Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

[Hhaaaa]

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

With some supervision, then I wouldn't mind.

Is the 14 YO ND? I had a newborn when my daughter was 14 and she would quite often take over care of the baby whilst i slept. Bit odd that you cant leave him to settle her if he wants to

Gently, OP, I think you're overwhelmed and sleep-deprived and letting this loom much bigger than it otherwise would be. The older ones have the potential to be a huge help to you. No, they can't settle a BF baby who just wants to comfort suckle, but things change very fast in these early days, and if they learn how to hold and soothe her, it won't be long before they can be a real help to you.
My three are almost exactly the same age as your big three, and the older two have been actively involved with their much younger cousins from the first days. They're now treated as another adult pair of hands when the family is together and are as capable of soothing a tiny baby as anyone else. The eldest has even reached that casual stage of baby handling where he has the baby in the crook of one arm, and a drink or his phone in the other.
I'd be inclined to be pretty sharp about the moaning over competitive baby holding, and make it clear that fair allocation of time isn't happening - it's about what the baby needs right now, and if that means that one child happens to get to hold her for a long time, while the others don't hold her at all that day, then they just have to suck it up. Otherwise, I'd try to involve them as much as possible. It may not be long until the oldest could actually look after the baby while you nap, which would be the holy grail of age gap parenting!

you are setting them up nicely for a lifetime of jealousy and resentment. Let them hold the baby.

I had a similar situation when my last baby was born - including a teenage older brother who adored his baby sister. We drew up a chart which we called the cuddle chart and kept it to hand with a pen. If she was settled (she was the easiest baby ever) I would call whoever was next on the list to hold her. The one nearest in age to her was only three so he tended to come with me when I dressed her so they could lie on the bed and chat rather than hold her which required another adult.

I do not really understand why people want 4 children to be honest in a tricky and expensive world.Not to mention climate emergency.Or why someone with a child of 14 would want to start again but people with kids are usually let off from any need to explain or justify which I find irritating because it is seen as just ' natural' to reproduce (sometimes without thought)..Childless or childfree don't get that privilege.However good luck to you but as you have older kids let them help.They will.learn a lot

Have a chat with them about what your baby needs - sleep without being stroked/poked - and then let them hold her. They'll learn to be gentle and restful.

When my tiny sisters were born I was 15 and 18 and used to hold them for ages while they slept - we all did; those little girls had 5 older siblings. Mum got to rest. We also helped out with walking them up and down for hours in the evening when they had colic. (And we also did household jobs like cooking and folding the washing so Mum & Dad got plenty of time to cuddle with the babies too.)

Ah of course… yes it all makes sense now!

Try and find a way to make this work in a way that suits you and even helps you OP, it's lovely.

It must be hard in these early days but your son also wants to feel trusted and involved. I adored my baby brother when I was 15. I don’t recall having to ask to hold him but I’m sure would have been told how to do it safely, how to help settle him etc. He was my little shadow for years, it’s a lovely bond to encourage.

And if it is a step thing, get over it now. They are after all related to your child even if not to you. My little brother isn’t fully related to me and it has never mattered one jot (thank god).

Yes if it doesn’t suit the baby but OPs post is more like an annoyance at the children being interested in holding the baby.

See I think it’s quite right that anyone should ask to hold a 6 day old baby, rather than just picking them up or taking them from the parent without asking.

It is lovely that they all want to hold her and be involved, but they’re old enough to have it explained to them that she’s not a doll. If she’s happy being held then I would obviously let them (don’t keep her to yourself just to make a point!) but if it’s unsettling her then just gently say no and try and find something else they can do to be involved. You need to prioritise yourself at the minute, especially as you’re breastfeeding, and that means having a baby that’s as content as possible.

I think it is wonderful that they love her so much already. You're very lucky in that way because a lot of older children only see negatives about babies. You're an adult and a mother, so you should know that your children aren't able to understand what having a baby is like from your point of view. I think you need to be careful not to turn this into a negative experience for them.

At 5 days you and the baby need rest. Can you agree a specific point in the day (not a set time but maybe a specific event after she's woken up from an afternoon nap) when they get to hold her in succession and quickly? Time to put in some rules about NOT waking a sleeping baby.
Prioritize yourself for the next few days/weeks whilst allowing them to hold her but not indulge.

I agree with this. Let him snuggle her, she’ll sleep better, he can so easily be a helping hand during this period, I would let him. Sure lads that age love watching crap on tv, let him cuddle her whilst you rest yourself. Babies this age love to be held by a person and whilst they want their mum most, an older sibling is a very useful tool that you have here to help you during this stage.

sleep deprivation, hormones, and trying to recover from birth has probably clouded your judgement here/left you short on patience.

Dad should still be on paternity leave. Can he take the older kids out a little bit more just now? Or give you more of a break? You do the feed and he does the settling so you can go straight to sleep?

It all seems like it’s on you, but you’ve got two parents and paternity leave for this reason!

Also, just speak to your older kids. They’re very much older kids now ans can just be told to stop the nonsense. I don’t understand how you haven’t told a 14 and 13 year old to pack it in. Or how their dad hasn’t.

I have a 3 month old and I'm breastfeeding. my 11 year old is completely obsessed with her sister. She asks to hold her, complains she hasn't held her as much as me or her dad, sometimes I say yes sometimes I say no if baby is happy where she is. It doesn't get better over time well at least it hasn't here. She's just as obsessed now as she was when we brought her home. Honestly my first does so much for my second gets her clothes helps (or hinders bath time) gets nappies, sits with her while I'm sorting dinner or going to the toilet. Your eldest will be a gods send in a few more weeks. My early days weren't that long ago, I've not forgotten. She would have a quick cuddle when baby was settled and I'd take her back when she started getting fussy feed her again and repeat or say not right now or in a bit if I didn't want to deal with it there and then. She accepted and came back later. Let your eldest have their time when the others are in bed and let your youngest before school try and space it out. It is what it is, enjoy your loving family. It won't be long before baby is a toddler and all up in their shit and they will be begging to be left alone.

13 and 14 year olds are having to ask to hold their sibling? That's just weird. Show them how to settle the baby, they will then be able to help you out.

OP your hormones are raging and you have an overwhelming desire to hold onto your baby and protect them. That's totally normal. My DC4 is 4 months old and I felt the same. She seemed so tiny and helpless and my older children seemed so big and careless.

It is really worth putting work into sibling bonds though. Find something you are comfortable with e.g. can you chat/sing to baby while I change her nappy? My 7yo loved this and its actually been very helpful - DTwins needed a haircut yesterday soI had baby lying on a sofa with DD positioned to prevent rolling and baby gazed adoringly at 7yo for 20 minutes. She'll also often chat to get if baby wakes up before I've finished washing my hair.

At 14yo, there are plenty of things you could teach him. Baby will soon get familiar enough with him to be soothed by his smell/voice. Carrier is a great idea - he could take her for a short walk after she's fed and see if she settles. Baby is only tiny a short while, but you'd be building a previous sibling nond that would help you and couldlast a lifetime. Plus you'll be teaching him the skills to be a confident and involved father.

First of all, congratulations op!

Secondly I wish my 15 year old dd would hold my newborn even for 5 minutes!

Make the most of it and have a shower, your son sounds a lovely boy and great big brother

@WarshipRocinante not everyone has paternity leave my oh is self employed don't go to work don't get paid.

Once a day is no good. They will probably get fed up. They need to bond.

Lol.. Great post. My son was that baby. Wrapped in so much love, he never cried for long before the other children fought to get him from the cot and brought him to me for feeding which I felt I'd done 30mins ago (mooooooo). He never ever ever needed to cry and even now (24) is a genuine lovely young man who has more love than he can handle from several siblings. At the time I definitely appreciated all the help asking them to help me cook or wash up and then take turns with baby. The novelty wore off slightly, and it calmed down, but you will be grateful in the long run.

How terribly sad for the 14 year old Bering refused to hold their baby sibling.

You are being far too uptight.