To consider having a child without a partner

[RegretMisery]

To think having a male partner and a child is more like raising two children than being an equal partnership? Having a husband seems like more hassle than it's worth.

So no, in which case i've got no chance at motherhood

its over for me

Hope you are okay, you seem to be going through some big things at the moment.

Do you have a good support system around you - family/friends? I think you sre underestimating how hard/relentless it will be but it's definitely doable.

no

Is that a "no" to having a good support system?

How old are you? Could you look into fostering in the meantime whilst you build a network?

I hate other people also would not be willing to make my child someone else's problem as they didn't choose to have it. Mum has had her 4 kids and is working very long hours wouldn't be fair to try and make her babysit

A support system isn't about who can babysit, it's about supporting you - e.g. when you are up 4 times a night feeding, a support system would pop over and wash your bottles for you (for example).

It's about having someone on the end of the phone to cry to because baby was up 3 times in the night / is teething / is having nightmares who will commiserate and join you for a coffee in town.

It's about building a network of acquaintances who will join you for some adult conversation after toddler group etc

And yes, who could look after your child if you were sick/needed to go to the dentist/even just get your hair cut.

If you are doing this alone you will need help paid or otherwise x

It's not about babysitters, I slipped a disc in the summer holidays and couldn't even walk without being in complete agony let alone look after my children thank god they are older now and not babies or toddlers as they had to fend for themselves for about a week as I couldn't, it's about things like that. It would have been lovely to have someone who could come and take them out as they were trapped in the house for a week. Crazy that you think parenting alone with no support network would be easier than with a partner, I actually thought you had tons of support hence thinking it may be easier on your own but go on to say you will have zero support.

You would hope so. Personally I wouldn’t but stranger things have happened .

I don’t see anything wrong with a woman rearing a child alone.

Parenting is hard enough, and while it will be fine for you to go it alone, not so much for your DC.

Children need two parents, and they do miss out if either of them are not there, so to go the single parent route intentionally isn't a choice I would make (full disclosure I am a single parent whose EXDP sees the DC EOW plus school holidays).

Nobody sets out to raise their son to be a bad man

Yours, perhaps.

OP, I'm so very sympathetic. It's so hard to desperately want to be a mum, and have circumstances prevent it (been there)
I know many wonderful single mums who do the best job they can. However, I've got to be absolutely honest and say, that, even so, I personally think it isn't right to deliberately knowingly bring a fatherless child into the world, in my very humble opinion. If it ends up happening by accident it's one thing; but to knowingly do it, I just think it isn't fair. Ideally children need two parents. It's nature's design. Boys need good role models and girls need a good example of how men should treat women and girls. It's just such a gamble otherwise.
I very sincerely hope everything works out for you though x

OP is a widow, that was uncalled for.

Apologies, I only read your opening post.

I’m really sorry for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that was for you. My heart goes out to you.
I have to say I’m not mega keen on the idea of purposely setting out to have a child in a single parent situation but I equally don’t think it’s a terribly thing to do. Only you know what would be right for you. I will say though that not all men are shit, there’s good’uns out there… I know they’re not your husband, and so I expect, in comparison, they do all seem shit, but they’re not.

Having spent most of the last 20 years as a single parent, I can wholeheartedly say it’s shit. Would never recommend it. Genuinely good men are thin on the ground but if you can find one then that’s a much better option. I wish I’d had my DC with my partner of 4 years, he’s amazing and it would have been such a different experience with him.

I really do sympathise OP but I do think it worth considering your own attitudes towards other people. A support system isn't about a baby becoming someone else's "problem". It's about ensuring there are people there for advice, to guide you, to listen to you and yes help out if you're ill/tired etc. It's hard without having a baby just to grasp how difficult it is.

I also worry that you say "you hate other people". I don't necessarily think this is a healthy attitude to be bringing a child into. We're hardwired biologically to be sociable people. Babies, toddlers and children learn from their parents and by modelling positive relationships and socialisation is beneficial for them. I can't see how a child growing up with what it sounds like an isolated parent who hates other people and doesn't want to form bonds or relationships with anyone else would be beneficial for the child and help their emotional development.

Haven't always hated other people. DP's death just made me realise he was the only person on earth I truly loved, liked, admired and respected.

Having a child alone is preferable to having a child in an unhappy relationship absolutely, and likely something I'd have considered if I hadn't met someone, but I don't think anything can beat having children in a happy relationship. It's easier and more fun for the parents, and I do believe better for the child overall.

I suppose your age is the critical factor here, but if you're not in a rush, I would wait to meet someone. Yes there are a lot of threads on here about difficult relationships, but you'll find a lot from struggling single parents too.

@RegretMisery I’m sorry for your loss, but I don’t think you are in the right space to have a child (regardless of any morality argument)

I don't enough about your situation and I'm sorry for your loss but I agree you're not in the right headspace to have a baby.

Statements like social services would have tried to take your baby if you had one with your late partner are worrying, hating all men and people and closing yourself to any sort of support network is not a healthy environment to bring a baby into. I think give yourself time and space to heal and work through your grief before considering a child.

I know people who've done this (and one ended up with twins). Honestly, I'd only consider it if I had a lot of very supportive family very close by. As the child gets older some things would get easier but babies and young children are very intense. Not to mention the cost of childcare on a single wage.

Ideally there are multiple adults supporting the parent and child, from my expefience raising them is hard and the more pairs of hands the better, but thats not always possible and people still turn out fine. It will be much easier with a good man, and harder with a selfish or horrible one. So it really depends on the person. Sh't partners can still be amazing dads, children of sibgle parents can grow up to be happy and successful, a happy 2 adult, 2 kids nuclear family can fall apart, some people meet the love of their lives at 15 and stay married until death. I dont think there is one ultimately better set up.