Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner went behind my back and bought a pet spider!

183 replies

reginaphalange321 · 28/03/2024 13:08

Just that!

my DP and I have been together around 2 years and still live separately although he does stay at my house most of the week. DP went behind my back and bought 2 spiders to keep as pets and the problem is myself and my 16 year old DD are terrified of spiders. The spiders are very small at the moment but one of them will grow to around 20cm and the other one is a jumping spider. We are taking about moving in together which would mean he would sell his property and move into mine as it’s closer to DD school and is a bigger house and has an extra bedroom. I asked my DP before he bought the spiders not to and he promised me he wouldn’t and even told me he phoned up and cancelled the order when in-fact he hadn't. at this point we were talking about moving in together as was only in January so he said he would get rid of them when this time came around. The problem is now that we are planning on moving in together and he thinks I am being unreasonable asking him to get rid of them and says he will keep them in a garden shed. AIBU asking him to get rid of them?

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 28/03/2024 13:09

I'd get rid of him to be honest.

StopStartStop · 28/03/2024 13:10

He has to go, OP. Imagine those things in your house. He doesn't care.

Also, he lied to you and he did not consider your expressed opinion - or he considered it and ignored it.

Whatever you do, don't have him in your house and don't give up your home for him.

tootyflooty · 28/03/2024 13:11

100% that would be a deal breaker with me, no way would I be cohabiting with spiders, in the shed or otherwise. Can you just not keep to the arrangement you already have. I would stand your ground on this one.

Poppyseed14 · 28/03/2024 13:11

That would be a deal breaker for me too OP. Ugh 🤢

BasiliskStare · 28/03/2024 13:13

I am properly arachnophobic and this I am afraid would be a no - we are never moving into together. Not ever. What if the shed has a hole in it. Never mind about that I couldn't sleep knowing there are two scary spiders at the bottom of the garden . It is irrational , I know , but I can't help it, this I would put my foot down on.

WaltzingWaters · 28/03/2024 13:14

Fellow arachnophobe here and that would be the end of the relationship for me! No way would I have them in my house, or stay at his with them there. And then there’s the problem of him lying to you about getting them.
I know it’s an irrational fear but he’s completely dismissed your feelings on this one, even after discussing moving in together.

1daughterand3sons · 28/03/2024 13:14

It would be a deal breaker for me if he wants to keeps his spiders he can also keep his own property to keep them in

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/03/2024 13:14

I don’t mind spiders but not tarantula types as a pet. Not in a million years. He won’t keep it in a shed, he’ll use the excuse the cold will kill it ( hopefully ) and you’re being cruel insisting.

HummingbirdChandelier · 28/03/2024 13:15

Don’t even think about moving in. Super weird behaviour. I don’t think I could keep even seeing him. And I’m not phobic when it comes to spiders: maybe phobic of weird men though 😂

Riva5784 · 28/03/2024 13:15

The deal breaker isn't the spiders themselves, it's the fact that he lied to you. Do not move in with him.

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 28/03/2024 13:15

Your partner is deceitful. He knows how you feel, and he lied to you about cancelling. Do you really want to be with someone like this?

existentialpain · 28/03/2024 13:16

He is being incredibly selfish. He knew you and DD were scared of them yet he still bought them with a view to moving in with you eventually. That is not the action of a caring partner. He just assumed you'd back down eventually which shows a lack of empathy on his part.

Rhoticity · 28/03/2024 13:16

Riva5784 · 28/03/2024 13:15

The deal breaker isn't the spiders themselves, it's the fact that he lied to you. Do not move in with him.

This

He lied to you

It won't get better

unsurebut · 28/03/2024 13:17

God, just your description makes my skin crawl! I wouldn't trust him not to bring them into the house at some point to just hold them or something 😱

SevenSeasOfRhye · 28/03/2024 13:17

How long are they expected to live - spiders don't have a long lifespan. Might it be that he thinks they'll no longer be around by the time the lengthy process of house move is completed, and wants to enjoy them while he can?

SuncreamAndIceCream · 28/03/2024 13:18

It's not the spiders particularly but the lies about getting them/not getting them/cancelling the order etc

There's no way they will live in the shed without some sort of complex environmental setup, it's way too cold in winter. They'll be indoor pets

One you've moved in together it'll be too late to do anything about it.

Get rid of him.

Fraaahnces · 28/03/2024 13:19

I’d get a really big shoe collection….

Topseyt123 · 28/03/2024 13:19

This would end the relationship for me. Forthwith.

coxesorangepippin · 28/03/2024 13:20

This would be curtains for me

KreedKafer · 28/03/2024 13:20

The fact that he says he’ll keep them in the garden shed suggests to me that he doesn’t actually give a shit about the spiders and just did this to deliberately spite you / annoy you / bully you. Don’t move in with him.

I absolutely ADORE rats. I used to have them as pets and would dearly love to have some again, but my DP has a major rat phobia and of course I would never expect him to live with them.

PragmaticWench · 28/03/2024 13:21

I refused to move in with DH until he'd got rid of the reptile pet I was terrified of. He rehomed it swiftly, because he loved me. I wasn't going to budge if he hadn't. Don't give in!!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 28/03/2024 13:22

Nope! Your DP goes.

He has bought them knowing how you feel. There is so much wrong with what he’s done, I can’t really articulate it.

Just get him dumped and live happily spider-free.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 28/03/2024 13:22

First off, he won't be keeping them in a shed because they will get too cold unless it's a centrally heated one.

Second, he already bought two when he knew he was planning to move in with you, so there is a good chance he'll decide to buy a couple more in the future.
If you don't want to live in a house full of large spiders, I would suggest you don't move him in with you.

You already know he has no respect for you.

You told him you were terrified of spiders and he wants to move them into your house because he thinks what he wants is more important than you or your daughter in your own home.

Singleandproud · 28/03/2024 13:23

Isn't it wonderful that you waited a sensible two years before moving him into your and DDs home and that in that honeymoon period he has shown himself to be a lying, inconsiderate twit.

Genuinely fantastic that you can get rid of him with minimal fuss, without the rigmorale of unsettling DD and him having to find somewhere else to live.

He has done you a massive favour!

TheNoodlesIncident · 28/03/2024 13:24

The fact that he says he’ll keep them in the garden shed suggests to me that he doesn’t actually give a shit about the spiders and just did this to deliberately spite you / annoy you / bully you. Don’t move in with him.

Nah, he won't put them in the shed! Not he. That's just what he told OP. It is of course a lie, like the many others he has uttered about the spiders.

I don't have any issue with spiders but I have huge issues (ie, standards) about liars and dishonest people. And I wouldn't be letting this guy move in and would in fact be giving him his marching orders. He's treating OP and her DD like shite and more fool her if she's prepared to put up with it. It will only get worse, you can guarantee that!