Partner went behind my back and bought a pet spider!

[reginaphalange321]

Just that!

my DP and I have been together around 2 years and still live separately although he does stay at my house most of the week. DP went behind my back and bought 2 spiders to keep as pets and the problem is myself and my 16 year old DD are terrified of spiders. The spiders are very small at the moment but one of them will grow to around 20cm and the other one is a jumping spider. We are taking about moving in together which would mean he would sell his property and move into mine as it’s closer to DD school and is a bigger house and has an extra bedroom. I asked my DP before he bought the spiders not to and he promised me he wouldn’t and even told me he phoned up and cancelled the order when in-fact he hadn't. at this point we were talking about moving in together as was only in January so he said he would get rid of them when this time came around. The problem is now that we are planning on moving in together and he thinks I am being unreasonable asking him to get rid of them and says he will keep them in a garden shed. AIBU asking him to get rid of them?

I think the big red flag here is that he has gone back on what he promised and lied about it too!

This!

My pets are very important to me and i would absolutely not get rid of them for a man.

But he completely lied.

Instead of telling you no and admitting that he was still getting them, he lied and pretended he’d cancelled them knowing full well he hadn’t.

The spiders wouldn’t bother me.
The lying would.

It would be a no to moving in from me. Not because it's spiders but because he lied and ignored your request. What if he decides after you move on to get a dog or to quit his job and you have no right to an opinion.

Also not fair on your dd

I couldn’t. He would have to live alone and I’d never stay there.
How long do those things live? And why would anyone want one…. I’ll just take spidey for walk? I’ll stroke spidey/ groom spidey?

Get rid of HIM. DP knows I have a spider phobia (I hate it, have tried lots to try to "cure" it, but it hasn't worked), if he then bought a pet spider that would be the end of it. It's very disrespectful.

The other thing is, would he really keep them in the garden shed? Doesn't sound like a good home for them. People who keep spiders have proper habitats for them, they need a certain temperature, lighting etc as far as I'm aware. I think he'd be mistreating them by keeping them out in a shed! But he's probably lying about that, too!

If the spiders weren't bad enough, the lying certainly is!

1.He's a wierdo for having spiders as pets

1. Knowing that you and your dd are scared of them he still went and bought 2
2. He's a liar and what else is he lying about?

Id bin him

Just for clarification jumping spiders are teeny!

Bin him, OP.

Your number one concern is your DC's and your own wellbeing.

Not giving in to him.

You know exactly what will happen - 'yes I know I said they would go in the shed but it's so cold it would be cruel - you're being cruel and unreasonable I'm bringing them in bla bla bla bla bla.'

He knows - HE KNOWS - you both fear them. Yet here you are. A deliberate act to impose fear on you both because he wants that more than he wants you to feel happy and safe.

This is not about whether he thinks you need reeducation etc - it's about him moving himself and his shit in on you and your DC.

This is a power play, him exerting his will over you, your daughter and your home.

What will be next, OP?

He's a fucking child. Ditch him. What are you, his mother, having to dictate what pets he can have because he's not considerate enough to not buy them in the first place? He's like a toddler pushing boundaries.

They're very cute as well!

They are. I posted a pic of mine but it got deleted 😂😭

Thank you, I do feel better knowing that 😉

I'm laughing at the idea of 20cm jumping spiders.

Jumping spiders are the only spiders I can cope with. Their bobbly eyes make them so cute.

Anyway, this is a simple one. Don't let him move in. The fact that he thinks he can keep a tarantula in the shed shows that he doesn't give a damn about it being a living creature. That cruelty would be enough to bin him for me.

spiders wouldn't be the deal breaker, ignoring my expressed opinion would be....well done on dodging a bullet

Honestly, I'd tell you to get over it.
I used to be a complete arachnophobe. But when I had my DD I just decided that I can't transfer my fear onto her because it's completely irrational. Suddenly, I realised, I'm not afraid of them at all. We have few spiders living in the house we take good care of. We love the big spiders, they're good for getting rid of flies.

Just don't go to his/her house. Meet at yours. I don't really see the problem.

P.S. just don't move in together. Just date. It's probably easier to live separately as you have a child.

Either he doesn't really want to move in with you and is sabotaging it or it's a power play to show that he get's what he wants.

Either way, he is not a keeper.

How utterly selfish I don't think he wants to move in. That's how I would take this, ditch him

He is a liar that has no concern for you so why the hell are you planning to move in with him ?

He is giving you the GIFT of information. You now have all the knowledge you need to DECIDE whether you would like to invite this man and his pets to come and join you and your daughter as PERMANENT residents in your home. He's given you a lot of information about his PRIORITIES and his HONESTY.

He sounds dreadful, awful thing to do especially as he knows you hate them and even worse your daughter does. Do you really want someone like that to be a step father to your daughter, get rid and I don't mean the spiders, horrible man

I don't mind spiders at all. I'm the person that can pick them up carefully in my bare hands when they are scuttling round a bath and put them outside.

I would still refuse to let this bloke (and his spiders) move in - purely because you made it clear that this was a definite deal breaker, and you and your DD hate spiders. He's ignored your wishes and thinks he can move into your home and do as he likes. He's a liar and thinks you are unreasonable for setting boundaries. It's your house and your garage.

I'd be ending the relationship just because he's a dickhead, to be honest.