My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

Did that make you feel big?

I’ve not read all the responses so sorry if this has been suggested already.

I think your DHs suggestion is the best fit- she’s practiced hard and it’s her last one in Primary and she’s still going to see her Grandma on her birthday. I think you could perhaps arrange something else special on top of the meal (e.g afternoon tea) with just your mum, you and daughter to have an additional celebration- maybe meet half way. Personally if I was your mum and feel badly she missed the competition, but, if your mum would be very disappointed perhaps the additional celebration would help to mitigate that. Also though it’s worth considering if anything happened to your mum how would your daughter feel having missed the birthday? Maybe doing an extra thing that’s special is a good compromise. Or just make sure you get an extra special thoughtful gift from your daughter xxx

@Cofffffeeeplease we are a big birthday celebrating family in general but honestly my parents would be happy for my kids to do something like this instead of a birthday meal. We make sure that whoever is available goes to the meal. 70th is still just a birthday and you'll be there anyway. It would be really sad for your DD to miss her show that she has been working towards, its not like she won't see your mum afterwards.

If someone is trying to patronise me and be condescending I think it’s reasonable to suggest they learn how to spell first. HTH.

I was being a bit silly and sarcastic. Usually folk that constantly say 'family first!' say things like discusting. 'Bubz' and 'little man' too but I didn't see the opportunity for that.

Tbf I do agree that seeing grandma on her 70th is important I just don't get the timing fretting. 9pm is fine. Everyone's happy.

I think your husbands suggestion is reasonable, you go ahead and they join later.

Why did the Op make the commitment to dinner knowing the dates may well clash?

Why not say we'll need to hang off until we know the date of the show before we book dinner?
She knew the Daughter was training for it. It's not like it came out the blue.

Maybe I am slightly biased as I’m usually in bed before 10, so someone rocking up at 9 would have missed my whole event 😭😂

'Maybe I am slightly biased as I’m usually in bed before 10, so someone rocking up at 9 would have missed my whole event'

Hmm. I think if it was your 70th you could push bedtime back until 11pm? That gives 2 full hours for photos and cake eating. This 70th may even go until the early hours imagine all the group poses that would allow. Perfect.

Not read every reply but .. the OP says that her husband and mother are not best friends. We don't know if that feeling is mutual.

I personally think the option of DH and DD going later possibly suits 3 people - the OPs Dm may be pleased that her SIL is a sent from the meal, DH certainly will be and DD gets to do her gymnastics ...

If you expect an evening event to be over by 9pm, so you can get your beauty sleep. Why not compromise and put it back to a chilled out Sunday lunch?

I'd expect most evening events to be on until 11 if its a meal out and a couple of drinks, public transport home. 12 or later if its a partying on at home.

or if know in advance explain to granny that DD has been practising for weeks for a show and is part of a team, so there's a possibility it would be on her birthday.

Then Granny can decide if it's imperative that all family are there for the entire meal whether to eg wait and book something that doesn't clash...or accept that there might be a compromise on who attends at what time

Has the meal been booked before DD even started rehearsals?

Why is the brother so bewildered? Is your family not used to people not placing them first all the time?

I suspect Ops not coming back because she expected Granny's dinner should come first.
But the DH has offered up a decent compromise. And this is something that needs a bit of compromise.

Yes obviously I would if it was my party. I still think the DD should be there for the main event I.e. the meal but I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on that.

But they weren't. DD made a commitment to a show that would happen soon. And then her family made another commitment. Then the show date was announced. It's not at all clear-cut. There was a commitment made to an even without a date which they took a punt on not clashing. But it did.

I would send her off with your DH assuming that's what she wants to do.
Arrange an afternoon tea for her with just her gran. Either out or bring one to her grans and leave them to it. They will have more quality time one on one than at a family dinner.

If she is sniffy about this I would explain to your daughter that this is a compromise and it's worth bearing in mind that her grandparents won't be around forever.

I'd let her do her show. Children aren't interested in meals out or birthdays. She has been practising for weeks and it is important to her and her team. She can still join in the birthday celebrations which are lasting a whole weekend!

No, I definitely don't subscribe to that. Commitments to things where your actual participation means missing it changes a whole performance for a lot of people would take precedence over a birthday meal, whoever that meal is for.

The commitment to the show is to more people than just granny.

I get what that poster is saying. And it's nothing to do with how much Grandchildren are adored just everything to do with the dynamics of a big group in a restaurant.

You get 10 people at a table there are normally 2 or 3 different conversations going on.
Partly because it's impossible to hear the people at the other end of the table and it's rude to shout so big groups end up with multiple conversations.

I can’t believe either that people are saying 70th isn’t a big deal. I lost my mum at 72 and think all birthdays are important but especially later ones. It’s a shame your daughter will miss out but it’s been in the diary for a long time and should take priority.

I totally thought this was going to be about your dd wanting to perform at your mum’s birthday party 😂

@TruJay I thought the same - that the OP would be asking about her daughter doing some cartwheels and a forward roll to entertain the guests.

OP, I would let your daughter do the show. She will be seeing your mum on the day, just not the meal bit. Hopefully your mum will see that it is important to your daughter to be at the performance.

But she wouldn't miss the whole celebration, if I was granny I would say to have a chilled say night and do the big meal for Sunday lunch as they will be away for the whole weekend

It is a big deal. The dd is going later, not missing it.

We all need to be a bit flexible in life.

If I were a grandmother I'd be horrified if a dgc was missing something they'd invested so much time amd effort in when coming later would be absolutely fine.

70 is not a big birthday. let her do it, it's not going to effect your mums enjoyment.