My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

DD should prioritise her grandparents and understand why it matters to do so.

Why does it matter more to prioritise grandparents than the team mates and the teachers who have given up their time to make the show happen? Where's the respect for then?

Ask yourself what would you expect an adult to do?
If an adult is competing competitively or getting paid to perform I'd expect them to know when competitions and shows are and plan other events round them. Even if it's an amature dramatics show they'd know when it's meant to be.

This isn't as simple as skipping a training session. It's letting others down as well as the daughter.

I'd go with DH plan.
It all comes down to whether you'd rather your DM or your DD to be 'gutted' and I'd side with my DC every time.

The replies on this thread are utterly bonkers, no wonder some people have poor relationships with their family and children turn into entitled brats who never have to inconvenience themselves in any minor way.

11 is the perfect age to understand that unfortunately sometimes we can’t do things we want to and that family is important. There is no way on earth anyone in our family would be missing my mums 70th, it’s likely your mum will only have one more significant birthday and she deserves to be made a fuss of. There will be plenty of other gymnastics shows.

This is the perfect time to model resilience and putting others first when it’s important. Can’t you just say “oh no DD, it seems your show falls on the weekend we’re going to see granny for her big birthday, what a shame you won’t be able to attend this time, but don’t worry there will be plenty of other shows and perhaps granny can come and watch next time/you can perform on the Sunday for the family so your hard work doesn’t go to waste. I know it’s upsetting but it’s really important and special to granny to celebrate with all her family”.

I think it’s really sad these days people seem to confuse “not being a people pleaser” with being a totally selfish fuck who only does exactly what they want. It’s perfectly fine to teach kids sometimes we need to put others first, if you are parenting well it won’t just turn them into pushovers.

The meal is the party? The most significant part and a family celebration. Family is important to many people, beyond the ones that just live in their house 🙄.

It's hardly bonkers to say that the DD has committed to a team, done lots of practice and should be supported in this.

Your DH's solution is best. It's a birthday meal not the last supper. She'll be there after and that effort will be appreciated.

'There is no way on earth anyone in our family would be missing my mums 70th, it’s likely your mum will only have one more significant birthday and she deserves to be made a fuss of. '

She isn't missing it. Just going later didn't you read the op?

It isnt entitled to attend an event that the dc is clearly committed to. No need for such angst over a meal when the dd will see everyone later on.

Some folk really put undue importance on birthday meals. It doesn't matter if you miss the chicken nugget part as long you hopefully get to see the vip birthday person at some point.

But this isn't just something the DD fancies doing. It isn't a random cinema trip with her friends or something. It's something she's practised for, already made a commitment to and if she doesn't do will be letting down her team mates.

A birthday meal, when she can be there just after and still be there overnight and for a nice breakfast the next morning so still participating in the birthday weekend doesn't take precedence over not letting down other people she's part of a team with.

You mentioned that she has done shows before. She's likely to do more.
She gets 1 shot at being involved in her grandmothers birthday, there will be precious photos, that can't ever be replicated a few years from now.
Family first, always

Exactly! It's not like there'll be much interaction if DD is sat at the far end of the table anyway. It would just be so grandma could watch her eat from afar. Pointless.

I did read the OP 🤣 attending at 9pm would be missing the “meal” i.e. the main part of the event.

”Undue importance” is your opinion, in our family we love celebrating people at birthdays and making sure all members of the family feel valued and important. I know people on mumsnet love to martyr themselves but I think it’s very healthy and important for children to see others being the centre of attention and learning that the entire family doesn’t just revolve around them. Turning up as an afterthought is quite rude to be honest.

If she doesn’t go to the meal she’ll be letting down Granny. We model that family is first, and also the meal was committed to first so should be honoured, but clearly not everyone feels that way.

She will be involved with the birthday just at 9pm. Do you stop taking photos at 9pm or something?

'Family first always' absolutely not. Compromise and workable solutions always first.

She's 70. Get a grip.

Really? Most granny’s I know adore their GC
and would be chatting away making a fuss, but perhaps that’s because the effort is reciprocated!

Yeah I don't get this obsession with the meal itself

Not if there's loads of people. Someone has to sit the end

Our son is a member of a drama group and in the run up to a show and obviously for the show itself there is no way he misses rehearsals and performances short of catching COVID or similar. Part of the ethos of getting kids involved in this kind of thing is about learning to follow through with commitments and be part of a team. It's an incredibly valuable lesson for the future.

But commitments (made before the show date was announced) to family don’t matter? Bizarre!

I can absolutely see your dilemma but my issue here is with the school. Very odd that they have kids practicing for weeks on end for a show that they won’t say a date for until 2 weeks before. I think I’d have had to have asked the school ages ok to sort the date out due to the possibility of it clashing with this weekend. And if they wouldn’t, then warn both your DD and the school that there is a possibility that she wouldn’t be able to take part if it falls on the date of the 70th.

I have never, ever seen a grandparent stick their grandchild away from them at a family event, usually they are super keen to sit next to them. Am I living in a parallel universe and people in the real world don’t actually like their grandkids or something? 😂

'I did read the OP 🤣 attending at 9pm would be missing the “meal” i.e. the main part of the event'

Missing the meal. How very discusting.

Perhaps they could save the cake until later , I mean I know traditionally that is after desserts with coffee but maybe they could save this very sacred of events and have the candle blowing out a bit later? It may be hard and I'm not saying many folk like yourself could cope with such a massive alteration in birthday procedures and protocols but it might work. Strength and hope to the op coping with this dilemma .

Did you mean “disgusting”? 😂

Well, not that bizarre seeing most people voted yabu.

I think those people saying she was committed to the gymnastics show before the birthday are missing the fact that the school didn’t say the date of the show !

Of course if months ago the school had said the date then the OP could’ve said in the planning stages of the birthday weekend then that weekend is out. But the school didn’t. They can’t expect these kids to keep every weekend free just in case they suddenly decide that’s the one of the show. What if it’s a child’s birthday that weekend and they’ve arranged a class party ? It’s very odd on the schools part and that’s what I’d be saying to my DD - yes you’ve committed to the show but they didn’t actually tell us the date in advance which says to me the school doesn’t think it’s that big a deal.

It’s not at all clear what the voting is so I don’t think that’s a good measure