Partner went behind my back and bought a pet spider!

[reginaphalange321]

Just that!

my DP and I have been together around 2 years and still live separately although he does stay at my house most of the week. DP went behind my back and bought 2 spiders to keep as pets and the problem is myself and my 16 year old DD are terrified of spiders. The spiders are very small at the moment but one of them will grow to around 20cm and the other one is a jumping spider. We are taking about moving in together which would mean he would sell his property and move into mine as it’s closer to DD school and is a bigger house and has an extra bedroom. I asked my DP before he bought the spiders not to and he promised me he wouldn’t and even told me he phoned up and cancelled the order when in-fact he hadn't. at this point we were talking about moving in together as was only in January so he said he would get rid of them when this time came around. The problem is now that we are planning on moving in together and he thinks I am being unreasonable asking him to get rid of them and says he will keep them in a garden shed. AIBU asking him to get rid of them?

I think when he bought the spiders he was telling you he has no intention of living with you

I have awful arachnophobia and hell would freeze over before I'd be moving into a house with pet spiders. I truly couldn't cope with living in the same house as a tarantula (or any other spider for that matter!).

He knew you and DD are scared of them but bought them anyway.

To be honest though, more than anything, it would be the lying that would be a deal breaker for me. Why lie?

I would be staying in your own home with your daughter and letting him stay in his. I wouldn't be visiting him neither.

Don't get trapped. Once he's living with you he'd move them into the house I bet, given the behaviour lying about cancelling the order.
I'd treat that on par with someone getting a cat when their partner is allergic, being expected to live with something someone has a phobia of would be debilitating and potentially have a severe impact on mental health.

Yes. This exactly. Whether or not you fear spiders is beside the point really. Next time he lies to you you'll find he's put a down payment on a Maserati from the joint account.

She does if it’s her house. Don’t you have any empathy for phobias?

Thats nice, but I can't see anyone bonding with a spider like that 😵‍💫

He'd be an ex

Yeah they'd be getting stamped on or thrown outside. Nope. Nope. Nope

I dunno. Apparently spiders are quite friendly and form good bonds with their owners. But it absolutely isn't a pet for somebody with a literal phobia of spiders, obviously.

Do you think it's going to crawl through the screen?

Some people are just hysterical.

@MoveItAnLoseIt
It's not "hysterical" for the pp to ask for that photo to be removed. The OP clearly said she had a phobia. You were inconsiderate in posting it.

And didn't I read you said you once had arachnophobia too? But now you're cured it's ok to scare others?

You absolutely can!

One of my girls sat waiting for me to bring her out and we would watch TV together.

She never tried to run away just crawled round happily on my stomach.

She was very special.

I wasn't scared of a photo! Arachnophobia is being scared of spiders. Not images on a screen.

You don't need to move him in to your child's home, just date him (if you feel the need) separately to your kid.

Probably depends on how bad the phobia is.

Some people are scared of seeing blood for example. But some might only be scared of seeing their own in an injury. Where as others wouldn't even be able to watch an advert for periods where the 'blood' is blue and simply implied.

Phobias vary in intensity.

Yes the pp is correct. Your phobia can't have been very severe @MoveItAnLoseIt if you were happy to look at photos of spiders.

I might have misread but I didnt see the word phobia. I have a phobia of water but I can still go places were there are swimming pools, I don’t interact. Also it’s not OPs home yet.

Absolutely this. He's a liar isn't he - and disrespectful too - why would you allow someone like this in your house or your life? 🌹

That's how I got over it.

I looked at still pics of jumping spiders. Then I watched videos. Then I watched videos of tarantulas.

Then I got a jumping spider. Then I got a tarantula.

This is all after years of sleeping with a nightlight on in case there was a spider in the room!

Of course she does. Pets have to be agreed by everyone. People go away on holiday, get sick and go to hospital, visit elderly parents etc. and who do you think has to look after them when that happens? Plus, he lied and she is phobic about them. I wouldn’t let them past my door or him for that matter.

Lol

I disagree.

Nope - he would not be moving in

Just be thankful he showed you who is before he moved in. Will save a lot of hassle in the future. You can do better than this.

I think he is allowed pet spiders if he wants them in his own house, in a room you do not go in. But I would not be moving in with him now. I would remain loving seperetly.

But really also I'd be questioning the relationship as this shows a massive lack of care for you and your child.

It is her home. He is wanting to move into her house and bring the spiders with him

This.

He's shown you who he is, and that he gets a kick out of doing something he knows you're afraid of. He's supposed to love you. What's next on his list of things you hate?

Don't, for the love of all that doesn't have 8 legs, continue with this relationship.