My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

Could DD stay with a friend, who is also in the show so your DH can go to the Bday.

I don't know if she has those sort of friends in the gymnastic group but if she does they would have a great time getting ready together and celebrating afterwards. My DD did do sleepovers or short holidays with close school friends at that age.

It's typical on here. It's an old woman's birthday so of course it isn't as important as something that a child wants to do.

Except, in the real world, it is. IN fact it is more important because this is an elderly lady who has been ill and who doesn't get to see her whole family very often due to the kids commitments.

OP your instinct is right. This time you should prioritise your mother and her birthday. Children don't always have to take priority.

@Iloveshihtzus same here. My lovely dad's 70th will forever be hugely significant to me as he died suddenly three days before. I'll never forget the heartbreak of his presents and him just not there.

I know everything thinks 70 is so young these days but it's not really, not everyone is that lucky. Time is becoming precious then.

I'm also from a non-UK culture and older relatives are revered.

I agree with your husband. He stays and takes her to the show and drives up later.

My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum
So maybe not such a close family after all?

I think you have already decided this is a fun show but not essential - she can enjoy the practice after all.

If your DH had agreed with you, then there wouldn't be an issue - you would all go and frame it positively for your DD. But this hasn't happened. Your DH is not on the same page (because his underlying vibe is, he is not keen on your mum?)

Fwiw, we have had this conflict in terms of sport event v family do (Golden Wedding) and the family do won out - but everybody was happy and on board with the decision and the kid who missed out now plays that sport professionally, so it did them no harm at all (but are also in the family photo for the Golden Wedding!)

Sometimes we can't do everything, and it sounds like your family event was organised first so that should be your answer maybe.

Thing is it's not an either/or.

DHs compromise solution means everyone gets a bit of what they want. Also a bit of a free pass for him if he isn't so bothered about the meal either.

They will both be there in time to sing Happy Birthday and cut the cake.

It isn't about prioritizing your mother over your daughter.

It's about prioritizing:
-mothers 70th over DD's show
-prior commitment over later invitation
-family over school

It's rarely right to accept a later invitation over a prior commitment. And when the prior commitment is a wider family gathering for a grandmother's 70th, it's surely black and white.

DH's plan would be very unfair to your mother and extremely rude.

A 70th bday happens once. DH can do the kiddies’ gym show but you need to be at the birthday party.

Surely the commitment of the gymnastics came first when they enrolled her to this club and knew she was practising for a performance at which they always knew they get short notice for.

The birthday dinner was then poorly planned knowing an upcoming performance was imminent.

Mostly you can go back and check.. rehearsal start.. 8 weeks later show. Shows always on Fridays / Saturdays so best keep them clear around that rough date.

I have photos on display (that I can think of right now) from Aunt's 70th, Uncle's 75th, grandmother's 100th, grandmother's 60th, mother's 50th, brother's 40th, PIL's 40th WA, BIL's 30th.

If I wanted to find a photo of one of my music recitals, or one of my daughter's ballet shows, or anything like that... well it would take an awful lot of digging around to find one.

Your mother will remember her birthday for the rest of her life. Gymnastics shows will eventually blur into one.

I don’t know many people who display photos apart from a couple above the fire these days, maybe a couple on a bookcase.

Those would tend to be of the couple, their children(their wedding photo) and then grandchildren.

Certainly Not uncle Richard’s 70th and granny’s 90th.

If it's that formulaic then they should release the date a few months ahead.

No club can reasonably expect an open commitment of "whatever Saturday we fancy choosing with little notice".

You might as well argue that the birthday would have been known about for 70 years (to DM) whole life (to OP and DD) and since marriage (to DH)!

Touched a raw nerve there did I?

Touched a raw nerve there did I?

Remember that will be you relegated one day too, when you're just the oldie.

O's mum will have the whole day & meal with 8/10 of the invited people.

The other 2 will be there for the evening & the next day.

I think that that is pretty good tbh.

I think the fact that it’s her last show with the primary school makes it significant enough so I’d go with her and your husband joining you later . Your mum will still get to see her entire family on the one weekend .

Whereas we have no photos like that on display, and I remember hardly anything about any birthday or other family celebrations, although we have certainly been to a few. I do remember very clearly certain events my children took part in, usually as part of a group or team, and how proud I was of their achievements/performance.

We're all different.

And maybe your daughter would have liked to go some more ballet shows.

I think grandmas birthday is hugely important, which is why it is so bad that OP messed up the scheduling. The school doesn’t provide an exact date, but there is still a range of potential dates. Op never should have scheduled something for one of those potential weekends. This party should have been planned for a weekend that everyone was guaranteed available.

since that didn’t happen, some people will miss the party.

The family meal comes first it’s not every day her grandmother is 70, plus it’s already arranged.

She's done all the ones she's had the chance to be in so far, and all of the plays she could have been.

But she understands that, for example, booking to visit her grandparents for the weekend means she has to miss any friend's birthdays party she might subsequently be invited to that weekend.

It's not even as complex as prioritizing. It's basic good manners. And having good manners, keeping her word, and coping with some disappointment will hold be far more valuable in shaping her character than an extracurricular activity.

Let DH take your DD to the show and bring her up after the big sat meal - then have a 2nd, complete with DD, meal on the Sunday.

There will also be plenty of opportunities to watch a teen doing gymnastics.

8/10 people for some of it and 10/10 for the rest does indeed sound pretty good.

Except that this meal is the focal point of the whole weekend - missing a different bit wouldn't matter anywhere near so much.

And except that having "everyone" there for a family celebration is so incredibly precious. It'll be infinitely more special for the grandmother if everyone can be there.

Hopefully there might be many more major celebrations when she can be surrounded by her whole family. But - especially at 70 - there's no guarantee.

I guess we don't put such importance on birthdays in our family, but it just seems such a shame for DD to miss the event she practiced for when she can still appear at the end of the meal.
It's not perfect, but DDs gymnastics show is also important to her and she didn't create the scheduling conflict.