To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

But if something happened in the night that was serious enough for your daughter to need to contact you then surely her friend's parents would be involved anyway?

I think most children would be thoroughly embarrassed if their parents were texting them late in the evening.

I would very much support any parent who banned mobile phones, laptops, tablets etc from events like sleepovers. I still remember with horror when my daughter and several others had a sleepover with one of her closest friends when she was 10. She described the next day some of the websites that her friend was showing them on her phone when her parents thought they had gone to sleep, and it was clear that they had been looking at hardcore porn

YANBU and it’s ridiculous that she doesn’t allow her 14 year old to have a phone / go out alone/ be independent.

Yeah that’s the sort of thing tweens/teens look at and even if you have child locks, a lot of them will still allow unrestricted web access through some apps and with incognito mode and stuff like that you wouldn’t know. Anyone who thinks their kid isn’t interested in social media and hardly uses their phone is likely to be deluded.

What do you mean? You would ask your friend's mum to call your mum in the 80s, but not now? Why?

Her house her rules but she was wrong to not inform you beforehand.

I would not let my child sleep over again if they could not easily access their phone to contact me without having to request permission from another adult.

Well you should've mentioned it beforehand. Lesson learned.

You have absolutely failed your child if you haven't taught her to reach out to the nearest adult during a medical emergency.

This is not the same as just confiscating the phone though. It is being very clear about how the phone might be accessed if necessary.

Not the point of the response at all but ok.

Sorry I must have misunderstood what you meant by mentioning the 1980's when even simple mobile phone technology wasn't commonly used by anyone. I would argue that the World is very much the same in all the basic ways as it was then, there are still wars/famine/natural disasters/man made disasters, the whole four horsemen rigmarole !

I think it reasonable to put phones away at bed time. Mine put their phones in the charger next to my bed at night. If I had DS friends over the same rule applies but I am not a fun of sleepover so mine don't have them.

I just want my DC to have 8 to 9hrs of uninterrupted sleep or they can't function well.

I think she is just being sensible and reducing risk. Even though your son’s phone is restricted can he still use the camera? Your son is probably not the type of kid to misuse the camera on a sleepover but this mother doesn’t know him as well as you do and is probably just ensuring that all risks are minimized.
Perhaps you could reach out to her and compromise on the phone being left downstairs in an accessible place for your son? I get your point of view as well in terms of being able to call you in an emergency at any time. I would want that too.

What is so different about it that a child now needs a mobile phone on a sleepover?

The mum absolutely did the right thing in sticking to her normal house rules, I would have done the same.

No doubt you'd have blamed her if your DS had kept his phone, used it to make videos of his half dressed friend, or downloaded porn, given some DC can act out of character when they get together and are winding each other up.

She was not judging you in the slightest, just sticking to what she usually does.

good on the mum tor having rules she’s consistent with. And applying the rules fairly to all kids regardless of the set up of their own phones.

It’s OK for him not to like it but your son was treated fairly.

its your job as his mother to explain its OK for him not to like it but Xs mum has this rule in place in her home to keep all the children safe and as a guest he has to follow the rules. He was well supervised and looked after in a safe home.

yes your son would’ve known that’s what happens in his friends house. That bedtimes are phone fee. Kids talk!

you are also forgetting, although you have secured your sons phone the other kids might have unfettered access to the web! By apply the blanket rule to all kids she did protect your kid too from the potential stupidities of youth and consuming content he really should have no business with.

She should have given prior warning and also said to you/him that he could have it back anytime to message home. But if she doesn’t want phones in the home that is her prerogative. 13 is very young for anything other than looking up directions or messaging you.

And yes agree with PP - you don’t know the settings on the other boy’s phone. So isn’t it better they didn’t have access rather than potentially accessing anything inappropriate?

Why would you deny two friends a sleepover? Talk about overbearing!

I think TBH this is sensible but she should have let you know in advance so you and DS could have decided if he should go or not. Don't take it as a slight on you - he may be a nice boy and you good parents but that doesn't mean that he couldn't or wouldn't misuse his phone. No need of having a phone at night as you say yourself so no harm done.

You appear to be making up as many reasons as possible why your child should have his phone? No need for the bus or apps etc -

So what if two teens where present whilst having a sleep over - no doubt they talked and played games and didn’t involve others or video their escapades - it’s really a non issue.

I don’t care how careful you think you are - kids find ways of doing things.

She sounds very sensible and fair. Nobody needs smartphones at night.

And for all those parents who disagree, check out Jonathan Haidt’s book about smartphone use by children The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness and see if it changes your mind.

There’s a good piece about it here https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2024/03/smartphone-anxious-generation-mental-health/677817/

On a separate point, how did people cope before smart phones were invented?

We coped really well!

She can ask for phones not to be used and to be in bags but taking them is over the top to me

Her house her rules is fine to a point but to take someone's property is wrong unless there was a serious reason too

I find this obsession and anger from parents that their child won't have their phone right by their side when they are safely at a friends house an absolute nonsense .
Children enjoyed sleepovers at friends for years before the advent of phones.
I think its hugely worrying and ridiculous state of affairs!

I get the sense from your post op you're not as much worried for your DS not having access to his phone as you are that you think she is judging your parenting decisions.
If you are happy with your decision you don't need to justify it to anyone, you first post lists a host of reasons you let your DS have a phone, you don't need to do that.
She has rules in her house and you have rules in yours, you just need to realise everyone parents differently and they aren't necessarily judging you

Nobody needs smartphones at night.

People who use insulin pumps which give alarms about high and low sugar readings via Bluetooth tech to a smartphone do, in fact.