AIBU to let my Autistic dd spend the majority of the Easter break at home not socialising?

[Sfuandtired]

My 12 year old DD is autistic and currently on her 2 weeks Easter holiday, I’d mentally planned a few days out over the break, dd has agreed to two but other than that has asked to spend the majority of this time at home relaxing and “ avoiding people “
She’s happy in herself, communicative with the family but doesn’t really want to do much other than play on her iPad on roblox or watch Tiktoks
she also FaceTimes a close friend daily. AIBU to go with what she’s asking? It seems almost irresponsible crap parenting to let her sit around not doing much, but not sure if I’m getting swept along with the social media ideal of having to go on lots of days out etc? But then maybe what she’s asking is what she needs to do? In order to recharge/relax? Thanks

I was wondering whether your children are young, too. When mine were young, we had a lovely wholesome time of reading and den building and play dough.

When they got to tween/teen age, it all hit the fan.

Interesting responses. I was a child in the 60s/70s. Being left to my own devices, spending the school holidays mooching about, reading etc., was the norm. If we were lucky, there might be one big outing in the summer holidays, but neither me or any of my friends were being taken out on a regular basis.

I have often wondered whether there is genuinely greater degree of ND now (and if so, why?), or is just that our way of life now means that kids could "cope" back then, but now the everyday expectations are just too much?

This totally.

Also there a plenty of child led things to do that aren't screens but also aren't demands.

But then I'm not going to let my kids spend their childhood inside on screens all the time. They get plenty of that don't get me wrong, the will get days of factored in decompression but they will also have to go out a face the sunshine. They can sit and read a book on the swing seat. Go for a walk, go for a skate or bowling or soemthjng else heavy with satisfying sensory feedback. One of them often ends up sorting buttons, beads and similar if you take away all the screens. When people say don't just give them iPad all the time where not saying take them to Disney and have play dates everyday - force them into sensory overload - but there 100% are options. Have the decompression period and continue to have them throughout the holidays but the country is full of tweens and teens who just want to sit around on devices.

There are so many ways to regulate with asd. Screen time shouldn't be the only one and no child should be allowed to have weeks of it.
You may think you're doing them a favour but it's robbing them of opportunities to find other ways and other experiences.

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1353829218305756

there's no need to be so nasty or sanctimonious either

I think it is great that she recognises that she needs this time to decompress, if peopling is difficult for her then forced socialisation will do nothing for her. I appreciate that, I need time away from people myself.

ideally I’d encourage her to find other ways to decompress rather than using a screen all the time. Too much time immobile on a screen isn’t great for mental health. Time in nature, exercise, pottering around cooking, baking, drawing or writing are all healthy ways to decompress. But it’s easier said than done, I know. You don’t want to make her feel like she’s on a schedule.

Why is mixing butter, sugar, flour and eggs together seen as such a wholesome activity?

It just the act of creating something - there is a sense of accomplishment at the end and it is a lightly active thing to do . It’s just one of many activities that someone can do alone at home and might find relaxing. I think finding ways to relax off screens will benefit everyone. Doing the same thing all the time isn’t good for us.

You can be creative on screens as well, though.

I personally always hated baking. Too much potential for mess and the ingredients had weird textures.

Is that a real question or rhetorical?

I haven't suggested cooking but I know others have.

If it's real I imagine:

It's traditional and often harks back to a farmhouse kitchen type idyl and people's own fond memories with their mums.

Entry level creativity with tasty tangible results.
Low waste as you eat the product, so you don't end up with a shelf of clay work / wall of crap paintings/ bits of paper or wood everywhere etc.

Nice smells but definitely either big hit or total miss in other sensory ways. One of my kids loves the feel of scrunching flour and butter, the other wouldn't be able to stand having it anywhere near their skin.

@AnyDayAnyWay of course you can be creative of screens. People are looking for an alternative to 15 days of screen time though so aren't going to be suggesting more ways to spend screen time.

Cooking isn't for everyone but there are more options than just screens and cooking. And again this isn't no screen time it's just appreciating that long term 15 days of sitting inside on screens isn't going to make anyone feel great or equip them with the skills to cope down the line.

15 days of sitting inside on screens isn't going to make anyone feel great

That depends on the person, surely?

Your neurodivergent child has said she needs some time to decompress. Let her do this. She needs to do it.

I agree with PP’s that it’s completely fine to let her decompress over the holidays. I don’t have an autistic child, but I appreciate that your DD needs to completely relax and not be overstimulated.

Having said that, two weeks with no exercise isn’t good for anyone’s physical health., regardless of whether they’re ND or NT. There’s plenty of guidance out there on how much exercise adolescents need.

So if she can think of something that she enjoys (and can do at home if she prefers), that would be good to add in.

What about her physical health, @AnyDayAnyWay? That’s important too, especially in adolescence.

if your were baking (for pleasure) for 6 hours a day people would be getting worried about you. 6 hours on TikTok and people don’t blink an eye. It’s about trying to find a balance.

Lots of exercise videos on YouTube!

Mines burnt out she has adhd and had another meltdown this evening over homework that is due in tomorrow that she hasn't done and will be given yet another detention if it's not done. She has progressively got more rude and triggered anytime school or homework is mentioned. We will be staying home and trying to rebuild her mental health ready for the school to destroy it again in two weeks 👌🏽. I am also burnt out from the constant emails meltdowns and looking after a newborn. Gaming and not doing alot sounds good to me. I don't think it's unreasonable for you dc to want to stay home. Mines not even having her phone over easter to give her brain a complete break with no added pressure of what others are doing, no school girl dramas just a mental break from everything.

Exactly! She can find something that suits her to get exercise at home. As long as she’s not sitting or lying down all day, that’s bad for all of us.

Well, they'd be pretty much the only ones I've ever heard of, then.

But I didn't say autistic people can't do it. I said we generally don't need it, and when we do it we need a damn good rest afterwards. That certainly seems true for the OP's daughter, because she said exactly that.

Still screens though, which seems to be what some people are objecting to.

I’m just trying to highlight screens can be used in a variety of ways.

My autistic 12yo would definitely stay in her room on her iPad all holiday if I let her. However she’s overweight and doesn’t move much, so she really needs to be encouraged to do more.

She will get a fair amount of that but I’ll also be forcing her out for a walk, go to the library, swimming, and some other non screen activities. It’s hard work doing this but I do feel it’s important for her wellbeing.

Spending all day on screens is terrible for mental health regardless of what diagnoses a person has. And this continues to be the case even for those who honestly and genuinely believe that the screens are doing them good.

Let her relax. Autistic people are known to burnout. She probably wants to unwind

I think you can strike a balance. I think 2 "days out" is plenty but on the other days perhaps you could encourage a brief time out of the house - having a walk to a local shop for a packet of sweets or popping to a park or a little walk in a forest or by a canal (whatever you have local to you). I think it would just be good to have an impetus to get teeth brushed, washed and dressed and blow the cobwebs off - and if you keep these trips short/ don't expect too much conversation and don't arrange to meet up with anyone else hopefully your daughter will find them low stress ok or even enjoyable.

I love a full on pyjama/duvet day but I would try to limit them to just a couple of days of the holiday personally.

As a mother of 2 ND older teens I would say, not going out socialising is fine. Lots of social media and screens and absolute no.