Parent going on holiday without child AGAIN

[Pinkpantsplesse]

Posted on behalf of my dear friend.

My granddaughter lives between her mothers house and her and fathers
House. The parents have both have remarried and all the families and all get along .

One of the parents has taken to going on holiday a lot . Sometimes alone , sometimes with their new partner but not with my granddaughter . Parent A had 4 holidays without her last year - three of these were two weeks. One a week. Parent A has openly said they are now exploring the world and enjoying life . Parent B has no issue with Parent A traveling .

We have just been told this year that parent A is off on 3 LONG trips and our grandchild won’t be going. I know it isn’t my place to judge as she will be with her other parent where she is loved and happy but I can’t help but find myself feeling slightly uncomfortable with parent A jet setting off . AIBU .

Granddaughter is 14 . Seems to be slightly pushing boundaries and attendance has fallen at school . She is a lovely child though . I fear she will feel rejected. However it’s not my place to judge . I watch silently from afar .

Never in a million years would I have ever wanted to leave my child to explore the world whilst they weren’t with me. But then that’s just me .

obviously the ideal is that parent A takes her daughter on holiday every now and then. However parent b is there to care for their own dc. This isnt abandonment we are talking about.
Im not sure I understand OPs comment re parent A going away during the child’s exams as they are only 14 and any end of year tests are not high profile exams, so irrelevant.

If OP, your GD has a supportive parent B and GPS then I do not see a problem with parent A going on holiday alone. I am assuming by the nature of the comments made Parent A is the mother and your DIL. If so would you be saying the same about your son leaving his daughter at home and going on holiday, I’m feeling a sexist tone to your original post which I’m hoping you are not passing on to your GC.

That said, I do find it sad that all families can’t spend their holiday time together.

Yes. The dd will be feeling it. Her parent A has found the time and money to go on a lot of adventures abroad with their new partner, but not her. She absolutely will remember this in time even if she appears not bothered by it now. Yanbu OP.

Has OP said the child isn’t bothered. She just says she is happy at parent B’s. Doesn’t mean she is happy with parent A going on holiday without her.

How many posters on here regularly go on holiday but never take their DC with them?

but the 14 year old has school surely

Of course not!!

Your situation sounds very different, unless OP has left out a lot of information. It's not the going away without the child that I would have issue with - it's the apparently not doing any trips with the child

Never in a million years would I have ever wanted to leave my child to explore the world whilst they weren’t with me. – I think this sounds extremely unhealthy actually

I'm from a country where travel is way more common/normalised than in the UK. Like people travel to a continent across the world at least once a year, and within the continent multiple times a year.

Due to our stronger passport and our small country size I think (and in turn travel is way more normalised in the UK than countries like the US, bc of former EU membership, the UK being smaller than the US, and holiday leave rights)

My parents regularly travelled without us to clear their annual leave & because school holidays would be jam-packed. Then we'd go somewhere nice with them on school holidays too. Also their holidays might be "nicer" more luxurious adult holidays that tended to bore us, and ours would be more fun kiddy stuff.

It's not a big deal if you don't make it a big deal... You need healthy life experiences, plus some leisure time on your own too... Your child will have plenty of yearly opportunities to travel with you, or even with their friends as a teen

Yeah I’d judge them for this, one week adult only holiday - fine, as long as there is also another family holiday, but several trips lasting several weeks, no way, that’s awful and I’m not surprised the child is acting out. They probably feel worthless.

Well if she's not attending school - what's going on ?

My friend has a selfish mum like Parent A and she doesn't like her. She didn't return to her mum's after university and preferred to live in a bedsit with strangers.

Parent B has no issue with Parent A traveling

There we go then. Your friend needs to wind their neck in. Perhaps parent B is taking their child on holiday another time.

No its "for a friend"

just to confirm as you’ve ignored the answer previously, this is your ex-daughter in law going away isn’t it?

Sure it is 😂

I agree with you OP. I have a teen and can't imagine doing all these fun holidays without her. I wouldn't enjoy it knowing she's at home missing out.

Most young adults do prefer independence.

When I was growing up my dad would take multiple long holidays a year. Usually 2-3 a year that were 4-6 weeks, then probably at least 3 a year that were about a week.
I was fine, and never expected to be taken on these holidays.
However, I never lived / stayed with my dad. I think if I did, or if the holidays had started when I was a teenager I think it would’ve been worse.
Ultimately though I don’t think you’re going to be able to do anything about the holidays. All you can do is be there for your granddaughter as much as possible.

Most young people nowadays return for a bit after university to save up. Rents are expensive now. She felt left out as a teen and in her early 20s because her mum would rather jet off around the world on expensive holidays than take her DD on the occasional holiday and send her money for food. I know she was an adult but I don't blame her for being upset. My parents rarely holiday abroad but even I could understand her feeling forgotten. At least her dad sent her money for food and books etc.

I think it’s unfair.
Im shocked that your GD hasn’t been taken on at least a few of these holidays.

It's really only the parents' business, whatever anyone else says, isn't it? I personally wouldn't choose to leave my child for that long, and that often, but perhaps if I were in a 50/50 shared custody arrangement I'd feel differently. It probably changes your perspective.

It actually sounds similar to my dsis/ niece's situation. Father goes on several holidays a year and last year was away for 6 weeks in Cambodia. Niece was absolutely fine about it, enjoyed some extra time with my sister while her dad was away. No ill feelings (other than dsis not being able to afford far flung holidays so often!) That said, I don't think my sister would want to go on a long holiday without my niece. I'd be interested to know whether the parent having all the hols in this scenario is the mother or father.

But as I said, not really anyone else's business if both parents are happy with the arrangements.

How about when it's a separate family?

I never travelled anywhere without dd (and she only had a handful of sleepovers with mu mum) when I was married. But after exH left and dd was with him eow and half the holidays I chose to do more with that time than sit waiting for her to come home because actually, initially it was too strange being in the house without her.

Do you judge me for that? If so, what do you think I should be doing when dd isn't here for me to look after?

The op has clearly stated this is a 50/50 split custody and that all of the people involved are fine with it.

She hasn't said Parent A is doing less than 50%. She hasn't said Parent A never takes dd anywhere.

It's not "recklessly leaving your child" when your custody agreement means they aren't even at your home TO leave, recklessly or otherwise.

A question for all those who have stated that Parent A is wrong (and the stronger words used).

What is Parent A supposed to do the 50% of the time the custody agreement states the dd is with Parent B?

This post is essentially about what is "acceptable" activity for parents when their child is with their other parent.

The OP hasn't stated that Parent A isn't doing their 50%.

The OP hasn't stated that Parent A never takes dd anywhere.

The OP clearly disagrees with what Parent A chooses to do in their non contact time. Would she also have a problem if Parent A was out dancing every night?

What exactly is the expectation of parents when a child is with the other parent?

We constantly see posts to newly separated women, wondering how to fill their time saying "Go out!" "Do things for you!" yet this entire post is, "You're a BAD NEGLECTFUL RECKLESS parent for doing things for you!"

So, what is the list of acceptable things a parent can do, when their child is having their contact time with their other parent? Because so far, the majority here are very adamant that they can't travel - so what should they be doing, in your opinions?

Completely unreasonable absoloutley non of ya business and she’s 14! Pffffft stay in your own lane! Both parents are happy with the set up?! What the hells your problem?

When are these holidays? A 14 yo can't just up and leave school for a holiday, especially if attendance is already an issue.
Both parents are entitled to take holidays without her, if they are able.

That's the thing though, the OP has left out an awful lot, probably because it suits her narrative better - yet everyone has piled on "Parent A" who would possibly have an answer like mine.

In a 50/50 split (which I don't have - we're every Weds night, eow and half holidays) there are 26 weeks that the dd is with Parent B. OP is furious that Parent A spent 7 of them travelling.

Surely if it was actually causing an issue Parent B wouldn't be happy with it? But then the OP has "helpfully" left out what Parent B does in the 26 weeks Parent A has dd... Maybe they only travelled 4 weeks, or 2, or 5? We don't actually know.