BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

This is so bad. It will destroy his reputation in the family. What a pillock. Tell him he needs to reschedule.

Similar happened to my daughter on her 21st she wanted a meal in a club with friends so planned a late night boyfriend gave his surprise at dinner of a 7am flight so no late night everyone headed home from London after dinner.
He went on to be the biggest controlling arse ever she dumped him at the airport having spent the week being told what to wear and when to come to bed.

wonder what she'll choose

Bet it's the boyfriend

What a controlling prick

Hope your discussion with your daughter goes well OP. What an arse he is to put you all in this tricky situation.

I just did too and I agree. Shows a total different side to your daughter. My guess is that she would rather go with him.

He is in the wrong (and possibly waving a red flag, with needing to one up you) but your mistake was making your trip a surprise. Surprises are not good. They are fraught with problems and are more fun for the person organising than the person caught on the hop at the receiving end.

Your plans shouldn’t have been shat on. That’s just rude.

But I’m struggling to put myself in this position I’m 33, and I got married at 28. I was actually one of the last of my friendship group and my younger brothers were both married before me. I had my first child at 30. My SIL is expecting her 3rd baby and she’s 30 next month. As a result it would have been weird as hell for my parents to be in the driving seat over 30 birthday plans.

So, only thing I can say is people are in different life stages. Your daughter is clearly at a different life stage to the one I was in at the same age. Perhaps her BF is too? Perhaps he hasn’t had to be concerned about parents and extended families because he’s just enjoying the fun of dating as an adult. Living at home is unusual at that age (and I get why she would be, I do get it, because I had a traumatic break up in my
mid twenties and had to quit my job and leave my home). He’s 4 months in, I can’t believe they’ve done “meet the parents” let alone “let’s all go on holiday together”. I think I’m going to go with misunderstanding, rather than red flag.

Really feel for your daughter, she shouldn’t have to choose.

That was the youngest daughter, I believe, not the one who's turning 30?

Sounds like Tom from Emmerdale (who is a walking red flag btw). I'd tell him he will have to rearrange rather than upsetting your daughter.

@Grumpynan ive just read this too and it looks like he’s alienating her from you.

this guy IS bad news

hope you can speak to her today and help her see what is happening

Don’t know..

He's either a complete psychopath or an utter moron. Possibly both. Jesus Christ. I hope you all manage to have a lovely weekend, despite the fuckwit.

Is it possible that the BF has told her the family plans and she’s not that into it. So they’ve arranged a trip to London, seeing the family beforehand, but pretending she’s not aware of any of it.

If not, I think he’s a walking red flag.

Lol, I'm pretty sure the OP's met her daughter before and will have an idea of what she likes/doesn't like.

I think he's an idiot and I really hope there's been a massive misunderstanding somewhere along the line. Good luck OP

Any chance he's told her about the trip and they've decided she'd like a trip to london better?

I’m just thinking of my mother trying to arrange something for my 30th. She would 100% have - with the best intentions - got it completely wrong.

'Posh hotel' - with that phrase some be sounds incredibly down market.

You kept him in the loop about the arrangements and gave him a warm welcome and he's just gone behind your back possibly as a power trip to put her on the spot and make her choose you or him.

Whatever happens I would never make him welcome again.

Op I’m nervous for you! It sounds like a fabulous 30th birthday how generous and thoughtful of you and Ddad. bf will be disappointed but remind DD that 18 (?) people will be disappointed if she leaves
for London. Dear family who have been planning and packing and Negotiating work and driving to celebrate her. Of course she can’t leave she’s the birthday girl! BF can be disappointed he can request a refund or a work around on theatre dates in the future. I’m thinking it’s OUTRAGEOUS he thought his plans were going to be acceptable but I’m hoping he is just immature and maybe not accustomed to large family gatherings. But just in case be mindful of attempts to isolate her make her choose plans when he knows it’s an impossible choice. Please update us OP.

Yes, but that can change when you’re in the exciting initial stages of a relationship.

If he has just booked the London trip without her knowing about the cottage, then I think it’s really concerning though, and surely she’ll be annoyed at him shitting all over her families plans that were all geared around her birthday. It’s so bad that she either must know about the cottage plan and didn’t fancy it, or he’s controlling and potentially the type to try to isolate her away from family, be possessive, want her all to himself etc.

That’s presuming OP made it clear that the whole point of the weekend was all about her daughters birthday, which I’m sure she must have.

What a twat

Oh what a massive red flag, it should have bells on it.

Controlling after 4 months. 🚩🚩🚩

@Grumpynan sorry to ask, but is there an update yet?

I remember the days when it was appropriate to be nervous when meeting the parent's of a girlfriend. Nobody would have dreamed of riding, rough shod, over their plans, especially this early on.

The only way this could even remotely be recoverable for him would be if he throws himself on his sword and confesses he got it completely wrong. Even then.....