server (or something like that) to watch TV from another country and also accessed child porn which he thought was porn for kids.

We're not talking about taking, stealing or confiscating. The phone would just be left outside of the bedroom and returned in the morning.

Some people talk about their phones like it's some kind of priceless artefact/ newborn baby/part of their body.

They will have to get the bus etc. so will need to have independence and at that age will be wanting to go out with their friends

Phones make young people,less independent.

I don't think that's true. I suppose they could make you less independent if you just sat in a room and scrolled TikTok. But if you restrict social media and use it for bus route planning and ticketing, walking maps, making appointments, banking and pocket money tracking, exercise tracking, event research and ticketing, then they are a tool for greater independence.

@Rainrainrainrainrainrainrain she has no right to remove any of his property at all, whether it's a phone or a pair of socks.