My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

You started with rather categorical "Family always comes first", which is hardly compatible with "I don't ever recall an occasion where they've ever said no to anything"...

Anyway, let's leave this part aside :)

The OP knew that the dates will come relatively late, so it comes with some commitment of "trying to make it work". Who else should exercise a little flexibility than the girl's own family? Especially when she actually can do both- visit the grandma on her birthday and have her show.

It sounded that the OP's main concern was what her brother would say, which just sounds to me like the least important voice in the whole situation, but something which might resonate with "family always comes first" approach.

Personally family comes first, time isnt always a given and things can change quickly especially in regards to health, I think it's really important to celebrate these milestones with loved ones and make memories. This family event has been organised for a long time with lots of people travelling a distance to attend. The show was a later addition. If it was a regional competition then perhaps different but for a show? Grandma's 70th birthday trumps that.

The question is, how upset will your mother be if DD misses part of the celebrations including the meal, if DD is going to see her later in the day? We all know that children don't really get a lot out of these big family occasions unless they are able to be unruly with their cousins, so it's not like DD will miss out and I'm fairly sure the birthday girl will be mostly chatting with adults rather than getting intimately involved in the children's shenanigans. I suspect you will be the one most put out - can you put that aside for your DD and maybe have a girlie day out with Granny some other time?

This

Could you stay an extra day so that your parents can see DD and DH for a bit longer even if they miss the actual meal? Young children generally don't care about nice meals anyway so she probably wouldn't engage with your mum that much during the meal anyway, nor DH if they don't get on.

This. We had similar with one of my stepchildren and an in law kept laying it on thick how their birthday was important. Ooh that got the DSCs back up and they snapped and said the competition was important to them. I was so proud of them standing up

My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD

He's right. & for all you know your Mum may be understanding of this, even if you're not.

I’d let your daughter do the show. She’s been practising for weeks, it’s not like she’s just joined and it’s a spur of the moment thing plus it’s her last primary show! Let DH bring her up after and do something nice on the Sunday together.

Team daughter here. Its an excellent compromise and I don't see a problem.

Sounds to me like you’ve already made your decision so I can’t see the point of the post. For what it’s worth I disagree with you and agree with your DH.

When I was 11 I was in the school choir. I had rehearsed for months for a show we had coming up, and had the part of a narrator and everything. The week before the show my mum decided to take us on a 2-week holiday, so I never got to do the show, and it was the last 2 weeks of year 6 so I never found out if they put it on or not and I was gutted. Your mum has had 70 birthdays. I get she’s important but your daughter's show is probably important to her too. If someone’s willing to take her and take her after, let her. Your mum/family may even want to go to the show to watch it!

Daughter does the show. It’s not even a debate for me.

the meal isn’t that important. The kid has been training for this, and surely they didn’t just spring it on you that there was a competition?

I’d push the meal to another weekend/next day/ lunch/breakfast anything.

Let her do the show and come up after with a lovely present for your mum and plan something nice on the Sunday as well!

if I was your mother I would not want my granddaughter to miss out on something like this - especially if its a show she would have been practicing a role and the rest of the team would be losing a member.

My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards.

I’m team DH. If you’re a tiny close knit family just move the main birthday meal to Sunday lunch.

Go with your husband suggestion
You can all have breakfast together next day when they up if a meal together is important.
Can't imagine a 11 year old who is missing a fun event with friends would add anything to a meal with adults.

Missing these kind of big events can be really significant for children. She will definitely remember for many years to come if you show she isn’t a priority and her grandma is. It’s not about one gymnastics show, it’s about showing her you value her wishes and her commitments.

I would try with the brother to move the birthday meal weekend; even if a deposit is paid it can usually be moved, just not cancelled. If that didn't work, then no show; DD should prioritise her grandparents and understand why it matters to do so. Especially as you have such a tiny family with only 9 of you visiting for the birthday, losing 2 is significant. There will always be more gymnastic shows if she's serious about it, and it isn't trials for the Olympics! Ask yourself what would you expect an adult to do? And how will you feel when your DD prioritises all her hobbies over you in future, because that's what you've taught her matters?

This nails it straight away.

If they can't give you decent notice, they should be prepared that people will have plans.

This. It isn't as if she just wants to see her friends, this is something she has practised for.

Dh's plan is absolutely fine. She still sees granny, just later on.

If it were not your daughter's final gym display and if she were not a member of a group, I would have her attend the party.

However, in your case I would have your husband very organised to leave the gymnastics ASAP and drive to the party afterwards.
Could a family photo with the cake happen at 9:00 pm?

Or could the 70th weekend stay the same, except the dinner become a Sunday luncheon?

When dd was 12 she was doing her Dof E camping weekend.
One of the mums wouldn’t allow her dd to do it because it clashed with a family birthday tea.
That weekend the other 5 dc really bonded and unfortunately for the dc she missed out on all the Dof E events subsequently as the other girls went on to do silver and gold and finally attended St James Palace.

Years later the dm involved admitted she had been wrong. It really affected her dd’s social life as a teen.

This is clearly a completely different scenario to a casual gymnastics show vs a grandmas significant birthday weekend 🤯

I think your mum's 70th has priority over the show. It was was arranged first and your mum would love the grandchildren to be a part of it. Everyone will be dressed up and lots of photos taken. You dont know how long she has, and how many more opportunities you have to do this. If you do take her to the show you're actually teaching her a lesson. To always choose what she wants to do e.g. cancel plans with family/friends, If something better comes up.

'This is clearly a completely different scenario to a casual gymnastics show vs a grandmas significant birthday weekend '

She will still see granny just miss the meal, what on earth is wrong with that compromise? She's practised for the gymnastics event. It clearly is a big deal for her.