To think people romanticise the baby / toddler years

[Maybeiamagrump]

‘The days are long but the years are short.’

’I would give anything to go back.’

and so on.

And I do get it. I’ve had lovely, golden moments. But they have been moments and the days are hard going, and so are the nights.

I have broken nights as the baby doesn’t sleep through. Then the toddler wakes early. During the day someone constantly needs me, the baby cries, the toddler asks me what I’m doing x 100000 times every minute (conversation literally is ‘what you doing mummy?’ ‘I’m sweeping the mess you made floor darling.’ ‘What you doing mummy?’ X 10.)

Illness, we’ve just come out of a bout of illness which saw me have to go to out of hours with an unwell toddler in the evening. Horrible.

Mess, weaning baby, egg on the floor, sweetcorn under the chair, fish behind the TV three times a day!

Crying, snot, tantrums, getting sucked into pointless arguments (yes I know you want to play with that knife but you can’t.) Poo accidents, managing naps (baby) while the older one is so noisy. Toys everywhere, mess, no time to get stuff done.

We do actually get out a lot and it looks like we’re having so much fun and they are, I think they are anyway, and they are lovely children. Equally though I am looking forward to them growing and having some more time for me, to just breathe. AIBU to think a lot of people romanticise this time? I know I probably will one day too!

I found having a newborn really really difficult and a huge shock, but loved the toddler years and love having a young child now (7)
Think I will miss these days when he's grown and moved out but I'll wish to go back to the young child era, not the baby days.

The lack of sleep is so hard, but I have truly absolutely loved having a little baby and now a toddler. It sounds sad but I genuinely feel like this is what I've been heading towards all my life, what I have been waiting for - even though I never felt like that before having her. Like, I wasn't someone who lived for the day I had a child, it was just something I saw in my future, but causally.

She I has never ever slept through the night, she is 18 months now, but I genuinely love it so much.

BUT I do work and she goes to nursery/grandparents 4 days a week, which is easier than mat leave obviously. Maybe my thoughts would be different if we were together 24/7 now like we were when she was tiny 🥹

I never loved having babies, and yet I have 4 children. With 1, I made all the mistakes and felt like the misery would go on forever (had no reference point that it wouldn’t). With 2, I made life harder by not taking the easy wins (sleeping on me!) and fighting every battle I didn’t enjoy later on with 1.
When it came to 3, I loved being a mum. Learned all my mistakes, learned the battles that weren’t worth fighting, could just enjoy it. Absolutely, the days were long but the years weren’t. Got it then. My 4th is now 2 - sad to not hold a scrunchy newborn again, that barely lasts weeks. Everything will be harder to say goodbye too, 10 years of changing nappies, what a change that will be.
I absolutely sleep trained every one by 6 months though, so that may change how I feel about it all! Do not deal with sleep deprivation well at all. Terrible 2s with the last one doesn’t seem as bad as when I was heavily pregnant / sleep deprived with a newborn last time round!

Also, I work 4 full days a week and love it. Wasn’t made to be a stay at home mum, for sure

I think it all comes down to sleep! If you have a child/children who sleep through the night fairly early on, then of course the whole baby/toddler phase of life is much much easier.

I’m only a few years in and am honestly pretty terrified of the day when they are hidden away in their rooms or out with their friends all the time. I will definitely look back on these early years as immensely happy ones!

I think we all look back and remember the best of things, as they get older you'll have different challenges and honestly it will get easier and also much harder in other ways so don't wish it away. Hindsight is a beautiful thing as they say x

Yes! God, the photos, I look so gone. Just dark eye bags and smiles that don't reach the eyes. It was survival for far too long! I had no memory so everything was in lists. If anything were to be achieved it had to be on the list. I was obsessive about the children, they always had everything, but I could walk to the shop 4 times and still not come out with the butter/milk/green beans I went in for.

Hope it's easier for you these days.

I'm in the toddler years for my first (and only) son but I've been a nanny for years and have watched these children go from babies to teenagers (some adults) and it does go brutally fast. I find parenting so so hard but I know already I will miss it! My son sleeps though. I may feel differently otherwise. The age he is now is my favourite age, always has been. The leaning new skills and language everyday.

as I can't do another two years without sleep

Only two years? And the rest, according to practically all my friends and family with young kids. 😂🙈

BUT imagine doing it all with one child for at least three years - the sleepless nights, the constant anxiety, the feeding, sterilising, constantly preparing and mainly cleaning up meals and snacks, tantrums, nappies, potty training… THEN having baby 2 to do it all over again when you’re coming out the other side with baby 1?! I can see the benefits of having them close together and not prolonging it over more years tbh - if possible. Yes, you’ve got the concentrated version, I know, but I really think it’d be preferable for me personally.

It is a wonderful time. Yes at times hard work but most of the time it was great. However mine did not have colic, i did not have post natal depression, i was SAHM for 2.5 years. Slept a lot, happy and done fun things such as lego building. I now have a teen and although yes still good times and there is more freedom am struggling quite a bit now. With various/constant problems. Mood, untidiness, school problems, arguing... ...

We deliberately planned to have both dc close in age as I always said, one I was done with nappies, i was done. True to my word we stayed at 2 because dh and I dithered about the possibility of dc3 for too long and reached my cut off. Probably not in the way I was expecting as although I was toilet training my youngest my eldest was still reliant on nappies.

The difference I and @Mojitowithelfreako were speaking of was having a baby/toddler with SEN and the difficulties that brings/the complete memory loss of the early years for survival of sanity.

I am sure that is another level of tiredness. I take my hat off to you.

@LongLostSock yep. I didn't know then that DD1 had autism or that I was ND too. So I was comparing myself to other 'on it' mums, and her to other NT babies. There's the environmental factors too, being in unstable housing, having a partner with addiction, no one in our household being able to drive, no money at all. I think these things do make a difference to how 'pleasant' you find the baby years.

Just to say that many of the things you mentioned as things to do in the early years are still things we have to do today. But it's more complicated now. And I still obviously have the youngest to consider and how it affects them.

Crikey lass, you had it all. I almost laugh at the forced interaction between mums because they gave birth around the same time. So many very different people coming together to basically gloat that Jessica ate her first rice cake or John said his first word at 6 months. I was fortunate enough to find my own tribe of mums with SEN kids and we celebrate the little bigs together at whatever age.

Absolutely. I was alluding to that when I said “at least three years” but tbh I was probably thinking up to about five in my mind, very generally and typically speaking of course. Totally appreciate it can/will go way beyond five as a parent of a child with additional needs. Yes, I’m sure thinking about the youngest is one of the hardest things - of the many - you have to contend with.

I think it's just that, in retrospect, you can see the whole picture. I DID love loads of being a parent of toddlers and babies but I also remember the days when I hid in the laundry room and cried my eyes out and just hoped they hadn't killed each other in the meantime. Plus a lot of people saying it now have teenage dickheads. So, horses for courses! 😁

It's because it's true the years are short. Before you know it your child is pulling away from you starting the enviable march toward adulthood and its heart wrenching. Eventually your child needs you less and less and though its wonderful to see them grow there is a massive space in life where they were which only gets bigger.

It's very difficult especially when they make mistakes you wish you could go back to when they were babies and you could keep them safe.

For me having little children was relentless and exhausting but some days I would go back in a minute. Having teens / young adults is a constant worry that you have no control over.

For me 6 - 10 were the golden years where they were independent enough to not need constant care but I still had full control over keeping them safe and cared for.

It drove me nuts when mine were little but know I get it.

Sorry, I'm being snippy. And I do personally agree with you. I'm glad I had my 2 before school runs and the like were a thing. We had no routine to stick to, if one was sleeping we could just let them sleep without time boundaries. If it was a bad night we could stay in pj's all day or in the bathtub until they became prunes. It has its advantages to have them close together.

I wonder if the SEN parent experience is different. My DD is beautiful and funny, but I really embrace any signs of her growing up, developmentally. Because she is still having tantrums/ meltdowns, still very clingy, still very dependent on me. I can't imagine her having a sleepover for example, I can't imagine her going to year six camp next year, I still can't leave her at birthday party's. So it doesn't feel that the years are going really fast, in terms of her behaviour, it feels like her peers are growing up quickly around her and she is staying still.

But you don't get it. That's no criticism and I know it is something that you think you will understand but everyone who says this to you has been where you are. Yes, absolutely some people are insensitive to how hard having tiny kids can be, but it doesn't stop it being true in many ways.

Sometimes people mean that even on the worst day, when they have screamed for hours, and you've had no sleep for days, there is that moment,when they fall asleep against you, or they are safe and warm in their bed but there will be a day when they aren't in their bed anymore, they are out in the world and you are hoping they, and everyone else around them has good judgement. It's the same baby to you though. Same for the problems you can solve with a cuddle, favourite toy, even at the worst, lots of screaming and tears.There will be problems that your kids face that you'd take the worst, worst day of toddler tantrums you'd do anything to make it that simple.

And sometimes it is just that those hard moments do just blend into one, and for many people what is left is those lovely memories. Those cuddles, quiet moments, little laughs, tiny hands. Sometimes people just want to share in the joy of babies..

there will be a day when they aren't in their bed anymore, they are out in the world and you are hoping they, and everyone else around them has good judgement

I think that I AM a grump as I read things like this and think well … yeah.

Does anyone actually wish their child could stunt in growth and remain a baby indefinitely so they can be ‘kept safe’? That isn’t healthy, to me.

Im in the baby/toddler years and every single moment is wonderful and magical.
Still nursing dd at 16 months too!

No, it's not that anyone wants to stunt their growth it's just that with their independence comes a lot more concern as you have no control or knowledge of where they go, what they do and you can't protect them from the bad of this world. It's the way it should be, they are their own person and they need to be free but it doesn't stop it being hard. As they get older you have to watch them go through hard things and learn tough lessons and you face it all in the hope that you do a good enough job to help them later on. All of it comes with worry, it's the price of love.