AIBU to let my Autistic dd spend the majority of the Easter break at home not socialising?

[Sfuandtired]

My 12 year old DD is autistic and currently on her 2 weeks Easter holiday, I’d mentally planned a few days out over the break, dd has agreed to two but other than that has asked to spend the majority of this time at home relaxing and “ avoiding people “
She’s happy in herself, communicative with the family but doesn’t really want to do much other than play on her iPad on roblox or watch Tiktoks
she also FaceTimes a close friend daily. AIBU to go with what she’s asking? It seems almost irresponsible crap parenting to let her sit around not doing much, but not sure if I’m getting swept along with the social media ideal of having to go on lots of days out etc? But then maybe what she’s asking is what she needs to do? In order to recharge/relax? Thanks

Are you actually suggesting that you cannot ask an autistic child to do literally anything, including eating any food if they've not eaten all day, because they might view this as a demand?

For my ASD partner, when they are tired and over stimulated, something like saying “I watched x film lately, I’d highly recommend it” is a demand that can cause an involuntary shut down or melt down.

Your partner sounds abusive, frankly. Are you afraid of them?

It is. But she’s more likely to take some exercise if allowed to decompress when she needs to. She’s also less likely to attempt to regulate by unhealthy means - overeating, drinking when she’s older, etc.

I don’t think any of us are saying that a fortnight staring at her phone is ideal, just that tuning out the world in that way can be the healthiest choice at times. And autistic people will be ready to do other things once the overload has passed.

This thread is becoming a bit of a screen debate and that’s not really the original question. The question was whether it was ok for an autistic 12 year old to decompress in the holidays and not do the days out and fun things that social media leads us to think is expected.

Why don’t you have a look at the PDA Society ‘Pandas’ approach, it explains this really well.

Absolutely let her decompress OP - nothing wrong with that. However, too much screen time/social media (esp TikTok, FFS!) is a terrible idea for anyone that age - and I say that as an autistic mum of ND kids who totally gets the need to let them do their own thing.

Oh crikey. What I’m afraid of is the level of ignorance.

I’ll bite.

Demand avoidance is something that fluctuates. It’s neurological, not behavioural.

When in sensory overload, the brain has shut down the higher order cognitions and is operating from the instinctive parts. So reasoning is pointless, language processing has switched off.

in the scenario you mention, insisting that someone eats isn’t going to make them eat. If you actually want them to eat, you’re going to have to take a different approach.

Someone I know has a son who is like this. He's 35 and still essentially relies on his parents to support him because he's never been pushed to do things like get a job or learn any social skills or do anything he doesn't fancy. He spends his life in his room gaming. It's not clear what will happen when his parents start to get elderly and frail and can't look after him any more. No girlfriend ever, so it's not like he's going to be able to have a wife who fills in for the mother role at some point. A bit of tough love, pushing him to develop some basic skills and get employment, might have been kinder in the long term.

Forgive my ignorance@WeirdIsPartOfTheJob , but how do you manage life with your partner if they shut down or have a meltdown when you offer them food/mention something you enjoyed? It must be incredibly stressful for you and could be described as controlling, I.e., you have to constantly subvert your actions/feelings to theirs.

I wouldn’t make her socialise or go to any activities with lots of people, she has that in spades at school. Totally understandable to want a break from people.

I would insist that she takes 30 mins of exercise a day though - in the garden jumping on a trampoline, skipping rope, or some other exercise that can be done there, a short walk with parent or siblings etc. A mini fold up exercise trampoline can be bought relatively cheaply from Amazon and can be used indoors or taken out into the garden to get some fresh air and vit d too.

This is my compromise with DS as essential for MH in my book.

This poster said that her partner will shut down or melt down involuntarily at a demand like this when he is already overstimulated, not all of the time or whenever she speaks.

It isn’t controlling, the aim isn’t to change her behaviour, and her behaviour isn’t the problem. It’s a neurological response.

And I expect the poster’s autistic partner does an awful lot of subverting his needs to those of the people around him. Autistic people are required to do this constantly just to get by. Which is why he’s overstimulated in the first place.

I really wish sensory overload was more widely understood. People don’t seem to get it if they don’t experience it themselves, and yet it’s autistic people who are told we lack theory of mind.

@user1477391263 Oh fuck off with this shite. Seriously.

It is not inherently better to be out doing things or to spend time in groups. That is a very biased, viewpoint that only benefits some neurotypes.

both DD and I enjoy some outings, but we also need significant time at home to rest and recharge.

Please listen to her. She's doing a fantastic job of understanding her own needs. This down time is seriously needed to avoid autistic burnout.

She is 12 so can tell you what she needs and I would listen to her. School is difficult for ASD kids and she may need to decompress. You can offer alternatives but if she is happy I would give her some space without pressure.

@Sfuandtired play on her iPad on roblox or watch Tiktoks
she also FaceTimes a close friend daily....not sure if I’m getting swept along with the social media ideal of having.ts of days out etc?

Roblox OK, but what effect is unfettered access to TikTok having? 12 year olds can easily get swept along with damaging social media ideals even more easily than we do

Interesting read, I've a child who similar doesn't want to do anything for school holidays just stay at home.
I've been working he goes between games, TV talking and singing away.
Other siblings going to camps and out with friends.
It is actually going really well here very rested going to bed early, eating well super good form.
Has been coming to shops with me, lunch out one day that type thing.

"It seems almost irresponsible crap parenting to let her sit around not doing much,"

I'm sorry, what? There's nothing wrong with sitting around relaxing at home if that's what someone wants to do, autistic or not (albeit she likely nerds the decompression time more than NTs). When did it become compulsory to be constantly doing activities?!?

I suspect many of us will have received advice from professionals not to insist on this sort of stuff with our NT tweens and teens because of the need to keep demands low at home, precisely in order to preserve their mental health.

Sorry that should have read ND not NT.

The thing about invisible disabilities is that some NT people make the assumption that other people's cognitive, social and emotional functioning and capacity is just the same as their own, when in fact there are significant differences. Some want to blame and sanction people or their families when they deviate from their view of what 'normal' is, as though autism was a moral defect caused by feckless parents, which can be corrected by a 'firm hand'.

There is a long and profoundly disturbing history of applying adverse stimulus in an attempt to change autistic behaviour so that it is more 'normal'. One end of this spectrum involved applying electric shocks, and slapping and pulling the hair of children whenever they displayed any stereotypical autistic behaviour, in an attempt to 'correct' them. Even this level of 'tough love' didn't stop people being autistic, but caused an immense amount of pain and trauma.

Just 10% of autistic people are able to work full time. This is not because 90% of autistic people have bad parents...

Sorry, but I'm on the side of the YABU crowd on this one. I am autistic myself, so is my eldest teen (16) and it looks like my youngest has ADHD/ ASD, too.

I fully understand the need to decompress. I fully understand social exhaustion. Time alone in their room for most of the holiday really isn't the issue. My eldest teen spends most of their day there.

I do not agree with using only screens as a solution to the need for decompression and escapism, though, especially while their brains go through such a crucial developmental stage. It's an easy one, granted, but it will cause far more damage in the long run than it will help in the here and now. TikTok in particular is damaging; not just the content, but also in the way it is designed to be addictive.

You are the parent and your children need to learn healthy ways to self-regulate. Gaming can be one way, but it certainly shouldn't be the only way or you'll still have an adult unable to look after themselves. I'm seeing this more and more as part of my job, and also in my wider gaming circle.

Thus, exposure to other ways to self-regulate are essential. I have a total of two big-ish things planned this holiday: one is a skating event and one is a local museum. One of my children (the ADHD/ ASD one) attends a few morning sessions of a sport they have learned to enjoy at school, while my eldest spends time in their room painting.

They have some gaming time, some retro-gaming battles with me (the old style that requires patience and doesn't come with instant gratification), we play a few board games, the one who has a keen interest in Science does a few home experiments with me, we do some gardening and once in a while they help me make food. They read and the youngest gets time to endlessly sort and obsess over their battle cards they collect. The eldest and I watch a show in the evenings.

So plenty of screen time, but also enforced time away. Still lots of alone time and decompression time, but also family-based activities and very limited exposure to new things. A little bit of stepping out of their (our) comfort zones, so that they can experience achievements outside of gaming.

My DD is the same. I had my parents say "what are you doing in the holidays". They are retired so I appreciate they don't understand how drained she is from school/extra-curricular activities. I said she just wants to relax and recharge. I think it's ok for her to need this. We have a couple of small things planned.

I will encourage her to come with me on dog walks for fresh air which I'm sure she will be thrilled about 😅

Then you are yet another poster that has missed the point of the AIBU. It isn't about TikTok, Roblox or screen time.

OP's daughter has agreed to two days out, but requested to spend the rest of time at home relaxing and avoiding people. The OP asks if she would be unreasonable to allow this.

So are you suggesting that the OP should be forcing her daughter to schedule more days out, socialising with others?

Sounds like a lovely "proper" holiday tbh. I'd love to sit around avoiding people.

No, I have merely responded to the post as a whole. The OP didn't just ask whether staying at home was an issue. They presented a situation in which a child doesn't want to socialise (fine) but also stated that the child, instead, recharges by being on TikTok and other screen-based activities every day.

And if you've read my post, you'll see that my kids are not exposed to more than two days out anyway. That's a reasonable amount. The screen time is not. If we're talking about the need for a child to recharge and see to their needs then we, as adults, need to take some responsibility for allowing them to do this within reasonable limits.