To think people romanticise the baby / toddler years

[Maybeiamagrump]

‘The days are long but the years are short.’

’I would give anything to go back.’

and so on.

And I do get it. I’ve had lovely, golden moments. But they have been moments and the days are hard going, and so are the nights.

I have broken nights as the baby doesn’t sleep through. Then the toddler wakes early. During the day someone constantly needs me, the baby cries, the toddler asks me what I’m doing x 100000 times every minute (conversation literally is ‘what you doing mummy?’ ‘I’m sweeping the mess you made floor darling.’ ‘What you doing mummy?’ X 10.)

Illness, we’ve just come out of a bout of illness which saw me have to go to out of hours with an unwell toddler in the evening. Horrible.

Mess, weaning baby, egg on the floor, sweetcorn under the chair, fish behind the TV three times a day!

Crying, snot, tantrums, getting sucked into pointless arguments (yes I know you want to play with that knife but you can’t.) Poo accidents, managing naps (baby) while the older one is so noisy. Toys everywhere, mess, no time to get stuff done.

We do actually get out a lot and it looks like we’re having so much fun and they are, I think they are anyway, and they are lovely children. Equally though I am looking forward to them growing and having some more time for me, to just breathe. AIBU to think a lot of people romanticise this time? I know I probably will one day too!

No I don't feel it's been romanticed.

I agree that the life with a newborn/toddler is hard, but it's precious!

I have miscarried 3x and the ones I have now (a stepson and a biological daughter) are the blessings of my life. I have raised my stepson since he was few months old and obviously my daughter since she was born. Both came with their own set of challenges but I loved and still love every moment with them❤️

I'm not fond of the baby stage, but I like the young toddler stage (before they can talk properly and never shut up😂).

That said, I also have a larger age gap (5 years) between my two, which has made it easier. Although my older one has lost out on some of my attention, which makes me feel guilty, they have been easily placated by extra screen time, new toys and endless praise about how wonderful they are with the little one. And since DC2 could toddle, DC2 just follows DC1 around when we're out and takes their lead, and DC1 rejoices in having a younger sibling in a way maybe a younger child with a smaller age gap might not. DC1 wanted a sibling for a while before DC2 arrived, and still views DC2 as a good thing, despite having to put up with being sidelined a lot.

Ours slept through within weeks. I think it happens for many people, but you feel cruel to say it. I think that makes it all easier. Early years was fun but I’m enjoying the mid-primary years they can do more themselves and make me laugh with their intellect. I miss them as babies knowing I’ll never get that back, but not that much. Suspect I’ll miss this stage more, but they keep getting better.

I'm in those years now with a 3 year old and 1 year old. Yes, some of it's hard but I'd slow down time if I could!

Babies and toddlers are crazy, funny, adorable little monsters and I'm sure this is going to be my favourite stage. I can't imagine enjoying the teen years as much... I feel like it will be harder to overlook the mess when there are no chubby little arms reaching up for a hug 🤷‍♀️

You'll love it honestly. They're just as vulnerable, just in a different way. And you can get them to go to the shop for you 😄

They are easy to romanticise when you have a grouchy teen or a school age child who is grouchy.

Personally, I hated the baby years. Probably doesn't help that half of my maternity leave coincided with the worst of lockdown. I know others who loved them, through- all those snuggles... to be fair to them, all that development and change happening at once is pretty amazing. Still wouldn't have another, though. I often think forgetting the drudgery is nature's way of making you have another kid (could be why I only have the one, and will stay at one😂).

I enjoy the pre and early school years most so far (DD is 4.5 and off to school in Sept), but I know others who don't. I like that they can answer back and are more independent, but still have that sweetness about them. I also love the weird and wonderful imagination.

I never enjoyed the toddler and baby years. They were bloody hard work.
DD was at the terrible 2's (awake for hours in the night, climbing on everything, pulling items out of cupboards, endless tantrums) as lockdown hit.
It was so hard!

Something changed when she turned 3 and I've enjoyed every day with her since.
But I never understood people getting upset that their baby was 6,9,12 months old. I was looking forward to mine growing up!
She's now 6. It's a cliche but the years really do pass fast. It doesn't seem like it when you are in the thick of it though!
If I could give birth to a 3 or 4 year old I'd have another 😂

Everything changes when they start sleeping through the night.
Hang in there, it will improve x

I rarely hear anyone romanticising them. It’s usually, yes, it can be difficult but the time goes fast, which it does.

I enjoy those years tbh and I knew they were going to be difficult before having children, BUT for me personally, they are way easier than the ages my sons are now 9 and 6. The oldest is autistic but there is almost a daily tantrum which can turn into a meltdown and it is going to be even more trying now that they are out of school for two weeks since it is a massive disruption in schedule for him. We book places for him at a holiday club for SEN children which he enjoys. He wasn’t like this whatsoever when he was a baby and toddler. I had both boys on my own while DH was at work for 10-12 hour days and doing night wakings and feeds with nearest family 2.5 hours away. We went all over with me pushing them around in the double pram, museums, outdoor play areas, parks, etc. I could go have lunch at a quiet time in a restaurant with them with no issues. I can’t do that now due to DS1’s needs because I will have to take him out for a walk if the restaurant gets too loud or something upsets him (he will dart off and is quite fast) so we don’t go to restaurants unless we have to or there is a play area. He’s a lovely boy, but when he is upset, he morph into a completely different child, it takes ages to get him calm and trying to maintain your own calm when you have a child who is trying to hurt you because you’ve said we can’t do xyz right now and doesn’t understand why, it’s a different type of tiring.

DS2 is sweet, likes to help, but also cheeky and easily distracted so we are constantly on him to do xyz in a timely manner. He is a competitive sort so we’ve been able to manage it and direct him better using this part of his personality.

DD1 is 5 mo and she is a bit harder (likes to be involved, see what is going on, be doing something, with me in sight)
than her brothers were as babies, but easier to know what she wants by going down a mental check-list. All things checked off and still grumpy, means she’s just sleepy. Happy, giggly baby overall though and I’m loving watching her learn, grow, work on crawling and seeing her interact with others and the world around her.

the toddler asks me what I’m doing x 100000 times every minute (conversation literally is ‘what you doing mummy?’ ‘I’m sweeping the mess you made floor darling.’ ‘What you doing mummy?’ X 10.)
I’ve learnt a trick for this one that stops it a lot! You ask them.

So when they ask ‘what you doing’ you say all nice and jolly ‘what am I doing [name]?’ Or ‘You know what I’m doing; what am I doing?’.

If they keep asking give them a follow up question afterwards eg ‘what are you doing?’ ‘Are you going to help?’ ‘Are you playing with your toys?’

I have a 5 year old and a baby. I genuinely enjoy my life so much right now, and I don't feel at all as though I am "in the trenches" or that things are really hard. It's lovely.

Not all babies are hard work, not everyone is particularly well suited to the baby stage, some people struggle more with lack of sleep than others, some people have outside pressures that make things more difficult. We don't all experience things the same way.

I tend to forget the stress of it when I think back. I was terrible when my oldesy was about 3 and my husband and I were on the fence about having another baby. things like the smell of certain laundry detergents would give me huge waves of nostalgia that would take my breath away. upon my daughter being born she wouldnt sleep alone, I dident sleep in my own bed for years! my husband certainly wouldnt look back on that fondly. then my youngest son, I get a bit sad when Im around 1 year olds because I miss him being that little and cute

You don’t realise you’ve gone through a golden age until you’ve gone through a golden age. Enjoy what you can. It’s tough going day-to-day and their needs of you will slowly change.

Mum of teens here and sometimes I sit and think ooh I miss them been little especially when new places open that my two are now to old for but then I have my niece who’s 8 month old and remember how difficult it is and so time consuming I also have our great niece who is 6 and I realise I miss certain parts of mine being little no one can honestly say they miss the sleepless nights or the illnesses I miss the days out and seeing their excited faces but I do not miss the constant demand of two small children it does get easier OP I know it doesn’t feel it now but take each day as it comes and don’t be stressing yourself so much that’s something I wish I knew back when mine were little.

True for me.

My DS is 6. Marriage broke down in the mean time and I wish a lot to go back to the baby and toddler years as I would have done a lot differently.

See this is similar to me . My girls were 12 and 9 when DS was born. However I found him a doddle when a baby/ toddler compared to the other 2.

Not sure if it was because DD1 was the non sleeping akward baby from hell or when I had DD2 I had a non sleeping stroppy 3 year old

By the time DD2 was 3 they both fought constantly.

DS also is much more laid back by nature. Suppose he's had to be as a good portion of his early life was fitting in around his sisters

As an introvert I've been enjoying the great swathes of me time that mat leave allows (aka only as much talking to other people as strictly necessary - baby doesn't count). And his sleep hasn't been too bad.

But people look at me like I'm saying that I don't love him when I say that I don't want another.

I think that I'm enjoying him more knowing that I don't have to do it again unless I personally change my mind.

I have a small age gap and it was the best thing we did, youngest is almost 1 and is now playing with the toddler that I can leave them playing to read stuff on Mumsnet or read my book (in the same room of course!).

The game changer was child care for me - we are paying through the nose for two but it makes such a huge difference to that personal time - the other day my DH and I took a half day and we were able to go to the cinema to see a film without the worry of paying £50 for a babysitter. When the baby was younger, having the toddler in nursery two days a week also allowed me to have some personal time with them. I was very happy to go into a bit of debt to make my life a little easier as new once I started working again I would slowly get that money back.

I'm exhausted, there are a lot of down days, but I am definitely a better mother for having that personal space carved out each day!

I absolutely loved every second and would do it all over again if I could. Loved being at home and having time to cook, bake, garden, play. Loved having the time to be able to go anywhere I wanted to with the children. Co-slept so we all slept very well. I was 25, so not too young and not too old. Definitely the best years of my life.

Now they're older, it's back to the daily grind and it's boring and miserable.

Partly it's nostalgia for the energy I had as a 30 something mum. I'm now 50, with two decades of multi tasking, weight gain and insufficient time for exercise. I miss the freshness I brought to the early years. I'm not keen on being a grandparent, feel too exhausted to bring any commitment not the level I did with my own children.

It's so completely dependent on the personality & temperament of the children involved that it's not really possible to answer your question.

I can think of three couples I know well who had such a wonderful time with their first children throughout the baby / toddler years that I'm sure they'd be happy to relive that time again. I'm sure having an easy going, happy preschool children who sleep well and can be taken anywhere without too much fuss is genuinely lovely.

These same couples have gone on to have second children who have been very different to their first and they are now genuinely desperate to see the back of the younger years. Two of them say that if this was their first child they wouldn't have been able to put themselves through it for a second time.

I dont think its understood well just how massive the disparity is in terms of how much more difficult (and potentially soul destroying!) it is to parent children of any age who don't have an "easy" temperament. I suspect many of the people who love the younger years had a pretty easy time of it comparatively to be honest & it's not just rose-tinted specs...

I found the baby/toddler years utterly exhausting, but also enjoyable most of the time. And I’m absolutely guilty of romanticising those years. It’s impossible not to.

I’ve got an 18 year old and a 15 year old now, and life is so very different. They do their own thing, older one comes home drunk, he wants to borrow my car all the time (not when drunk obviously!), they shut their bedroom doors and play Xbox, they swear, they want to stay up later than me. Their friends are more important than me. I’m just their boring old Mum. Of course they love me and we have some wonderful times together still (holidays, football matches, Easter egg hunt today!), but those magical days of trips to farm parks and model railways are a distant memory. And I get misty-eyed when I think about it.

I was recently trying to think what the “best” years are. I reckon the second half of primary school - maybe age 7-10. They’re old enough to sleep (unless ill), and not need constant supervision, but they’re young enough to still be sweet and family orientated.

I miss the baby/toddler years, but I wouldn’t go back there if you paid me!!

I LOVED the baby and toddler years. I’m finding the teen and early adult years much harder.

Maybe they romanticise it because they enjoyed it?! We don't all have to have the same view of things.

I've been a nanny to babies and toddlers for a decade. I'm not naive to how stubborn and messy they can be and how monotonous the days can be when they just ask the same questions over and over and want to play the same game with the same script for the 180th time.

But I found the newborn stage so very easy. My baby just wanted milk and sleep and I could put him in a sling and do the minimal amount of housework.

He's 7mths now and entertaining him when he can communicate so little is tough but I'm still really enjoying it. So yeah, when he's an adult I will look back on it with genuine fondness.

It's not romanticising it. I've genuinely never been happier 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi OP, mine are 6 and 3 and I'm 43 yo. I feel like we've turned a corner in the past year now that the little one is old enough not to need constant "eyes in the back of my head" watching in case he's eating/breaking/climbing something he shouldn't be...

They play together beautifully, they are adorable together and so affectionate, and I get to switch off a tiny bit and reclaim a tiny bit of time for myself...

When they were 5 and 2 I felt so burnt out and 'tank was empty'... It's much better now and we are out of the other side of the baby and toddler tunnel.

I'm not expecting 100% sunshine and roses, obviously; I have friends with depressed and school-avoidant teens who are having a really rough go... But for me thus far the baby bit was the toughest and it's improved massively now, I hope you'll find the same and turn the corner soon. Best of luck and all solidarity to you

YANBU, at all. Sick of all the smug rose tinted comments from people well past the gruelling ‘no sleep’ phase.

One poor lady posted desperately in our local mum Facebook group because her baby and toddler were between them waking every half an hour, she sounded absolutely on her knees. One absolute moron replied ‘Make the most of the snuggles mama, mine are teens now and I wish I had made the most of it rather than complaining about being tired’.