17 year old boys driving a car-full of mates

[95percentcocoa]

It’s dark and pouring with rain and past 9 pm. My 17 year old son is mad that I don’t want him getting picked up and getting driven around all evening by his 17 year old friend who has just passed his test this week in a car full of their mates.

It just seems like a recipe for disaster to me and would prefer he waits for a few weeks / drives him in daylight etc. He says I’m over anxious and paranoid. AIBU?

My parents were like this. They'd let me go out with friends in their van but would come and collect me at the end of the evening.

Looking back at my own early driving experiences I was a little unconsciously reckless and inexperienced.

A little annoying and embarrassing - but I can see their point.

I did similar for my, now adult, children. Dad's taxis ran at all hours of day and night.

One of my similarly aged friends said, the day after a 2am run, 'at least you know they are they are and are safe. '

It's hugely dangerous. The time of night and the weather is relevant.
I would go as far as giving him some money to go out with them another night. You can't stop him but you can strongly advise against it.

i missed this petition the first time and only saw it when quoted by another pp, so quoting again incase it’s helpful. I’ve signed it 👍 Dreading my boys facing this in a few years….

Of course normal to be worried but isn't this what kids do? When one drives they end up with carful of friends.

When our son gets his license, initially he will only be the car on the basis he is by himself until he gets more confident

That’s the problem. A carful of dead friends.
Only this week a friend’s son and his best mate lost their lives driving at night with friends.
Within a couple of miles of our house there are probably ten roadside memorials to young men killed I’m passing one as I type.

I'd rather my son looked alive and sad than dead or seriously injured. The son of a friend was killed in very similar circumstances, along with three other passengers in a car being driven by a 17 year old.

I didn't learn to drive until pretty late in life and was the opposite of the fearless, reckless teenager. Definitely cautious. And even so, I think back to the first year after I passed my test and how much of a learning curve it was. I was so aware that my driving lessons had taught me to pass the test, not to actually be a safe and competent driver. Which only comes with experience.

In those early months I didn't enjoy driving with other people in the car as they'd always want to chat and I really needed to focus on what I was doing. The thought of a daft teenage boy with a car full of other daft teenage boys in those first few months is just frightening.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/articles/c517rnryj04o
I think the documentary linked in this article should be compulsory viewing for all young drivers.

No you are not being unreasonable, I work for the police as a civi and it is horrifying how any young kids get killed by their friends who have just passed thier test. X

Although you’re definitely not being unreasonable in your concerns and fears, you are being unreasonable in expecting to have a say in his social life. At 17 he’s almost an adult. He shouldn’t have to ask permission to go out with his mates at 9pm

It's not a question of his "social life", it's a question of whether that social life involves driving round with new driver and a group of other teens.

But it doesn’t matter whether his social life revolves around going out with his mates in car, hanging out at the gym, chilling in his girlfriends bedroom. It’s irrelevant. He’s 17 and needs to be able to make his own decisions. Providing he isn’t doing something illegal then in reality his mum should expect a general idea of where he’s going and an approximate time he’ll be home, that’s it.

@AlwaysNonStop cute, but no, it's tough shit here, want your pretty car? Sky high insurance? Keep your wages for yourself? Then you follow our rules. Want to be an adult and set your own rules? Sure, I can't stop you, but you can be like an adult and fund it yourself. My son knows what he wants!

Listen, don’t for a second think I’m saying there shouldn’t be rules. You’re absolutely right on that. If you want your luxuries then you’ll abide by my rules BUT telling a 17 year old they aren’t allowed out with their mates at 9pm because it’s raining is very unreasonable. Would I want mine doing it? Ofcourse not, but where does it end? What about when he’s 18 and wants to go to a nightclub? Is that also too dangerous?

My mum stayed up until all hours probably worrying herself sick when we were out. We always let her know what time we’d be home or if we were staying out. She would stay up until we came in to see we were safe, right into our 20s and I fully expect to be doing the same with mine. You can’t hold your child back because of your fears

@AlwaysNonStop no one is saying they can't go out at 9pm (well I'm not, if someone else has that's not what I'm agreeing with) but alternative means of transport could be sought. Taxi for example, or public transport. It obviously depends on the individual situation, popping across town in 30mile zones in rain at 9pm is different to driving 2 hours on the motorway at night to get to a concert, the latter I would have no difficulty in setting some rules around.

No, not unreasonable. The little idiots fly around the country lanes near me. How people aren’t being killed every day I just don’t know. When I walk my dog I often see cars driven by grinning teenagers fly by at 50+ in a 30mph zone. You’ve got a deadly combination of speed, inexperience, the urge to show off AND and the constant distraction of their friends. I’m dreading the summer. All you hear all weekend is the screeching and exploding of souped-up boy racer cars. They do something to their exhausts so they sound like flippin fireworks going off. It wakes me up.

But anyway, no, I don’t think you are out of order. There is a girl in my street who has spent her life in a wheelchair after some idiot teenage boy crashed his car and she was thrown through the windscreen.

There’s a reason why we read and hear of regular tragedies involving lads (and lasses) in cars. Always too many in the car, often not wearing seatbelts, always about 17-20 and never driving slowly.

YANBU.

Much better him being sad than dead.

I worked in A and E. Road accident with 4-5 in one car, 2 of them died. The driver of the other car, who was responsible for the crash, had passed his test 2 weeks earlier. He was driving too fast with his friends in the car. He's got to live with that for the rest of his life. As have the surviving family in the other car.

This kind of thing is nothing new but YA absolutely not BU.

We've had a few round my way. I had a former pupil who raced another car late at night. He hit a lorry.

He was scalped, but survived. His passenger died.

There have been a few cases of young drivers and their passengers being killed on country roads round here. OP is perfectly correct.

YANBU - one teenager in a gang of mates passes his test and immediately the aforesaid pals think "free taxi!"

So the driver acquires a 'banger', held together by rust and string, they all pile in expecting chauffeur service, get silly and rowdy and urge the driver to take risks (especially if they clap eyes on a police car) and, sadly, it can only end one way.

I actually think under 21s should not be allowed passengers under 21.

How do you police that with cars with tinted windows?
And how does that work for young parents? That also stops young people driving their siblings around. And car sharing to college, and work.

People can be married at 16 in Scotland, 18 England and Wales. You can drive your Mum but not your wife and kids.

It would make far more sense to raise the driving age to 18. When the lure of the pub is higher and safer than the lure of cruising around in cars!

Or maybe it could be a bit like motorbike licenses your restricted in the engine size you can drive - although insurance companies seem to be policing that.