AIBU to let my Autistic dd spend the majority of the Easter break at home not socialising?

[Sfuandtired]

My 12 year old DD is autistic and currently on her 2 weeks Easter holiday, I’d mentally planned a few days out over the break, dd has agreed to two but other than that has asked to spend the majority of this time at home relaxing and “ avoiding people “
She’s happy in herself, communicative with the family but doesn’t really want to do much other than play on her iPad on roblox or watch Tiktoks
she also FaceTimes a close friend daily. AIBU to go with what she’s asking? It seems almost irresponsible crap parenting to let her sit around not doing much, but not sure if I’m getting swept along with the social media ideal of having to go on lots of days out etc? But then maybe what she’s asking is what she needs to do? In order to recharge/relax? Thanks

Tell me you have no idea what "autistic" means, without tell me you have no idea what "autistic" means...

it is absolutely the wrong thing to do to force autistic kids into going out everyday or doing what YOU think they should be doing. Leave them alone for gods sake. I am so thankful my parents never forced me to leave the house everyday in the holidays or created chores or projects for me to do.
People just don’t get how exhausting it is to mask for hours everyday. Girls in particular spend a huge amount of mental effort on masking. They need time alone, doing their own things to recover and then recharge. They don’t need constant badgering to go outside or do this or clean this or go here. Just leave them be!

Not suggesting all these things need to be done every day, but a limit on screen time with these suggestions of alternatives (alongside stuff like reading that she probably already does).

None of these are particularly over stimulating activities.

They’re not overstimulating activities… unless you’re autistic and already at your threshold.

At that point, the slightest input can be too much

If a child can sit all day on an ipad, then something like 'no more ipad today, you've been on 3 hours already, here's a choice of other activities you could do if you wanted, or you can just play with your toys, read your books etc'. Would be no more stimulating than playing an ipad game.

Also, if they’re imposed on her by someone else, they are a demand. She may do some of them and get something out of it, but she sure as hell won’t if it’s imposed on her. It then becomes massively overstimulating.

It’s strange to me that some people just can’t grasp sensory overload and what that means.

Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

DS is NT and he isn’t going to be doing any socialising this holiday. Bit of time with me, few days out to things he likes (dinosaurs), few trips to the park, lots of time playing by himself at home. He likes a bit of unscheduled time in the holidays with no hobbies or other demands.

Different over the summer holidays as it’s so long, but for two weeks over Easter I wouldn’t be fussed.

Do you have experience of neurodiversity? Gaming is established to be an activity that helps with regulation for lots of ND people. Having NT people demand you take part in other activities when you need downtime and to maintain focus on a preferred interest is super stressful.

Honestly, most 12 years old would prefer to stay at home doing their own thing rather than being dragged from one thing to another by their parents.

Our daughter (14) stays in her dark room whenever she isn't in school. It took ages to get used to but just believing her need really helped her.

When she was younger (before diagnosis) we were very smug about limited screen time etc. when we went to her paediatrician she said, kindly, that the screen was probably helping her regulate as it was removing everything immediate and giving her brain a break from all the coping she had to do. It was much better.

Now, she will not go on holiday because she doesn't like unfamiliar smells or food that is different. She is hugely has huge sensory sensitivity and the world is just overwhelming for her. She sometimes bakes, or wants to go on a long drive to take photographs and she enjoys sketching, but all of these are done on her schedule and we all just fit in.

She is working as hard as she can at school and is now getting As.

You sound like a normal parent wanting the best for your child, let go of your anxiety and you will both feel much better. Good luck.

No frigging way. I have autistic kids one of whom would love to do that all the time.
I was allowed to behave like that at that age too.
It was not healthy and does not lead to positive outcomes. It made getting back into normal outside life a million times harder and more stressful. Don't get me wrong a lazy PN weekend or so is grand but the whole two weeks? Just no

I work with autistic kids in an outdoor setting and we manage to help the regulate just fine. A bit of screen time/ gaming time is fine but and we all do we what need to do to get thought the day as parents but tbh there's plenty of other ways to promote regulation that aren't gaming and doom scrolling. Look into sensory circuits, hammocks/ swings, certain kinds of massages.

Circadian rhythms, exercise and time in nature are all also very good for regulating and general wellbeing. Also time with animals. You don't have to do a big thing or lots of things, also leave recovery periods in between stuff, but if it were my child I would not (and do not) let them hermit out for the entire holiday.

Its literally parenting to 'impose demands' on your children!! Particularly when they're for their own good such as getting outside, exercising, having to have a drink etc.

Why are there suddenly so many people who seem to feel that imposing limits on children with diagnoses is this terrible thing?!

Autistic children, like all children, need boundaries, including around screen time - giving choices on other things to do, without demanding, is a good way to achieve this. It's a parents job to provide these boundaries - they may be slightly different from other children (eg you might allow more ipad time than for other children, or you might allow more time in bed etc), but they do need to be provided. 12 Year olds are not in a position where they should be making all of their own decisions.

OP's DD seems to recognise that she needs a balance herself - having agreed to a couple of days out. I'd suggest some screen time limits would be useful and have suggested other activities.

Ugh, nature walks. Insects, dogs, people, noises, smells, temperature, lighting.

Ugh, baking. Recipe instructions, horrible textures of ingredients, smells, etc.

Ugh, ‘sorting out the garden’ - this is demand to do a chore you think needs doing. See also nature walk…..insects, smells, textures bleurgh.

Ugh, outside everyday. Just. No.

These things are fine if the autistic person is in a place to do them and is interested in them. But if they are needing to recharge these things are unhelpful. Recharging for autistic people means dimmed lighting, quiet, soothing regulatory activities, sensory seeking preferences, low demands.

If you’re neurotypical and/or don’t have an autistic kid you aren’t going to get it.

Have you got an autistic child?

I’m a newly diagnosed autistic teacher and I do not know how I’d get through the next half day without a promise (to myself) of some decompression time over this weekend. Generally at the end of a half term I have what my husband calls “end of term fever” where I move from bed to sofa and back for a few days. I don’t engage, I do nice things for me (I will spend several hours on games - for those who dismiss them as unhelpful, they are nice routined environments where if you do ABC then XYZ will happen - very very soothing), I will lie down a lot and if you had no experience of neurodiversity you’d say I was being lazy. But I’ve masked my natural state for 6 weeks, 9 hours a day, not counting my social masking. And I am so exhausted by it. Making sure I make appropriate eye contact, say appropriate things, be bright and cheery. I love my job and I’m very good at it. But autistic children - especially females - have the same masking and please just let them be.

I have many family activities planned from Sunday onwards and I’ll be fine but the decompression is so necessary to allow me to function.

My DS has autism- he's in his early 20's and still lives at home. As he has got older we have all learned more coping strategies. If she needs downtime and has said as much then she needs it- no ifs or buts.
My son holds down a full time job and has progressed so well in the last 5 years thanks to 2 years at a specialised college after A levels. He did an internship at his current employer and they offered him a full time paid job after his first three days. There is hope for kids with autism but you need to listen to them and not try and jolly them along with activities that are not for them!
He loves travel, history and good food so we spend time on city breaks abroad off season (not crowded) these days. He is also quite sociable and has friends from school who still look out for him when they go out for a drink in town.
I think my point is listen to your kid if they are willing to open up to you and follow their lead!

@Llamadramallama

Same. When I was working full time frontline shifts I did 5 on, 4 off. The first 2 days off were basically spent in bed and on the sofa, curtains closed, to recover from masking 10 plus hours a day in a sometimes extremely stressful job.

Sounds great. I'm not autistic, but I used to spend the vast majority of my school holidays on my own in my bedroom reading books and listening to records (it was the 70s/early 80s). In my view, that's what the holidays are for - we are forced to be with other kids at school, so it's natural to crave time alone. I'm still the same now, and it's such a treat to have a few days solo where I don't speak to a single other person.

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it sounds from your post as though you have no direct experience here.

Baking, board and card games, nature walks, sorting out the garden, painting, knitting, sewing, drawing etc are all great substitutes for ipad time, but don't involve loads of people.

Why are these seen as more worthy than screen time? Particularly board / card games - a game is a game, however it’s played!

You are wrong.

Why are you allowing a 12yr old on TikTok??????

Forcing ND people to engage in activity in their downtime is the problem. ND people have their own needs, to regulate, and to follow special interests. Why do NT people feel they must interfere with this?

You have no idea. I sincerely hope you don’t have an autistic child. Your beliefs are just cruel.