Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

459 replies

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:24

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

OP posts:
hangingonfordearlife1 · 31/03/2024 09:55

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:48

Thanks all so much for your thoughts - so helpful. We’re a small family (10 all in, so 2 missing people really feels significant) and my mum hasn’t been well lately - but she’s very stoic. The thing is I know she’d also say to do the show but would actually be disappointed at the missed opportunity for everyone to have a meal together. And I think my brother would feel bewildered at my priorities. I feel extremely conflicted as I’d also love my daughter to do her show but feel family comes first (birthday meal organised for months - show is the late addition). Thanks again everyone.

your daughter is a priority over your brother and mother

Needanewname42 · 31/03/2024 09:56

Trixiefirecracker · 31/03/2024 09:46

I can’t believe either that people are saying 70th isn’t a big deal. I lost my mum at 72 and think all birthdays are important but especially later ones. It’s a shame your daughter will miss out but it’s been in the diary for a long time and should take priority.

The vast majority are on the compromise that she does the show and turns up with Dad about 9pm, in time for cake.
Win-win!

Op always knew there was a risk of dates clashing before the Daughter started training for the show.
She should have said no to the Saturday night if it was that big a deal to get everyone together we can do Friday night or Sunday lunch or hold off until we have the show date.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 31/03/2024 10:05

Trixiefirecracker · 31/03/2024 09:46

I can’t believe either that people are saying 70th isn’t a big deal. I lost my mum at 72 and think all birthdays are important but especially later ones. It’s a shame your daughter will miss out but it’s been in the diary for a long time and should take priority.

we can lose someone at anytime. i lost my dad at 72 too. however we can't stop our kids achieving massive goals because of a birthday. we can spend time together anytime. quality time should be important all year around.

poetryandwine · 31/03/2024 10:14

Hi, OP -

I haven’t RTFT. You say you mum hasn’t been well and I am sorry. Even so, the role of adults is to help children grow up. So unless there is reason to believe this is your DM’s last birthday, in which case DD must attend the main meal, I like the plan suggested by your DH.

FleetwoodMacAttack · 31/03/2024 10:16

Not too sure why the OP posted on AIBU when she was always clearly going to prioritise a meal. I feel sorry for the daughter here.

Fizbosshoes · 31/03/2024 10:18

It's good to celebrate birthdays, especially significant ones but I'm surprised so many people are of the opinion you can only celebrate on the day itself. We travelled on holiday on DDs birthday once, it wasn't ideal but we didn't say well that's it you've missed any chance of a meal out or a party! You'll have to wait til next year Confused

Whilst not ideal that the 2 things clash it's not as if they are not going at all. Or like a pp said could you arrange an afternoon tea as a late celebration?

Even though they've paid a deposit I would imagine most restaurants would allow some flex if they had availability the next day (I'm not saying they should move the meal - just that it's a possibility!)

1983Louise · 31/03/2024 10:19

I'd go with your husbands idea, your daughter will be happy and so will your Mum as she's seeing all her family on her birthday. Buy your Mum some lovely flowers from your daughter and she can bring them in with her when she arrives. Have a lovely time celebrating 🙂

Willmafrockfit · 31/03/2024 10:29

i think the birthday should be prioritised

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 31/03/2024 10:33

Needanewname42 · 31/03/2024 09:42

I get what that poster is saying. And it's nothing to do with how much Grandchildren are adored just everything to do with the dynamics of a big group in a restaurant.

You get 10 people at a table there are normally 2 or 3 different conversations going on.
Partly because it's impossible to hear the people at the other end of the table and it's rude to shout so big groups end up with multiple conversations.

Show quote history

Exactly its not like they can mingle and talk to each other. Maybe DD could take grandma out for afternoon tea by herself at some point and talk to her

Moveoverdarlin · 31/03/2024 10:34

For me the 70th birthday meal would trump the gymnastics show every time. It’s not a competition just a show at primary school level. You look back and remember big family birthdays, I certainly do. Your DH is probably dreading the family do if he doesn’t get on with your Mum, so that’s why he’s pushing the gym show. It suits his agenda.

Busybee44 · 31/03/2024 10:36

Id let her do the show and dh drive her up after, surely everyone would understand?

DodoTired · 31/03/2024 10:40

You can still make a fuss of your mum even if DH and DD miss a big meal and join later.

what your brother thinks is irrelevant.

but does your DD really want to do this show?

MyNameIsFine · 31/03/2024 10:43

Why do you only get 2 weeks' notice of the gymnastics show? If the children are practising for something shouldn't they know when it's going to be on??

mamajong · 31/03/2024 10:45

Personally I'd let your dh take dd. She has practised for the show and I'm.sure your mum will understand

Zyq · 31/03/2024 10:49

I think your husband's idea is a good one. As a grandmother, I would really hate to think I'd made a grandchild miss something they'd been working towards and looking forward to, and it's not as if your mother won't see your DD at all. Plus your daughter pulling out may mess up the show.

MermaidMummy06 · 31/03/2024 10:51

Let your DH take her, them come up late.

We used to say sorry, no, to the DC when things clashed with family occasions. I felt DC were learning, as I did growing up, that my stuff wasn't important as everyone else & should be set aside for others' occassions.

There's a balance, and compromise, and performing then doing the pita drive up late is an option.

Zyq · 31/03/2024 10:52

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 13:34

Thanks again everyone- the birthday meal can’t be moved - it’s for 10 of us at a nice restaurant and we’ve paid a chunky deposit. Finding time to get us all together is so difficult as everyone has busy lives - especially the kids who do heaps of clubs. I hear all the grandparents saying they would want what’s best for the kids - and my parents too - they are amazing in that regard. Totally selfless … which is exactly why I would feel so awful asking them to compromise - I want to make a fuss of them and honour their milestone birthday.

But most grandparents would still feel bad about making their grandchild miss something they've worked on, no matter how much of a fuss you made of them. After all, you'll still be at the birthday meal and can still make a fuss of your mum.

Thomasina79 · 31/03/2024 10:54

If she were my grandaughter I would say go ahead with the gymnastics and have the birthday another day. I could not bear the little girl missing anything and I think most grandmas would feel the same

Zyq · 31/03/2024 10:55

And I think my brother would feel bewildered at my priorities.

Are you sure you're not projecting your own guilt onto him? Why would he feel bewildered? It's perfectly sensible to let your daughter do her show, particularly given that she will still be turning up on the day.

Londonrach1 · 31/03/2024 10:59

If it was a 69th birthday maybe but for a 70th hour dd has to go to her Granny's special birthday. Yabu to think about missing it

6pence · 31/03/2024 11:02

If there would be other shows I’d say family meal - but it’s her last one so I think that takes priority.

Needanewname42 · 31/03/2024 11:05

Moveoverdarlin · 31/03/2024 10:34

For me the 70th birthday meal would trump the gymnastics show every time. It’s not a competition just a show at primary school level. You look back and remember big family birthdays, I certainly do. Your DH is probably dreading the family do if he doesn’t get on with your Mum, so that’s why he’s pushing the gym show. It suits his agenda.

It's not like she'll be missing the birthday completely. She'll arrive for cake and the party back at the house.

Why should the Daughters efforts and commitments If op completely disrespected

Nannyfannybanny · 31/03/2024 11:05

Two special Birthdays, the milestone 18th, and 100. You actually only have one Birthday, the day you are born.

Caluse · 31/03/2024 11:05

I really don't understand the attitude on here that birthdays are not important. This is a milestone birthday and has been in the diary for months. Whereas the show has not.

I have to say if I was the OP I would have pressed the organisers for a date and told them that DD was not available on the date of the birthday meal, but I absolutely would be prioritising the birthday event which is much more important than some primary school gymnastics show.

If it were an important competition that would be a little different, but it isn't. So it really isn't more important and I worry what we are teaching our children if we teach them that whatever they want to do is always more important than other people.

While 70 these days is not necessarily a great age it is always possible after 70 that they will not live to see the next milestone birthday and I definitely would not be prioritising a gymnastics event over an important family birthday.

BananaLambo · 31/03/2024 11:07

Do the show and drive up after. If she’s been practicing as part of a team, not going will mean they have to alter the routine at short notice or find someone who can learn it - it’s a complete faff. If the team has committed to the competition then she really needs to do it. It’s a good lesson in what being in a team means.