Parent going on holiday without child AGAIN

[Pinkpantsplesse]

Posted on behalf of my dear friend.

My granddaughter lives between her mothers house and her and fathers
House. The parents have both have remarried and all the families and all get along .

One of the parents has taken to going on holiday a lot . Sometimes alone , sometimes with their new partner but not with my granddaughter . Parent A had 4 holidays without her last year - three of these were two weeks. One a week. Parent A has openly said they are now exploring the world and enjoying life . Parent B has no issue with Parent A traveling .

We have just been told this year that parent A is off on 3 LONG trips and our grandchild won’t be going. I know it isn’t my place to judge as she will be with her other parent where she is loved and happy but I can’t help but find myself feeling slightly uncomfortable with parent A jet setting off . AIBU .

Granddaughter is 14 . Seems to be slightly pushing boundaries and attendance has fallen at school . She is a lovely child though . I fear she will feel rejected. However it’s not my place to judge . I watch silently from afar .

Never in a million years would I have ever wanted to leave my child to explore the world whilst they weren’t with me. But then that’s just me .

Going on holiday? Even if it’s during times the child is with the other parent?

I don't think it matters if it's the mother or the father, it's shitty behaviour, no misogyny involved at all. My ex husband has been going on numerous overseas holidays, not business trips, holidays like Parent A, to destinations very sutiable and desirable for DC, who get shown the brochure before he goes, and treated to a slide show when he gets back, along with a full run down of all the nice things they enjoyed doing. Without them. He has been doing this since we seperated and he remarried.

I am also repartnered, we do not go on holidays without the children, we take them with us because we are a family and I love seeing them in their element having a wonderful time. Had they not had the experience they'd had from their father I'd be happy to go on the odd short weekend without them but I prefer to consider their feelings given the circumstances.

He thinks the children are fine with it, because he is selfish and that's the belief that supports his actions. I would presume he thinks I am fine with it, or at the very least doesn't care. I am not, because I see how the children feel about it and I'm left to explain to children in tears why he doesn't want them with him. I do not really have an answer for them. They are very much not fine with it, but when he realises that it will be too late.

I am left to pick up the slack, every time he absents himself I have to arrange cover because I am not able to be in work, and as I run my own business this costs me money. Luckily, financially I'm fine however he doesn't know I'm not struggling. He once offered some money towards staffing, but it never materialised and he doesn't offer any adjustment from the most basic of CM he pays because he's set himself up financially to avoid paying any more.

From the outside it might look like we are all "fine" with it, but the only person that is fine with his plentiful holidays, is him. I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you've got your granddaughter at heart, which any reasonable person would have.

YABU. Don't turn into a judgemental and meddling Gran.

This seems excessive - nothing wrong with holidays without your child but this is more than 2 months out of a year

I regularly go on weekends away or holidays without my DS.

He is ASD and its one of the perks of shared parenting. I absolutely need a break to myself when I work full time and also a parent.

I have booked a family holiday this year with DS for a week but the other 3 booked this year, DS wont be going. He will be with his dad.

I dont see anything wrong with this at all. Its also insanely expensive for family holidays as you pay extra for child, plus another room depending on accommodation and expense costs.

I think it’s right people do judge actually. It’s neglectful.

Exactly this.

That's a pretty bad thing to say to your child. Could make them feel like an unwanted burden.

But it’s not just the occasional holiday.

Its a parent choosing to be absent from the child’s life.

Thats shitty parenting and those who say it’s fine are being very defensive ( because that’s what they’d like to be able to do ) and just not getting the point.

Nothing to do with misogyny. It’s just crap parenting isn’t it ? ( I’ll have a child then bugger off and leave them).
I don’t think we have confirmation that parent A is female anyway. Just people jumping to conclusions.

What about the welfare of the child ? ( Child won’t be happy despite us being told they’re ok)

Like many things in life, there will be consequences for parent A as the dc may not want to give them the time of day when they’re older.
Despite it all seeming like happy families now.

Obviously she cares about her granddaughter’s well being. Your’s is quite a contrast with the ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ viewpoint, I’m not criticising just pointing out differing attitudes.

Thats shitty parenting and those who say it’s fine are being very defensive ( because that’s what they’d like to be able to do ) and just not getting the point.

Very few people have said it's fine.

Most have said it's none of the gran's business. Which it really isn't, since there's another parent to cover the absences so there's no child welfare concern.

It doesn't matter if you would do the same as the parent, or I would, or the gran would. Unless it's something actively dangerous to the child, it's not something for a third party to concern themselves with.

A gran will risk good family relations if she stews in it and let's her disapproval show.

This.

I pretty much sat in the back of the car most of the time with my headphones on since all my parents did was get into squabbles and bicker like children. My sister moaned about not wanting to go to xyz and how bored she was. My parents still bicker when I take them on holiday but often end up separating from dad because if anything involved more than a bit of an incline and more than 10,000 steps, he chooses to stay back.

I was in Girl Scouts from 10-16 and a part of other clubs where I often went on different trips without my parents several times a year so nothing weird about parents doing the same.

I would love to do four solo trips a year. I do two solo 4 day trips a year. It is the only time I have to myself where I am not on constant alert and can think of myself. We don’t have family nearby so DH and I take it in turns and go when the kids are in school.

Is parent A my ex too? He lives in a lovely bubble where he does what he wants when he wants.

He's retired early (50) and has been away for a month so far this year.

I wouldn't mind but he gets his pants in a twist when I have to go away for a few days for work.

He doesn't give a moments thought about how it affects DD. It's cool, she's very happy with me. He goes away with her a lot too, as do I.

But he cannot see and will never see that when she looks back on her teenage years she'll probably say Daddy wasn't around much. His lose.

You can't judge btw. It is what it is.

As a child of a single parent family, I fear for your granddaughter. She is experiencing abandonment from parent A, she will continue to push more boundaries to get attention and will likely not perform as well as she could at school. It is likely she will need therapy when older too. I honestly despair of some people, if you don’t want to look after your children, then don’t have any. I am so sorry for your granddaughter.

This seems a little odd to me tbh.

However, if the holidays are in term-time when DGC is in school/with Parent B, then Parent A may simply be making the most of cheaper, child-free [ie no-one else’s kids] travel whilst DGC is loved, nurtured and focussed on their GCSE’s. I assume DGC goes on a holiday with one or both parents at other times of the year, so not actually missing out?

My kids are 19 and 16, youngest is going to a state boarding school/6th form in September. First thing my DH said (once he had ooh’d and aah’d in the right places as I wailed that I wasn’t ready for my baby to leave home) was - ‘ooh, we have have cheap holidays together without the kids again, and it’ll be easier to hire a dog sitter’!!

It can create resentment and feelings of rejection in a child being left behind extensively even if they are not vocalising their feelings atm. It’s selfish and unkind to continually leave her at home, I am sure she would love to explore so many new places.

As a parent I am doing my best to offer ny dc the best childhood possible with adventures and memorable trip. I would never do this tbh. In just a few years she will be gone - and they will have all the time in the world to travel.

I feel like if you have to repeat the fact that you don't want to judge, then you're probably judging.

My mum took me on one holiday when I was child. All the rest she did on her own. Amongst other issues it's part of the reason I barely have contact with her. Just shows a complete lack of care or wanting to be around your child

It depends whether the child has the opportunity to go on holiday where they want to or if they are left behind in all senses whilst their parent dumps them and goes off to enjoy themselves.

Is there sufficient family financial resources for both or is the parent selfishly putting themselves first 'because they're worth it' whilst their child comes second, third or last in priorities?

I don't have much time for divorced parents who are eager to get rid of the memory of their failed marriage - their children as frequently as possible and carry on with their fabulous new life.

Bitter? Moi?

At 14 I didn’t want to go on holiday with my parents. Like you said in your initial post it is time to keep your nose out. Nothing good will come from you interfering.

You are trying to come across as meaning well but meaning well for ego, yourself? " it's not for me to judge" but that is exactly what you are doing and quite frankly it is none of your business. All parties seem happy enough with the arrangements. Think you need to get a life.

oh you are judging alright 🤣

What does the child think of it? That would affect my answer but it doesn’t sound ideal for her. Why can’t they wait till holidays and take her? Does she get holiday(s) with the parent who is going away a lot? And with the other parent?

i would LOVE the chance to travel with DS who is 11.

Well it might have depended where they were going as to whether or not I wanted to go away with parents at 14!

Parent & new spouse-who knows?

Has something changed so that the parent can now do these holidays?

If the parent goes alone does the child go to her other parent?

Is there something that you don't know about which is why the other parent (your offspring?) is ok with it?

If you think that it is affecting your GD have you spoken to them?

An ex DP had parents who jetted around the world when he was growing up but left him home with an older adult sister. He grew up resenting this very much. His parents, IMO were very self-centered people in general and while we broke up and never had kids together, I'd worried over what kind of grandparents they'd make because they pretty much expected the world to evolve around them.