So I’ve not read the full thread yet as I only
made it this far before feeling compelled
to comment.
This response of yours is infuriatingly selfish. Yes, your life might be easier without a partner. What you seem unable to comprehend is that your child’s life - if/when you have them - is infinitely more important than yours. The weight of your decisions and how it will affect them is a heavy one, and if you can’t see beyond your own nose far enough to realise that then I think you’re not ready to be a parent, single-handedly or otherwise.
I am a lone parent. Fell pregnant through sheer irresponsibility and decided to continue with the pregnancy because it was what I wanted to do. Absolutely rightly because that is my choice. The father is an indisputable waste of flesh; not a bad man, but sufficiently useless to question why some people continue to exist while others fall victim to tragedy. While having a child has no doubt been the very best thing I’ve ever done, and we are both so so happy, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel terrible that he doesn’t have another decent, solid parent in his life.
My child is a whole person, he deserves everything, but I believe there is a void in his life, a father-shaped void, that I just can’t fill. I will, of course, be open and honest (in an age-appropriate way) when he is old enough to question these things. As will I be supportive if his ‘father’ ever comes back around, or if my child chooses to look for him. Because I think even the best of single parents can’t make up for the absence of their other parent. Our parents, even the shit ones, shape our lives, our identity. Our sense of belonging. And you would be intentionally denying your child that piece of themselves.
More than that though, being a single parent is at times very tough. Not just the stuff we all know about (money, making important decisions, never having someone else to take over) but smaller things too. For example, when my child started to talk I suddenly became really aware that there are sometimes entire days that pass when he doesn’t see me talking to anyone. He doesn’t have that experience to reflect on to inform his learning. He also doesn’t have that first-hand experience of seeing what a good, healthy relationship looks like. The kind of things you really need another person round often, regularly for him to learn from. Or an adult male role model in our house to show him things that I can’t. I don’t mean the stereotypical male stuff like putting up a shelf because mummy most definitely can do that, more stuff that are just restricted to men or men do better. Having a wee standing up, or that really physical kind of play (rough and tumble) that mums can emulate but just can’t do
to the same degree, for example. Or just someone else to love him somewhere nearly as much as you do. These are just some of the things I’ve noticed and think about and would ask that you consider too.
Like I’ve said, motherhood has been my greatest endeavour and I’ve never regretted it for myself. I also think that my child can and will grow to be a good, healthy man. I’ll do everything in my power to ensure it. But I think it’s important to acknowledge that not everything is in our control, and for some things that other parent (their father) just can’t be replaced.
Finally, I will throw in the very necessary caveat that lots of the above only
applies to the good men. One-parent families are always better than unhappy or abusive two-parent dynamics. But in your situation you should work harder to strive for a good one and to therefore give your child
the very best. Your needs and wants really aren’t what’s most important.