To consider having a child without a partner

[RegretMisery]

To think having a male partner and a child is more like raising two children than being an equal partnership? Having a husband seems like more hassle than it's worth.

Plenry of people end up being a single parent through no choice of their own.
Go for it but be prepared to sacrifice your life for the next 20 years as you will be solely reaponsible emotionally and financially.

It's so hard with a partner who contributes. I can't imagine doing it alone. Especially if there were any health problems. Twins. So many variables.

Luck of the draw maybe? My Dsis is a single mum (had only child at 39) & my D nephew is now 7 and she finds it incredibly hard raising him alone. Both our parents are dead so she gets zero childcare ever. I'm 140 miles away. Maybe with strong family network it's manageable. Oh and my D nephew has SEN too. Extra hard work!

I credit my DH with being what made my time with my babies good and now means I look back on that time and feel I did a good job overall.

He supported me bfing, he said "she's a baby, you can't spoil her - she just wants to be with you, she's tiny" - and he did everything to help me and dd just relax and be together. So it was lovely.

As they've grown older he's been great at adapting and setting some boundaries as a dad should do. When I might have worried about them doing something, he's been there as a different perspective "don't smother them- they'll be fine!"

And as a different kind of parent - when he does the school run he helps them but he doesn't fuss over them like a hen like i can do. He expects them to get their brek and if their uniform is still in the dryer, they can find it themselves.

i do think women need a partner to help them if possible.

All men are not a nightmare! Just don’t marry an abusive controlling manchild. Have high standards and expectations from your partner. It’s very rare that you spend a few years with an intelligent supportive loving man who suddenly turns into a useless idiot as soon as you have kids.

Even a partner who is a bit rubbish with the kids but is out there earning a wage and financially supporting you is better than no partner.

My adult ds father has never really been around and contact is practically nothing. I can tell you he is scarred and damaged by this lack of care. If I could have seen the future I wouldn’t have had him. I was fine - my son isn’t.

If you are 100% that you want children and it's your only option then absolutely do it. One of my kids classmates is born by choice to a single mother and it was the best thing she ever did. She had turned 35 and knew she wouldn't have another chance. I'm not sure your age OP, but I would say that she wouldn't have considered it earlier as life and your perspective can change very quickly.

Sorry for your loss. 💐

How long has it been since he died? It seems like you are too deep in your grief to give yourself a chance to risk meeting someone you might like let alone love again.

If you have some years left in your fertility window, I would recommend you give yourself more time to come to terms with your loss, maybe seek bereavement counselling.

If you don't, then maybe having a child on your own is a choice to make, but I'd still think getting some support with the grief would be a first step.

I don’t think people bother to write about their brilliant partners, there wouldn’t be much of a point- what would people comment- awww that’s nice….

Mine is lovely, but what kind of support you get also depends on how well you communicate your needs and respect your partners needs. It doesn’t matter what gender your partner is you have to be a team and take good care of each other.

No problem having a kid on your own either though, you might have to do all the work but if you don’t have a good relationship it’s gotta be easier!

But you want your children to be happy and have their emotional needs met - and not to deliberately deprive them of a very important parent. Obviously some parents are awful, but that’s not the point.

Doesn't have to be a birth father though. My ds is a wonderful caring adult who has never met his BF (f choice).
I lived at home for a while and my amazing DF and big brother were amazing male role models for him.
Yrs later my now dh adopted him and we have a fantastic family x

Nothing wrong with that at al, many women have to do after a relationship breakdown but to bring a child into the world that will never have a chance of knowing a father or parental relatives is cruel and all about what the mother wants and nothing to do with what a child may need or feel. Many children that have no idea of their fathers name grow up feeling cheated of paternal family. They feel a great part of them is missing. But as long as the mother gets what she wants, what does it matter.

im obviously one of the ‘lucky’ ones because I wouldn’t have been able to get through my DS especially as a newborn, without my DP.

however, my own dad is a waste of space who I don’t see

nothing wrong with doing it alone but just make sure you have a lot of other family support around you because raising a baby 100% alone, no parents support etc, would be really difficult.

Be careful what you’re saying re ‘she was 35 and had no choice’
im 34, newly pregnant, and my midwife says they only ‘worry’ about you being older when you turn 40. It’s not as black and white as it’s all over at 35.

You are not going to get sensible opinions on mumsnet. A lot of posters here are so desperate to have a traditional nuclear family they will put up with anything to keep a man. It’s very sad.

Children need love, stability, and role models of both sexes. They don’t need a father. Children who grow up with one parent because the other one didn’t want to know or care enough to make the effort have much worse outcomes than the children of single people who made a positive decision to conceive and parent without a partner.

Not all men are useless. My husband is a wonderful partner and Father, who takes an equal role in parenting. I see a lot of man bashing on here and I understand that some men (and I’m sure women!) are terrible partners. But it’s important not to tar all with the same brush, many are wonderful people to build a family with. Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with going it alone either, you don’t need to wait for a man, or settle with one for the sake of it. If you are strong and independent and could make a lovely parent for a child, then go for it.

My XH is a good case in point, I think my DD would have had better mental health without him. My kids would have have a mum that wasn't half way broken too. I would have definitely gone it alone if I hadn't met XH and been better off and my kids been better off. Knew who my Dad was, but grew up mostly without him and would have been better to have grown up completely without him. There's lots of Mumsnetters with experiences like mine. Having two parents is no guarantee of a happy well adjusted kid. Id say go for it. Of course this isn't all men, but there's enough of the abusive or uninvolved ones to conclude that having a father who's around or known isn't always a good thing.

Many women plan children with unsuitable partners because they are desperate to have a baby. I don’t think that is any better than planning a baby alone.

Agree with this completely

I've never needed a husband, I raised my DS on my own. I was married later on after my DS left home and he was a pathetic manchild who changed as soon as the ring was on his finger.
I would never get married again. A live out boyfriend would be ok if I could be bothered.
But to raise a child on your own you need at the very least friends, preferably some family you can rely on and a really good job.
Either that or happy to live on benefits and not work until your child goes to school.
You have to cost everything very carefully, especially childcare which is very expensive.

I love being a single parent to my two. I adore it. They do have a dad and he's great - but not a great partner - so it's a bit of a different situation. I wouldn't miss out on kids just because of no partner.

Many boys being raised without a good male role model, can see how that is going to pan out

Most of them with known fathers, come on.

Also, try telling that to boys with two mums and see how you get on.

Many people raise a child without a partner, but its important that you have a good support network, and think of who will help out if you get sick/go into hospital/ if you need a c section etc. Do you have a brother who is happy to be a male role model?

Also the financial side of things - if you have significant savings, a good maternity package from work (we relied on my husbands salary for me to take a year off), can afford nurseries fees and all your bills from just your salary?

Would adoption be something you would consider? My friend just never met the right man, and made choice to adopt instead - not right for everyone of course, but just a thought

@AllPrincessAnneshorses children with 2 mums should still know who their dad is, they have the right to know their genetic background