AIBU to let my Autistic dd spend the majority of the Easter break at home not socialising?

[Sfuandtired]

My 12 year old DD is autistic and currently on her 2 weeks Easter holiday, I’d mentally planned a few days out over the break, dd has agreed to two but other than that has asked to spend the majority of this time at home relaxing and “ avoiding people “
She’s happy in herself, communicative with the family but doesn’t really want to do much other than play on her iPad on roblox or watch Tiktoks
she also FaceTimes a close friend daily. AIBU to go with what she’s asking? It seems almost irresponsible crap parenting to let her sit around not doing much, but not sure if I’m getting swept along with the social media ideal of having to go on lots of days out etc? But then maybe what she’s asking is what she needs to do? In order to recharge/relax? Thanks

I respectfully disagree with this. It may be the case for you but not all autistic people. My Autistic DC thrive on socialisation

My DD is NT but she also likes to spend the shorter holidays decompressing. She works really hard at school, it doesn't come naturally to her so she needs to rest her brain as she says. I've encouraged her to meet friends at least once at the local park/woodland, they can spend all day there no matter the weather. If left up to her though she wouldn't be bothered. She does like doing stuff around the house, she's sorted her bedroom out and will cook tea a few nights, i bought loads of baking stuff last week in preparation! Again though, she is NT so easier to encourage. I wouldn't worry OP. School itself is full on these days, they need the rest.

It can be exhausting to be in school 5 days a week when you have autism, she may spend a lot of her time trying to mask, and I see nothing wrong with allowing her to chill out and spend some time on her own, being who she wants to be. She has agreed to do a couple of things with you, which is great.

She really doesn't "have to be doing something" and everyone's idea of a meaningful activity is different.

Do you have much experience of autism? My DD has PDA and somehow managed to get through school and 2 degrees but only by having no demands at all placed on her outside of education. She's a talented software engineer now, living independently. I dread to think where she would be if we had "forced her" into socialising or completing activities that were meaningless for her.

Yeah let her do what she needs to do like you said Op. fact is the holidays are for recharging and her way of recharging is without external people, noises, places. She sounds like a smart cookie

I am autistic as are my three children.
Please leave her spend the easter hols
as she wishes. In her room, away from people.
She needs this to recharge, she doesn't just want it, she needs it.
People are only beginning to realise that socialising around people is not always a must.
iPads are completely fine too, let her be herself, it will not damage her like skills by letting her be.

You need to google PDA profile as you clearly do not understand the way “demand” is being used in this context.

For my ASD partner, when they are tired and over stimulated, something like saying “I watched x film lately, I’d highly recommend it” is a demand that can cause an involuntary shut down or melt down.

So can eating food, even if hungry (and prepared by some else and literally handed to them).

You are applying neurotypical standards to a totally different situation. It’s like saying “well it’s only 100 yards from the car park to the entrance, everyone can walk” without realising some people cannot walk 100 yards.

Why do so many people think that being Autistic means that no other aspects of health & wellbeing matter at all?

I manage to find a balance with my Autistic DC. Very rarely is there overstimulation as a result. There is plenty of laughter, fresh air & exercise however. Much better than throwing the Nintendo switch/iPad across the room because a game was lost.

I agree that autistic vary in how much they need social interaction. I think most autistic people find it draining, even if they need it. Interesting if your dc don’t have a low social battery, I mean genuinely interesting and I love hearing about different autistic people’s experiences.

Boundaries - my parents are wonderful, loving parents and they are only now (I’m late 30s) realising that their boundaries for their 4 children were inappropriate for me. I was a very well behaved child who got the top grades in the school in my GCSEs. But telling me I “had to” do things that if you had no experience of neurodiversity would be very normal - speak to every extended family member at an event, want to go out and see family or friends on a weeknight or in the holidays, not read all day and ask to have my book at the dining table - were not right in parenting a ND child. But it was self regulating and I internalised all of the “you must not do X” as “why are you so lazy and antisocial.” Your child coming to you and saying I need this, is a huge step for them

I’d 100% let her. My DD wants to do nothing but revise over Easter, who am I to step in her way!

She needs to relax. Whats wrong with resting and watching tv at home. Its a holiday..a recharge

Sounds ideal to me.

I have one autistic child with high support needs and a very sociable NT child. Both used to be cranky if I tried to outings activities every day in the hols. I soon learned dialling it down is best.

@456pickupsticks 👏🏻 Completely agree. I do allow my DC down time. Like I said, I find a balance that suits well. I do agree though, boundaries are definitely still needed. Additional boundaries in some aspects. It just may need to be implemented in a different, more ND-considerate way.

Everyone needs different things.
Personally, I need to be outside part of each day.
DD16 could spend all day in bed 6 days out of 7, but needs lots of social contact by FaceTime or text to be happy: for her, leaving the house is a bonus.
DS18 needs neither fresh air nor company (though he’ll talk my ear off). Exercise is important to him though, at the gym or at home with weights.
DS10 is a homebody and needs 4 days in pyjamas at the start of each school holiday to decompress. Gaming and TV play a big part, and it’s only after this he reengages and starts wanting to play out/ walk the dog/ go places.
DS12 likes to have plans. That can mean baking, football, ice skating, climbing, cinema… but he needs to know he’s something to do!
It can be tricky to balance everyone’s needs, but it’s so important that everyone gets what they want from their downtime. Good for your DD knowing what she needs and having confidence to ask for it!
fwiw, my 12yo is very tired atm and likely to rest much more than usual this Easter. He’s been taking himself to bed increasingly early and clearly needs a rest.

I'd say definitely go with what she's wanting to do in order to relax and recharge. Maybe get some walks in too.

So even if not ND, 12 is an important age when DCs let you know how they want to spend their time. It’s beyond the needing to go to a holiday club so you can work age. It’s the time when my NT DC told me no more tennis, cricket coaching. It’s the holidays, if your DC wants to chill, that is totally fine be they NT or NC.

Socialising in the hols is fine but not compulsory. FaceTime is socialising actually.

what a nasty little person you are

I don’t think anyone is saying that. What they are saying is parents should allow their autistic kids the time and space to decompress properly in the way that works for them and stop trying to apply NT approaches to them. And also, what helps ‘well-being’ can be very different to the NT norm.

@PostItInABook That's exactly what's being said. I think you need to read the thread again from the beginning

If you wouldn't begrudge an adult spending their free time relaxing, why should a child or teen 'need' a full calendar if they'd rather not? Yes, it's good to get some exercise and fresh air, and little things together as a family (or with her friends) would be fine, but that's plenty!

I treasure having time to enjoy my hobbies or just sit around streaming some entertainment. I'd really resent being 'forced' to go somewhere. It's such a relief, as an adult, to be free of the pressure to conform with someone else's idea of what I should be doing on my own time!

@bloodyeffinnora There's no need to resort to name calling

No thanks. I read it fine the first time. Nobody has said other aspects of health & wellbeing doesn’t matter at all, but thanks for the patronising response. You carry on being the font of all knowledge, perfect parent to your kids and the rest of us autistic plebs can carry on using our own coping methods as we see fit. 👍

That’s really fab that you and your dc have found that balance. I am autistic and have several autistic dc, and I think it’s what we’d all like to achieve. I found that when mine hit the teenage years it all got much harder.

I also think this is great when you are at a starting point of healthy equilibrium. It sounds like the OP’s dc isn’t there, after a term of school, and is verging on shutdown / burnout.

For my family, it’s definitely the case that if they are in school, there’s nothing left outside of that. One of my dc has been out of school a few months and only just getting to the point of joining outdoor activities / doing anything social again, it’s taken that long to recover from burnout.

i didn’t get this right for myself until I was diagnosed at 38… all my life, I thought my mental health was poor. It wasn’t. It was pure sensory overload. Now that I regulate it, I can do the outdoor stuff and socialise in my own way. Rather than losing the plot all the time, pushing through then crashing, in an endless cycle. But I do have to let myself shut down and decompress very regularly. I don’t do it for long periods any more, because I can do it regularly. A child in school can’t do that and will need to shut down for longer in order to cope, in many cases.

my experience is that when I back off, the children do show an interest in baking, fresh air, story writing, etc, when they’re ready, but pushing those things when they’re already overloaded leads to meltdown and burnout, and in that state, the good wholesome things aren’t good for them or what they need.

I hope that makes sense. I certainly don’t think all autistic people should play Roblox in a darkened room for the rest of their lives. What I do think is that for autistic people, learning to regulate and allow our brains to recover and recalibrate is extremely important and that pre wanting our children from doing that by imposing well meaning healthy and productive activity when they’re already overloaded isn’t good for anyone.

Are your children younger? Teens can say what they need which needs to be respected.