To consider having a child without a partner

[RegretMisery]

To think having a male partner and a child is more like raising two children than being an equal partnership? Having a husband seems like more hassle than it's worth.

My husband is a wonderful father. He is so hands on, but also 'brain on'. The mental load isn't all on me. He listens to parenting podcasts and has lots of ideas in terms of the skills and characteristics he wants to teach our kids. He thinks about their diet and is always coming up with ways to get more fruit into them! He keeps on top of their homework, reading, etc. He reads up on stuff and is very affectionate, loving, caring and encouraging with our children.

He demonstrates how to be a good husband too, showing all our kids, male and female, how to treat a wife and how a wife should be treated. He respects me, and they see it lived out in our marriage. Sometimes I'm utterly exhausted, and he takes over. Vice versa. Sometimes I can't think or I don't know what to do for the best With a parenting dilemma. That can be so stressful when parenting. He comes along and we talk it through and make a plan. In moments like that, I really feel his parenting and I can just take a huge sigh of relief.

He is a good man, in terms of all of those old fashioned terms like hardworking, honest, fair, just, kind but also decisive and firm. I'm saying all this because people don't tend to come on mumsnet to say how great their husbands are. On the whole, mine is. He is an absolute treasure and our children are beyond blessed to be his. I know he would die for them, walk to the ends of the earth for them, do anything for our family. The thought of them just having me feels less rich, and I do my best as a mother, for sure.

I've never been a single parent, but I find it hard to do a really good job even with a very attentive hands on husband. I can't even imagine what it would be like. I would personally never deliberately bring a child into the world without a father figure. Things happen, relationships end and tragedies happen sadly, but I would never deliberately engineer a situation where a child only had one parent. I'm not even talking about a separated parents kind of set up where there was a father on the scene, but to just not have a father in your life at all because your mother chose that for you before you were conceived is not something I would do. I have my own specific family situation growing up which has informed this decision.

As an aside, OP, you do sound distressed and that you're not currently in a good headspace to proceed with having a baby at all.

I can't believe this. ( well I can actually, the selfishness is astonishing)

Emotionally I could make a plea:
Why would you willfully and purposefully deprive a child of a father, of half of who they are? To have them forever wonder where they came from, where they got their nose from? Is my stubbornness from my dad? My ball sense? My humour? To leave them with a gaping hole where 50% of their DNA is.

But lets look at facts.

1. Kids from a 2-parent household do better in almost all metrics. Think behavioural, emotional, social, academics, you name it.
2. Fathers play a crucial part in children's development and lives. Kids from a fatherless home are many more times as likely to fail a grade, go to prison, fall pregnant as a teen, be in an abusive relationship, display anti-social behaviour etc. {There are already so many fatherless children (or kids without a good father, I don't know why you would purposefully choose this hardship for your child)

Uhh also, this is such a sexist post. People hate it when we say "what if you turned this around" but it is true. "AIBU to think woman are more hassle than they are worth? They bitch, they moan, they're hormonal, they have every excuse in the book not to have sex and then blame their husbands for it... I could go on. How about I just sleep around and never marry? What do they bring to the table anyway?"
It's blatant generilisation and also very untrue. And this is going to sound rude, but your post also begs the question;" What is wrong with you that you cannot attract a good husband?" I have one, I have a father, grandfathers, brothers, cousins, nephews, brother's in law, friends etc who are all excellent fathers and husbands. So does many women on mumsnet. So to think a partner is more hassle than they are worth? What is your circle like that yo think that? And unfortunately circles back to the crux of the matter. Did you have a good father? If so, then you must know how crucial and important and fun and lovely they are to have around. And if not, do you want your daughter or son to have the same hangups about men that your absent father left you with?

orangesareorangey It's very telling how the anti people tend to focus on the child and the "you go girl!" posters only talk about the adult. "I knew a woman who did this and she has no regrets! She's amazing! I'm not mentioning the impact on the kid because they are just a prop in her life!"

'What's wrong with you that you can't attract a good husband'

You can't be serious

I think it's wrong to deliberately bring a fatherless child into the world (see my previous posts)
But, your comment "what is wrong with you that you can't attract a good husband" is very unkind, thoughtless and totally unnecessary.
OP is bereft.
Why on Earth would you write something like that. It's actually quite difficult to find a good husband! Harder the older you get.
I still think deliberate single motherhood is not right, but that's a separate issue.

I hear you and concede that it was an unkind comment. I think I was trying to say that it takes two to tango. Sort of what comes around, goes around. You have to be a good partner to get a good partner. I find the whole generilisation of men being xyz harmful to boys and society. And I sort of wanted to ask a more rhetorical question since many women do have good husbands. Anyway, I agree that I could have left out that part and still make a point. Thank you for speaking up. ( as i side note, i hadn't read all of OP's updates, so didn't realise she is grieving)

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time OP. I wonder if some therapy might help? I think having a child on your own is incredibly tough but absolutely fine for you and the child if done so for good reasons (running out of time and no partner), but I'm not sure it's possible to raise a child right when you're in such a bad place that you feel hatred towards all other humans. For a start, your child would be another human.

If you have money, could you freeze some eggs while you're working on your mental health? If not, maybe set aside this question while you work on yourself, holding onto hope that you can be one of the many older mums once you're out the other side?

I know so many people who have been fucked up by parents who just needed therapy, and having a child is one of the hardest things a person can do emotionally speaking, so I would really advise against taking this route now. If money is an issue, speak to your GP and get googling because there are many ways of getting mental health support for free if the situation is very serious, and it sounds like you would qualify.

If you can heal from your trauma and have a positive outlook on relationships in general (not just romantic), then yes choosing to be a single mother isn't unreasonable. Unfortunately the attitude you have expressed in this post and comments would be detrimental to your child's ability to form healthy friendships and relationships. Those are things that need to be modeled.

I personally have an amazingly supportive partner and he is definitely an equal parent. My life would be significantly more difficult if I was single with kids and my kids wouldn't be as well cared for. It is quite a hard life to live unless you make a lot of money. I do not care for my partner like a child, we support each other and have our designated roles/tasks in the household that we are both happy with. Being together makes much less work for both of us.

I was a nanny for a woman that never married (I don't know the reasons) and she chose to adopt a baby girl. Even though she was single she had many lasting friendships and a healthy social life. The child was well cared for and showered with love from all her friends. Her daughter will grow up to be well adjusted and be able to find fulfilling social relationships.

I think you first need to find fulfilling social relationships, they don't need to be romantic but it is a need all humans have. It is still a need even if life has used relationships as a source of pain and trauma. Address the trauma

I don’t know anyone who considered donor conception without listening to donor conceived people and thinking long and hard about the impact using a donor would have. You’re just making things up to be angry about now.

I didn't mention people who use sperm donors. Don't make things up to get angry about.

You're right. What is the point of men I only work 12 hours a day 3am-3pm provide fully financially and with everything else that goes into having a daughter. I love my daughter to the moon and back and seeing these posts shaming men in general is very shallow. You seem entitled and arrogant so I think you was just hoping for everyone to say YNBU to confirm your own hatred towards men. Coming from a man who's suffered SA at the hands of my mother but I couldn't be more grateful for my father.

Wow, some of the comments are... Angry.

It's mumsnet, what do you expect. Mumsnet can often be an angry and hateful place but sometimes a place of help and comfort.

Not all men are bad and some are better Dads, than women are mums, I've come across some great dads bringing up kids on their own for various reasons my brother in law for one after my sister in law died young.
Don't write off having a man in your life to share kids with. We all have our faults, I find men do quite often get slagged off ,I stopped watching Loose women as It seemed such an anti men show. There does seem to be alot of useless men on Mums net which is enough to put most of us off having a man.
Just test water before jumping in to have a kid with someone Having a bloke is generally better than not. All the best 🍀

It’s important for children of either gender to have supportive and attentive parents / or parent.

considering searching on Google scholar for some peer reviewed literature on this matter.

the old ‘kids need a father figure or they’ll be screwed ‘ studies have been largely debunked .

life trajectories for children to single mothers, taking into account factors like socio economic status are pretty much the same as those with 2 parents.

I think it’s a very selfish choice that prioritises your wishes over that of your child.

If you want it badly enough then crack on, but don’t kid yourself that it’s not incredibly selfish.

Only if you pick a duff partner. I am childfree by choice, but I know a lot of couples with kids and all the dads are hands on, involved dads. The deadbeats you read about on this site aren't representative of the general population, I'm happy to say. I also don't think that you should deliberately set out to be a single parent, it isn't really fair on the child. Fair enough if something happens that renders you single, but it isn't an ideal situation and it is selfish imo to deliberately deprive a child of a father.

I'm the same. I honestly think that women on here are NOT representative of life in general. I just don't know any men who are as awful as the men complained about on here seem to be.

That's a terribly sad story and also why it is very selfish to have children alone as some sort of screwed up experiment. Children are people, not props in their parents' life. Grow up, get real, and don't have children if you don't have a decent partner. Also, ask yourself what you bring to the table. It isn't just men who are inadequate at times, plenty of women could do a lot better.

As a general rule, children do better with two parents than one, for a whole host of reasons.

Obviously if one of those parents is abusive, or it is a high conflict relationship/ marriage, then that is different.

But studies show that generally, having two parents in a low conflict partnership is the best setup. Doesn't matter if it's male, female etc. But two is better than one, as long as they are not fighting or abusive.

YANBU to consider it if you are getting older, want children, and haven't found a partner - but it's not the ideal. If you're young, wait and see if you meet someone.

lol. I just encouraged a girlfriend to try really hard to be gay. REALLY hard.

Anyway. You want a baby and no man then do it!

there are def excellent men out there. There are also overgrown children (ya know the 50 yo that acts 16) that expect you to be their momma and woman (nope! Too much turned off!).

so yeah. Do it! Join a single mum group, create your village. Or re-think your taste in men. But I do find the god ones were taken young, and divorced come with their own problems!

good luck, I’m sure you’ll rock it.

I think if you have good support around you, and the financial means, go for it. A lot of men are selfish and you could have a child with someone, but still end up alone. I see lots of parents married or in relationships were they are doing absolutely everything anyway and most have another “man child” to look after. Children do well and thrive with one good parent. At least your child wouldn’t have to deal with “Daddy” leaving. Alot of
people have been left by their “perfect” Husbands. I’m not saying good men don’t exist but I think they are few and far between. Whether for cheating or that they just cannot cope with the responsibility of a child. My experience of pregnancy, it was nice to share the journey with ex partner, but in the long run we split up. When you split up with the Father of your child/children I think it takes your head away from parenting. I believe it’s easier to split up from someone who isn’t the child’s Father to start with.

Having grown up without a relationship to my dad and it really affecting me, I love the fact my children have a close relationship with their father (he's also an equal partner in parenting and in the house). He's very hands on and a great dad to our boys.
I do understand what you're saying though. Children are better off with no present father rather than a horrible / useless one.

A lot of men are selfish and you could have a child with someone, but still end up alone.

Most people are selfish.
Easy example..
I can afford a child, I want a child, I don't want a man just his semen. Isn't that selfish?

Of course you can still end up alone, even with a good man. A colleague of DH dropped dead getting ready for work leaving a wife with a young child and one on the way. Shit happens.

If OP wants a child fine, no need to rationalise it, just get on and do it.

i think despite relationships having ups and downs it’s about not settling and finding the right kind of person. Shared morals etc will help when times are tough. There is no such thing as perfect. I’m a single parent now but my children still benefit from the relationship they have with both of their parents. If I was single and hadn’t met anyone then I think going into parenting alone isn’t a bad option. Single parenting for me is tough sometimes but with babies it would be harder. Being unhappily married was a worse situation for me to be in. Positive male and female role models is ideal but it doesn’t always work like that!