My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

DH is happy to miss it because ... can't remember how OP phrased it - he's obvs not that close to his MIL.

He and DD are giving up the Sat night and Sunday to go up to see MIL on her big 70th b.day weekend. That's enough isn't it? Unless she's gravely ill and this will be her last one i think it's all a bit of an OTT fuss.

She'll see everybody all at once on the Sat night/Sunday.

Even OP has said her mum would prob prefer the DD to do her hobby. I think this is more about optics for OP. She mentioned what her brother would think ....

Let your daughter go with your husband. As a woman who celebrated her 70th birthday recently, it would not make my day if a grandchild missed something to attend my celebration.

Op what time does the Gymnastics show start?
You could explain the situation and ask if it can be arranged for her group to be first, close to the start of the show. And all leave straight after she has done her bit, would that get you there in time for dinner?

I actually think the show sounds poorly organised given the little notice of the dates. I think it would be unfair for DD to miss out. But I also think Granny's birthday is pretty important, if it really comes to it I'd go with your DH suggestion, missing the meal but still seeing Granny. Which I'll assume is an over night so catching up with rest of family too.

I mean OP at the end of the day it's no good asking here because we're all different and would do different things. I think it's fine for DH to take DD to do her thing and then join you all for the rest of it.

Others think differently.

None of us are going to be there on the day cheering you on or booing - so you have to come to a decision as a family. Take a vote. The 3 of you. If DD and DH would rather come up later on Sat (knowing Gran would understand) go with that and sod what your brother thinks!

@MadamVastra

and the woman who gave birth to OP isn’t her family?!

it’s gonna be shit for you when your offspring have kids of own if they adopt your mindset

Your missing the point about the child who has practiced for THIS show.

Swiping it away from her, because of a clash of dates and people putting the birthday as more important than her efforts. It's also letting her team mates down.

What's the point in her putting effort into any sort of show, or display again if neither of her parents care?
This is a young child we are talking about.
There needs to be compromise.

Indeed.

A young female child who often decide once they hit secondary school level that sports or Pe isn’t for them and give it up totally.

Where as this one has a love for gymnastics, so would be likely to keep it up. But if it becomes pointless and her effort is undermined and deemed of no importance she may become one of those who doesn’t do sports anymore.

We did my Dad's 70th birthday in July, renting a cabin on a lake and having the family stay for a week. His actual birthday is in April.

This. My mum would insist on grandchild attending performance

The issue here is the lack of notice of the show.
It isn't about how important anyone else thinks the Grandmother's birthday is, it is about the fact that the family already have a commitment to be away for that weekend.
Surely the show organisers must have had to have booked this ages ago - it is their fault for not communicating the date.

I might be biased because I have recently lost my mum in her 60s but for me family comes first. You are lucky to have a 70th to celebrate.
A show arranged with two weeks notice sounds like a bit of something and nothing to me. There will be plenty of opportunities for gymnastics in the future, when you don't already have important plans.

Not the daughter's fault though.

Why on earth do they only give a couple of weeks' notice of the gymnastics show? That's so stupid.

I would prioritise your mum's birthday.

There would be no discussion on this in my house. We would all be at Grandma's for her birthday.

Yup, DH is right.

I am going to be celebrating my 70th birthday this summer. FWIW I'd be perfectly fine with the compromise the OP's DH has proposed. Or move the celebration to another weekend.

It sounds as if your DD does these shows regularly, your DM will only be 70 once.

If this was my grandchild I would want them to go to the gymnastics I would see them another time

We'd prioritise the gymnastics. I think the compromise is fine. My children's grandparents think that sport is important and would want the kids to do that.

Sounds like our family. We usually mark the occassion in some way on the day itself but its quite usual to do sonething else to celebrate on a different day.
In OPs case, the whole family are going to be there on the day albeit 2 of them a bit later than planned. It's not as if they were saying they wouldn't go at all!

DDs birthday is school holidays and she's grown up having her party or celebrations on a random day in July or September!

I agree the show organisers have dropped the ball and should have communicated dates earlier.

But I still think it's unfair to the girl to allow her to spend time practicing, possibly be excited to be chosen for the display, only to later say No she can't do it.
It's totally undermining her efforts. And sends a poor message what her parents think of her attempts.

You also have to think, if she is upset at not getting to perform because of Grannys birthday, how likely is she to sit in a corner and sulk. Putting a dampner on it for everyone?

It's not like she isn't going to see Granny at all, or Granny isn't going to get a photo opportunity with her complete family.

There needs to be compromise.
But I'd still ask if it's possible for her group to be up first so they can get on the road ASAP

I will be 70 in 3.5 years time and I would be proud of my granddaughter and so happy if she came later in the evening after her event.

No way would I want her to miss something she has worked for: gymnastics demands hard work, commitment and talent! We need to invest in young people.

Surely your mum doesn’t think her birthday party should take precedent over something an 11 year old has been working for and looking forward to?!

Especially since your daughter can come afterwards so her grandma will still see her.

Could you do the dinner as Sunday lunch? That way your DH could go to DD's show and then drive her?

Did you read OP's three posts?
She said "the birthday meal can’t be moved - it’s for 10 of us at a nice restaurant and we’ve paid a chunky deposit."