To consider having a child without a partner

[RegretMisery]

To think having a male partner and a child is more like raising two children than being an equal partnership? Having a husband seems like more hassle than it's worth.

I know a woman who did this at work. She’s very successful career wise and seems very happy with her decision. I get the point people make regarding the kids not having a Dad, but mine don’t t as he died and they seem fine. I’m blessed with a fantastic Dad and he has brought so much to my life. So there’s no straight answer I suppose.

I agree it’s not perfect, but it’s an improvement on the old way where donors were completely anonymous. Now you have tons of information, letters, pictures if they are European based.

As for a father figure, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that one of those can come in many forms.

Curious how you write as if growing up not knowing who you are or half your background is nothing. It's only 18 years of your life and your most formative years, after all.

I became a lone parent by choice, it was fine and I had a fairly easy ride, but then I had 14 months off work, with all but two on full pay, I was also able to go back to work part time without struggling financially, which makes a huge difference. I was also able to gain a space at a nursery next to my work, which reduced childcare even further and my employer allowed me to leave early rather than take my lunch hour. Not having to worry about money was a really significant thing in being content as a lone parent, as it significantly reduce my worries.

I’m now married and I now have two children, again, we’ve had a fairly easy ride, we both work part time, so we both get 1:1 time with the kids, but we also both get alone time etc on a fairly regular basis.

For me being a lone parent only had downsides if I was unwell as I had no one who could look after my son, then if he was ill a lot I had to take all the time off work, rather than sharing the time of equally with another parent. If I had worked fulltime it would have been harder as I simply would have had no time at all to myself once he was at school etc, and sometimes you need that for your own sanity. But we’re both men, so you’ll probably ignore that.

Brace yourself! Society makes no allowances or reasonable adjustments for the fact that you are parenting alone. You are expected to do the work of two people.

Can you afford to do it? What will you do round childcare? Have you looked at prices. At some stage you little one will be ill ie d & v / usual viruses, how will you manage work with an ill child at home?
Have you got lots of family support, if you're ill would your mum or dad help out? Do you ever need to work late? It nearly broke me running form drop off to work back to pick up, I spent my life in a constant rush, as dh worked away mon -fri, and it was the fact he took over at weekends that stopped me sinking.
Lots of women do manage on their own, but it's not easy, the early years are full on and absolutely exhausting. You won't have anytime to yourself and your baby / toddler / child will need to come first. Anyone can be a parent but a good parent has to be completely selfless, don't underestimate the skills needed to raise a well adapted, happy, loving child.
I couldn't have done it on my own, and I fully admire the women who do.

Define “not knowing who you are?”.

Not having contact doesn’t mean you know nothing about your background.

You also realise that a woman can have sex with a man, become impregnated with said man, who then disappears. With said child having nothing to do with his side, or knowing much at all. Or is it just donor conceived you have a problem with?

I have no contact with my father’s side of the family and minimal contact with him. I have a very strong family unit on my mums side. Traditional families really aren’t that common now.

You don’t have a husband/partner. So still have the luxury of getting one that is not a drain.

Having a baby with a partner who brings more to your life than he takes from it is infinitely better than going it alone. But going it alone is infinitely better than having a baby with a partner who drains you.

Honestly, I think I’m a good enough mum. But before having kids I thought I’d be a great mum (hollow laugh).

My DH isn’t perfect but without question my kids would suffer from the loss of his parenting combined with mine. He covers aspects of their education and security and mental health that I am not great at. I cover areas that he’s not great at. We are much better parents together than I could be on my own.

Okay you've convinced me, I won't do it.

Sadly I lost my very young partner to a sudden, accidental ans tragic death.

The thought of being with someone other than my beloved soulmate is quite repellant to me.

God, I would do anything for him back. Anything.

It definitely CAN be like that although usually the man is earning money and bringing that into the family that the whole family benefit from, even if they're not doing anything else useful at all. Please before anyone jumps on that, a) I did say 'usually' and b) I'm not at all trying to imply that's acceptable or 'enough'. I'm just pointing out it's something another child definitely doesn't bring to a family that a male partner usually does.

Anyway, it absolutely doesn't HAVE to be as you've described. I dunno how I'd look after my two or afford them on my own. My DH is fantastic, he's my best friend, a brilliant husband and a loving dad to our kids. We definitely are a team and share things pretty equally between us. I feel blessed to have him.

I know two people who have done this in their late 30s when they had not met a partner and they are both very happy. While it’s tough being a single parent I personally don’t see the issue as lots of people end up as single parents anyway even if the baby was planned with a partner.

They are happy because they got what they wanted but will the children be happy when they are old enough to know how they came to be?

Are the children who have known absent fathers or useless ones anymore happy than these children ?

It is definitely possible for a woman to successfully raise a child alone, and that would be preferable to raising them with an abusive or neglectful father. Ideally, though, I believe it's best for a child to have two loving parents and even better if those parents love and respect each other too.

But if this is your attitude towards men in general, then I don't believe you would be a good mother, either to a boy or a girl. I think you need to work on your anger/bitterness and get to a better emotional place first for the child's sake.

I think it’s fine to have a child alone. Of course the child may want to know their biological father when they are old enough though?

Most of my childhood memories are of my parents arguing or having to listen to each of them telling me how awful the other is. My dad worked a lot to stay out of my mothers way (I think) and my mum didn’t parent us much as she was too busy moaning about my dad not being there.

Raising a child alone would mean they get all of your attention, there will be no conflict in parenting styles, no risk of your child having to cope with their parents arguing or divorcing.

The only down side is that there will only be one parents income to support them? Raising a child can be very costly, will you be able to provide everything for them on your wage? Have you got a good support network if anything happened to you and you needed help?

What a selfish idea. Your child will hate you for it. Don't do it.

I think that's quite harsh in light of my situation

Single parent is bloody hard, one income, no one to emotionally, physically, emotionally to do, but it’s so so much easier than when I was married to an abusive arsehole who wasn’t abusive until I had children. Looking back it doesn’t matter really, my friend had a loving and fab husband / together since age 15- he died horrifically when she was 38 and they had two small children. You can predict.

I really don’t agree with your pov OP. But, you don’t need to justify your decision to have a baby alone. If that’s what you want to do, you have the right to do so

I think if you want to have a baby yourself that's fine and up to you. I know plenty that have done it and been fine.

I wouldn't use mumsnet as an indicator of the male population. Both my own dad and husband were very hands on fathers and shared the load equally. My husband did his share of nights when working and my mum said the same of my dad. My father in law was the same and plenty of my friends are the same with their partners/husbands. I've absolutely no idea where your 90% of men being terrible statistic came from but its not reflected in mine or anyone else's reality.

@Helengreggregson but you would hope that you didn't plan to have a baby with absent or useless dad

No, i am sure they are not but that is no reason to bring a child into the world without a dad.

Harsh but true.

I wouldn't recommend it, unless you are in your late 30s and it is your only possiblity.