To consider having a child without a partner

[RegretMisery]

To think having a male partner and a child is more like raising two children than being an equal partnership? Having a husband seems like more hassle than it's worth.

YANBU. This comic sums it up.
Obviously some dads are great. But quite a lot just pretend to be great until the baby actually comes.

Good fathers are great and I wouldn’t be without mine. In fact, my dad passed away when I was young, so my current dad is actually my stepdad, but he graduated from that title many moons ago.

I’m also a single parent, but my ex and my daughter have a wonderful relationship. Knowing how much I appreciate my dad, I’m glad she gets to have that with hers too.

Maybe you have just been with the wrong men OP? I know it’s not popular to praise men here but I genuinely don’t know what I’d do without my husband and I hope I never have to find out!

Parenting is extremely difficult. Yes having a baby alone is easier than with a useless partner but the two best options are a) have a baby with someone great or b) don't have a baby.

Would you now 🙄

And what’s your relationship like with your own dad OP?

I couldn’t do it alone and I am lucky that my husband is hands on and great with the kids. Things aren’t perfect (both ways).
When the kids are ill we can share the days off work to cover.
If either of us want to meet up with friends we have the means to just leave the other with the kids and go out stress free.
I have someone there to talk through all the mundane gripes in life and vice versa.

however, there’s also the extended support network. My girls have grandparents, an auntie, cousins and family friends who are all there to support us. If you have a good support network then go for it.

I'm usually in support of women going the solo route. Especially so if they've done an assessment of their current realities and have worked out time is not on their side in so far as waiting for the right man and right set up to start a family, and or don't particularly even want a 'typical' relationship set up with mum, dad and 2.5 kids or whatever.

But I'd advise against fuelling this way of thinking with the idea all men are garbage and will weigh you down. Your thread seems to be looking for bias confirmation. In that if we are to accept there is nothing great about having a man in your life and having a family with him then that will somehow give credence that your choice to forgo a man is the best choice. It isn't and not all men are useless layabouts waiting for an opportunity to bring you down with an added dose of heartache for good measure. If you want to go it alone do it but do so fully in the knowledge it is one option from many possible options - all options have unique risk/rewards. Happiness is not guaranteed, but neither is pain and resentment.

Hear hear!

Of course this forum is going to give a skewed impression, as by its very nature, people are posting about their problems. My dh is not perfect, but he's pretty wonderful, kind, clever and funny. He cooks most evenings. He gets up with the toddler early every morning at the weekend, so I can catch up on sleep I've missed. This is our arrangement. I get up if the toddler needs me in the night, he gets up with him in the morning. This has continued after years of breastfeeding 4 children. He couldn't do much at night, but he does what he can at other times. We discuss any problems we have, and there is a lot of love in our house.

I'd also worry about the possibility of you having a male baby, if your opinion of men is so low.

If you want to have a child alone and think you are in a position to be able to successfully do so, then definitely go ahead if that's what you want. But don't do it on the basis of all men are awful because Mumsnet says so, because that's untrue and there are a lot of people with wonderful partners.

Just make sure you live long enough to see them through to adulthood. Second cousin of mine intentionally had a child on her own, unfortunately got cancer and died when he was 12. Grandparents weren't interested in taking him on, and were too old anyway, so he ended up with another family member. It didn't go well as he had massive anger issues, disrupted their family and was obsessed with finding his father, unsurprisingly.

He did eventually track him down - in Australia. As soon as he could, off he went to Australia. No idea if there was a happy ending as no one hears from him.

Once past the baby / toddler stage children may express a view you may not want to hear. Plenty of men are excellent fathers.

Wow that's really sad 😢 , and something people don't bother to consider.

Sorry, being really flippant here,

The whole donor thing reminds me of a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon where Calvin asks his dad where he came from and dad says they picked him out of Sears catalogue.

If its what you want, why not but remember you can't send it back if there are problems.

i mean its fine if thats what you want! but i personally love having kids with someone so I can take a break whenever i need one, go away with friends child free - go on a night out whenever I feel like it!

If i was on my own I couldn't do that!

And to hell with the child's needs.

If I'd have had a baby with my late partner, social services would have tried to take them.

My DH is most definitely not a waste of space. Our third DC is 3do and he has done as much as he can. He looked after me and advocated for me during my traumatic delivery and emergency C-section. I’m BFing but he’s doing everything else that he can for him (nappies, outfit changes, washing…). He stayed with me through our extended hospital stay to make sure we were both ok and looked after. He did the same for our eldest two when they were born. Since we’ve been home, he’s been the default parent for them whilst I have rested or been feeding.

Do I think my DH is a saint for doing these things? No. He’s parenting our children equally. If you want to have a baby, go for it. Assuming all men will bring nothing to it is not fair. There are lots of useless men but not all of them.

This. I absolutely could not have parented alone.What happens if something goes wrong? One of my DC has a chronic illness due to which I had to work part time. I definitely could not support the whole family.

DH is by no means perfect but he pulls his weight and is absolutely not a waste of space. I have never posted about that though. Why would I?

I am also a bit 🙄about how your future DS will turn out fantastic unlike all the other men. The road to parenting hell is paved with good intentions! We all try our best but we can't be sure of the outcome.

So you are someone that has been in a very bad relationship so your views are jaded by that. I am in a very good relationship, only bad patch was when DD died and to be honest I went a bit crackers with grief and that was on me.

Of all my friend and sisters and we are in our fifties and sixties I would say 1/3 have very successful long term partners or husbands. A 1/3 have had a bad experience from mild to bad and 1/3 have just never found anyone ok so just gave up.

So you need to ask yourself why you even contemplated being with a man that meant SS would be involved. Or was everything hidden at the start.

No, I absolutely would not have found it easier to have a child without my dh. He's been very much an equal partner in this whole parenting business.

Could I have managed it, with a good hit to my quality of life and my career? Sure. Lots of single parents do it. But it would have been a struggle and I'd be much worse off financially and my dc would have less quality time with me and less opportunities as a result.

The drug used was downplayed by him and those around him massively to being a sniff at the weekend and he told me he would stop every time I caught him, by which time I was already involved with him very deeply.

You mean to say that your daughter died? That is so terrible, I am so sorry.

You're making a huge generalisation op. Sure there are plenty of shit husbands and fathers but lots of good / amazing ones too.

Unpopular to say perhaps, but children need a dad. I also think raising a child by urself must be extremely difficult.

Also op when you say 'consider having a baby without a partner' do you mean ivf / donor sperm? One of my closest friends has done that and while they are a very happy mum and baby unit, it does have its challenges. For example the child has half siblings all over the world and that is likely to be a real head fuck when she is older. There will be lots of difficult questions to answer and Father's Day at school will be probably really tough for the child. Nothing is perfect.

I say go for it. Children need love in their lives and you can provide that. It would also help if you have good support around you. Best of luck x