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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner went behind my back and bought a pet spider!

183 replies

reginaphalange321 · 28/03/2024 13:08

Just that!

my DP and I have been together around 2 years and still live separately although he does stay at my house most of the week. DP went behind my back and bought 2 spiders to keep as pets and the problem is myself and my 16 year old DD are terrified of spiders. The spiders are very small at the moment but one of them will grow to around 20cm and the other one is a jumping spider. We are taking about moving in together which would mean he would sell his property and move into mine as it’s closer to DD school and is a bigger house and has an extra bedroom. I asked my DP before he bought the spiders not to and he promised me he wouldn’t and even told me he phoned up and cancelled the order when in-fact he hadn't. at this point we were talking about moving in together as was only in January so he said he would get rid of them when this time came around. The problem is now that we are planning on moving in together and he thinks I am being unreasonable asking him to get rid of them and says he will keep them in a garden shed. AIBU asking him to get rid of them?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2024 13:25

This is a bigger issue than the spiders.

He lies, he breaks his promises and he disregards and disrespects other peoples feelings. He's not a man of his word. And he has no respect for you.

This is not 'don't move in with him' territory, its break up with him territory.

He's not a good person. Let alone a good partner.

You'll spend your whole relationship with him begging for him to be respectful of you in various ways. It'll fall on deaf ears.

If he moves in, you'll be living with reptiles as well as spiders, because he's big old SNAKE.

Dump.

PuttingDownRoots · 28/03/2024 13:25

Doesn't matter what the pet is, everyone needs to be happy with it.

He doesn't sound very caring towards his pets... which makes his whole character suspect.

I think you have a lucky escape.

SunshineSky81 · 28/03/2024 13:25

So basically you have found out that your DP is willing to concoct massive lies to you, and then gaslight you to get what he wants regardless of how much it would upset you and your child, while also being happy to make you both uncomfortable in your own home as what he wants is more important.

Think you have just learnt a valuable lesson on where he thinks you and your child come in the pecking order and it is far below him and his wants.

Id rather live with the fucking spider than him tbh.

Mummame2222 · 28/03/2024 13:26

Am I missing something? Won’t they be in some sort of cage?

Megifer · 28/03/2024 13:27

I dunno, my DP had a ridiculous 'ruling' that I couldn't get a hamster. It wouldn't have impacted on his life at all, he'd never see it as it was in my office room, he'd never be around when I got hammy out. He just doesn't like them.

So I bought one anyway 😬 (and DP ended up insisting I kept him downstairs so he wasn't lonely 🙄)

For me its the fact he's lied but tbf I do dislike it when people say no to stuff without any real or practical reason behind it other than "because I said no".

Crumpleton · 28/03/2024 13:28

Spiders make me freeze..I have a real phobia...
I wouldn't even let him move in with me let alone the spiders.

I going to say this to save you reminding yourself in x amount of weeks/months or whatever, that hindsight is a wonderful thing....
Based on him knowing he was going to move in with you and that you and your DD don't like spiders, totally ignoring your request not to buy them and then lying about cancelling the order he has absolutely no intention of getting rid of them
Infact he'll probably tell you he has, move in with you then you'll find out he asked his mate 'Bob' to look after them for a few weeks until he was all moved in and settled, then who knows he may even expect you to look after them, cause you know it's you that's the stupid one and should just get used to them.

Take what he has done as him showing you how he actually goes about doing things...
Yes you may discuss what's what between you but it will fall on deaf ears, he's not going to take your feelings into account.

Hopefully you next thread isn't going to be my BF and his spiders refuse to move out.

SevenSeasOfRhye · 28/03/2024 13:29

Mummame2222 · 28/03/2024 13:26

Am I missing something? Won’t they be in some sort of cage?

You keep spiders in a vivarium (glass/plastic tank).

Mummame2222 · 28/03/2024 13:35

SevenSeasOfRhye · 28/03/2024 13:29

You keep spiders in a vivarium (glass/plastic tank).

Show quote history

So yes then. I don’t really see what the big deal is. Don’t look at them, don’t touch them, ask him to keep them away when you are at home.

There are anything from 50+ spiders in any room at any one time. This is silly.

Topseyt123 · 28/03/2024 13:37

Mummame2222 · 28/03/2024 13:26

Am I missing something? Won’t they be in some sort of cage?

I'd hope so, but apparently some people let them out to run around the house. I wouldn't trust this guy not to do this and enjoy the reaction it drew.

VioletCharlotte · 28/03/2024 13:39

@Mummame2222 but not massive, 20cm jumping ones! I couldn't be in a house knowing that they were there, even in a tank. Just the thought of it makes me shudder.

Pinkdelight3 · 28/03/2024 13:39

He's full of shit. Don't let him live with you until they're gone. What an idiot. Why buy them now when he could've had them for years when you weren't planning to live together. He's either thick or doesn't care about you at all.

Singleandproud · 28/03/2024 13:39

@Mummame2222 it's not silly though, the problem isn't the spiders the problem is ignoring OPs wishes and what she had said. It might be different if he already had them before they met, or even bought them before they decided to move in together. However he has purposefully lied and deceived OP in something she made very clear she did t want to happen...that does not bode well for the future.

Axx · 28/03/2024 13:40

Nope. Sack him off

NoBunnyHome · 28/03/2024 13:41
  1. I would not live with spiders
  2. I would not stay with someone who lied to me like that

Two seperate issues, but they amount to the same conclusion: a seperate future.

Mummame2222 · 28/03/2024 13:42

Singleandproud · 28/03/2024 13:39

@Mummame2222 it's not silly though, the problem isn't the spiders the problem is ignoring OPs wishes and what she had said. It might be different if he already had them before they met, or even bought them before they decided to move in together. However he has purposefully lied and deceived OP in something she made very clear she did t want to happen...that does not bode well for the future.

OP doesn’t get to pull rank in the relationship over a pet she doesn’t need to have any contact with.

Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2024 13:43

Tbf, I don't have issues with spiders but I wouldn't want a big, jumping one in my house...or even in my shed.

MissPeachyKeen · 28/03/2024 13:44

Fraaahnces · 28/03/2024 13:19

I’d get a really big shoe collection….

OK this did make me laugh!

It's not just about the lying, it's also the spiders.

Would be it for me, I'd divorce him - married or not

Elphame · 28/03/2024 13:47

That would absolutely be the end for me. I am very spider phobic and wouldn't set foot in his house with them there.

I also wouldn't trust him after that not to bring them over to mine as a "joke".

ErrolTheDragon · 28/03/2024 13:47

He's evidently keener on living with spiders than you and your DD, OP.

Tell him you hope they'll be very happy together and move on.

WhichEllie · 28/03/2024 13:51

So this man did not have any spiders. He knew that you, his partner, are terrified of them and your daughter is too. He knew he was going to be moving in with both of you. He then… deliberately went and purchased two spiders that he intends to force you both to live with?

Yeah, absolutely the fuck not. Either he is one of the stupidest people on the planet or he enjoys upsetting women and getting reactions out of them. Neither of those bode well for a relationship. He is not boyfriend/husband material. Put him in the bin and let him enjoy his spiders alone.

MoveItAnLoseIt · 28/03/2024 13:51

This reply has been deleted

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Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2024 13:53

Just to note, spiders are fed live bugs right?
So potentially you'd have crickets jumping all over your house too.

And out of interest, you say he's at yours most of the week, so is he fairly contributing to your bills?

wombleberry · 28/03/2024 13:54

20cm?! No no no no no no no no no no no no no. No way. Not if I were paid.

PossumintheHouse · 28/03/2024 13:55

Megifer · 28/03/2024 13:27

I dunno, my DP had a ridiculous 'ruling' that I couldn't get a hamster. It wouldn't have impacted on his life at all, he'd never see it as it was in my office room, he'd never be around when I got hammy out. He just doesn't like them.

So I bought one anyway 😬 (and DP ended up insisting I kept him downstairs so he wasn't lonely 🙄)

For me its the fact he's lied but tbf I do dislike it when people say no to stuff without any real or practical reason behind it other than "because I said no".

Edited

I adopted a blue and gold macaw in the early days of my relationship, without informing partner who didn't want a parrot. He was furious and didn't talk to me for three days.
Karma quickly came for me. He and the macaw are bloody soulmates and the thing tries to nip me. I still love him though.
Macaw is 15 now and still thriving. Good decision.

ScarlettSunset · 28/03/2024 13:55

I have no problem with spiders and could (and have) happily lived with them as pets.
I would however, have a problem with a partner who said they absolutely wouldn't do something and then went and did it anyway.