To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

I don't let my children have sleep overs at other people's houses for safety reasons , i dont trust anyone with my children except my MIL , I host them if you don't like people telling your child what to do , then do this ..

One mother has implicitly criticised the other's parenting though

There is only one person criticizing another's parenting and that's the OP, the other mother just did what she always does in her home, she hasn't passed any judgement on the OP.

It really isn't judgey, its just her rule for her house. We have no phones in bedrooms rule at night. Although I don't take other children's phones on sleepovers (but it is annoying because they then don't sleep at all) I can absolutely see why she did. I do turn off the WiFi at some point in the night during sleepovers.

Kids really shouldn't have access to their phones overnight....that is me being a bit judgey of people who allow it to be honest... most teenagers are totally unable to put down their phones or stop gaming unless forced and have far too much screen time. As a teacher I experience row upon row of overtired and overestimated teenagers who can't stay awake or concentrate on basic tasks in the classroom. I also deal with the fall out of the middle of the night Snapchat bullying or huge whatsapp fights. It is a massive issue which disrupts learning in schools. Maybe this other Mum has actually got the right idea?

Oh f**k off

Exactly this. Parental controls for apps and internet access are only one part of the controls needed to keep children safe when it comes to phones and other devices.

Kids do very stupid things without understanding the severity or the consequences. Why enable the risk for something to occur at all?

There was no judging of the OP from the mum, she's just continued with the norms in her house. Has the OP had a sleep over at her house where she needed to consider all the risks too?

I really can't believe how many parents would let children have phones in bedrooms overnight!! putting aside safeguarding it's just a recipe for kids staying up all night on tik tok - I'm not to know what rules are set on kids phones.

The only thing I can say is that as a parent in this situation I would tell both parent and child that phones stay outside the room at night in our house.

We are realising more and more that smart phones are the devil. Especially not great in the hands of a group of teenagers.

OP I have 3 teens they would hate to be tracked quite as much as you are tracking yours.

She's got no right to take his phone,

Youngest is 13 with the latest iPhone, does exceptionally well at school and we have no issues. Ad you say, we are more happy for him to have more independence as can always see where he is.

How much independence were you allowed at 13? Did your parents track you?

I’ve never tracked my kids - some parents do, and they panic and say ‘Jakes at X house, he said he was going Y do you think he’s ok?’

Plans change at that age.

Some teens FaceTime their parents walking home - why? I find the whole thing ridiculous

It has been really helpful to read all these responses. I don't think they're representative in our circles! As I said I know a few very anti-phone mums who I found quite extreme and unrealistic about modern life, but for the most part we know a lot of parents who have absolutely no rules the phone usage, and so funnily enough we are considered much more strict. We only allow half an hour a day of screen time other than what they need for school/hobbies/logistics. After that their phones become completely useless other than an alarm to wake up. All photos and videos are automatically uploaded to the family account, so we would very quickly see anything untoward. I'm also interested that people are against 'tracking' kids on their phones. Our whole family, DH and I included, and all our devices, are on FindMy, and we all find it very convenient and helpful. We want our kids to be 'free range' and have the run of the city and it's nice to see where everyone is. The kids don't resent it. They like seeing where we are too, especially if they see we might be able to give them a ride!

I don't think a child who wouldn't be able to ask the adults in the house for help in an emergency is ready for sleepovers

OP - if you are considered among the strictest of the people you know re phone controls, and this is a social group where it is known that a lot of kids have completely unrestricted access to the internet, doesn’t it then make even more sense that the other mum would want to set firm boundaries at a sleepover?

FWIW I get the impression that the mood around children and phones is changing - there’s much more of an awareness in the last year or so of how damaging phones can be. Most of your kids are older and the norms when your kids first went to secondary were different - I wonder if that’s why you feel responses on this thread don’t match your own circle.

Yes that makes a lot of sense.

My mother always taught us that we could ring home no matter how bad it is

This would have been my only concern. Children should feel able to contact their parents if they become uncomfortable. Lots of people on here have talked about the codes messages or emojis that their children can send at any time, so they can be picked up.

Yes, it wasn't something available to us oldies, but now it is. And if you've given your child that security blanket, having someone removed it without warning isn't great.
On the other hand I can imagine the trouble the parent would have to deal with if it turned out that the boys had online bullied someone, accessed porn, or got up to other trouble while in her care.

The boy was with adults who could contact parents /m- not at a dodgy party or stranded in the woods

YANBU I really don't think any adult has the right to take away a guest child's only contact to home. Very isolating. Anything could have happened to make him feel uncomfortable and want to be collected that he may not have felt able to voice to her.

This thread is really depressing.

I hope this campaign to ban smart phones for under 16s actually does something.

So sad that many of you don’t trust your own children or their friends.

@Rosestulips or how wonderful that we are aware that children make mistakes which we don't want on the internet for eternity.

Family members work with children who have life long trauma due to parents having your opinion. Nobody thinks their child nor their friends will make an innocent mistake. A photo of a child changing, a dare etc.

Which would in no smartphone land would be a simple memory. A story told etc. In this world it becomes fodder for the horrendous humans in our society.

Let me be clear, all children make silly mistakes. As I tell my own they are meant to, we are one of the only species that arrive as a project as opposed as a fully functional being.

I always give my child and child guests access to a block phone. I put their parents numbers in it. I advise the parents what happens here, most have actually copied the idea. It provides safe access and reassurance to all.

She should have told you first. "Oh btw, I take the phones at night so if you need to get up with ds, please call the house or my cell as he won't have his after 9". Taking it is fine, taking it without informing me would have ticked me off too.

I know that you think this stance makes you a better parent than those of us who understand and accept our children can and do make bad or silly choices sometimes.

it doesn’t.

Yes I’m amazed at the naivety of some parents!

I think you need to do some research and look at work done by parents who've lost their children