My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

Your DH’s suggestion is fine. Your DM would be a bit precious if she really kicked up a fuss at this.

Brother would be bewildered? Wtf?

If your DH's relationship with your side of the family is a bit tricky, having him stay behind to bring your DD later seems ideal.

In my world., which is real life to me, family gatherings would never take priority over shows/events/life. Nobody in my family would never get annoyed that someone was absent because they are off competing or taking part in a show/event.

i dont think we've ever had a gathering where everyone was present, always someone doing something else for some reason!!

The grandma could have another 25 birthdays and the 11 year old will not have any more primary school shows.

A grandparent living 4 hours away is of limited relevance to an 11 year old - they will be the only child sitting around with a bunch of adults they hardly know. It sounds rubbish and they will be really disappointed to miss the show - will probably remember the disappointment for the rest of her life.

A grandparent living 4 hours away is of limited relevance to an 11 year old - they will be the only child sitting around with a bunch of adults they hardly know

In your opinion. Other people will have very close relationships with their extended family regardless of how far they live from them.

Has anyone actually asked the daughter and granny what they would like

The obvious solution is dh plan

Dd does her gym show that she has been practising for

She may be sad her mum isn't there to watch but least dad will be

Rest of family do meal

Few hours later dd and dh arrive and can do cake and see granny

Then have Sunday to see granny again

I would never, ever feel hurt that someone couldn't come to my birthday party because they had to do a performance of something they'd rehearsed weekly for. Not a friend now and definitely not a child if I'd reached the big old age of 70.

Actually quite shocked that so many posters think that something an 11yo has put heart and soul into on a weekly basis (with teammates she doesn't want to let down) is so unimportant compared to a dinner in a restaurant. She will get to see her grandmother later that same night AND will be able to do something nice for her over the weekend. OP's husband's plan is the best.

Adults certainly can as they knew each other before moving away, but children don't generally have close relationships with people they rarely see. Relationships are built in spending significant amounts of time together - not a weekend a couple of times a year.

If I make it to 70 and have a big birthday celebration, the only people I would want there would be the ones that actually want to be.

Is she the only child? It might actually be a more relaxed lunch without the only child and the son in law the birthday girl dislikes

I completely agree with this

Family always comes first here but we're very close. My children would definitely choose to see their Grandparents over anything, they adore them.
Also it's a commitment that was already made, you don't cancel something you've already arranged because a perceived 'better offer' comes along.

Talking as a grandparent, I would never want one of my grandchildren to miss an event like this to come for a meal out for my birthday.
Your dd has been practicing for weeks for this event and it’s just unfortunate the dates clash. I’m assuming, as it is a show, then there are choreographed routines that removing one child from is going to cause untold hassle for coaches and team mates. You should never have signed your dd up for an event that may have clashed if it was so important for her to be at the dinner.

I was the child who was often unable to join friends over the weekend because we had an existing plan to visit grandparents. While I liked them, the "commitment" was souring it a lot.
Grandparents shouldn't be a "commitment", family should be an organic part of life.

Isn't training with a team a kind of commitment as well? And, even when the date is unclear, commitment to "really try to make it work" and in this case, coming bit later on Saturday would make both work.

Re: honouring the prior commitment - the gymnastics show was the first, even if the date was annoyingly non-specific. But also it wasn't the granddaughter who double-booked things! The 11yo was not in charge of checking whether a restaurant dinner clashed with her end-of-term show and presumably no one ran the dates by her. She shouldn't be made to honour a commitment that she didn't actually make just because the adults dropped the ball.

Why don't you just host the dinner at yours, problem solved

But that's absolutely not even remotely similar to our family/life. As I said my children would most definitely choose their grandparents. They both do lots of hobbies, they both have days out every weekend, they both see friends all the time, we actually have big friends days out every school holiday and weekend trips away with them.

The commitment is the pre booked meal, not seeing family, sorry I thought that bit was obvious.

This

My children adored their grandparents (who lived 3 hours away) and still go to stay with their widowed grandmother (now in her 90s) because they want to. We are a close family and big on celebrating landmark events. But my parents would never have made a thing about their grandchildren being at a meal in these circumstances, especially if they were going to be there the rest of the weekend. Perhaps that is why my DCs adored them - they were not demanding in anyway, just endlessly loving and confident in the knowledge that they were loved back.
As I have already posted, I would not be aggrieved if one of my DGCs did not attend my 70th birthday meal later this year in these circumstances, especially if I was going to see them the rest of the weekend.
I understand btw that the OP says the meal cannot be rearranged because they have paid a deposit but, if 100% attendance is so important to the grandmother, it would be worth speaking to the restaurant about switching to lunch the next day instead. As long as the restaurant is still getting the custom, they may be happy to be flexible if given notice.

The girl has also made a commitment to her gymnastics team mates. Does that not count?

Op knew there was a risk the dates would end up clashing before the DD started practicing for the show.

It's not like it's a 'better.offer' to another party. It's a show that has probably had hours of work and practice put into it.

I would absolutely let my daughter do the show (and have done in the past with family occasions and dance shows)

Your DH’s proposal sounds very sensible.

They will both be there later, and If your DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with your mum, it’s not clear why his presence is so necessary for the whole thing.

My mother would say the same as you are saying. She is convicted it was our choice. And we were meeting friends, just in a way she planned, no space for more spontaneous/last minute plans, because the grandparents were planned in advance.

Anyway, what about the commitment to her dance team?

I would go with your DH suggestion. Let her do the show and come up to birthday afterwards.

Again, with respect, your family couldn't sound any more different to ours. I'm sorry you had that experience but it's not ours.
I could repeatedly tell you I don't ever recall an occasion where they've ever said no to anything (apart from 2 Birthday parties when we were actually abroad on holiday) but you seem to be convinced you know us better, which is honestly a bit odd. Why not just accept different people do things differently.
Yes there was a commitment to the team but 2 wks notice means they'd already made other plans. I don't suppose they could be expected to put life on hold until that date was announced.