Friend’s Wedding Abroad…

[RichTea90]

Hi everyone, I hope you are well.

I’ve been invited to a friend from my postgraduate course’ wedding abroad in Croatia this August. I got the invite last year. I’m part of a “trio” of 2 other female friends and one of them is the bride. I very excitedly accepted the wedding invite, and myself and our other friend have booked an airbnb for one week. I was very excited, and happy to be going with our other friend too as its non-plus ones for us, and I don’t really know her other friends or family (though I’m invited to the hen do in June)

I met up with our other friend over the weekend, and she told me that our bride friend asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. This really upset me. I used to live near to them but I had to relocate due to my relationship ending at the time. It meant that the two of them grew closer together, and I was left out a lot of the time due to the distance. I kept going to visit the two of them when I could, but neither of them visited me.

I completely spiralled with overthinking and worrying at the weekend. It’s bringing so much up for me like I am not good enough, I’m not a valued friend, I’ve been singled out etc etc.

she has already selected 4 other bridesmaids last year, and our friend being a 5th was a later decision that was made a month ago. I feel a bit blindsided by it. It also means that on the morning of the wedding, I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc. I do struggle with anxiety anyway and that’s my own stuff that I’m receiving therapy for currently. This has put a large black cloud over the upcoming hen do and wedding for me and tbh, I really don’t feel like going anymore. I just have images of me really struggling with anxiety the whole time, and feeling alone and left out.

am I being completely irrational and unreasonable here? I feel completely horrible and don’t want to upset my friends or take away from her special day either.

p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

[Ivee]

Wow, how annoying. I can see why you’re upset.

I’m sure that neither of your friends meant to hurt you. Bridesmaid-friend didn’t have much choice, and bride-friend is totally focused on the wedding and just hasn’t thought about you at all. But, the bride has been surprisingly selfish, it obviously hasn’t crossed her mind to wonder how your holiday would be. Or maybe she’s just an extrovert and assumes you’ll find random guests to hang out with. But I would never send invites to an overseas wedding that weren’t plusone. Because that’s just so selfish!

Anyway, going to an overseas wedding where you don’t know anyone, aren’t allowed a plus-one, and the person you’re airbnb-sharing with is in the bridal party but you aren’t, totally sucks and is not worth the money. So my question to you is: how much do you want to keep these friendships? Because if you cancel there’s a risk they’ll both be very annoyed/offended.

And my second question is: can you cancel the airbnb / flight without it costing you lots of money?!

If it was me I would trust in it being a real friendship - ie I would assume that the bride cares about my feelings at least a little bit - and I’d text her something like this:

”Hi [bride] hope all going well with the wedding planning. Hey so there’s something I need to explain, but it’s a bit awkward. Basically I’m not able to come to the wedding anymore. The plan was for me and [bridesmaid] to get an airbnb together and hang out together, which when I accepted the invite I thought would work well as we both don’t know anyone else going and our invites don’t include our partners. But now she’s become a bridesmaid she’ll be off doing bridal party stuff and that makes me a bit of a spare wheel 😬 and I’d be on my own the whole holiday feeling rubbish while she’s off elsewhere with you. I’m not asking to be a bridesmaid haha, you already have 5 and I totally understand that you guys have become closer what with living nearer etc. But, since she became a bridesmaid I just can’t see a way for me to come to the wedding without it being a rather lonely and miserable experience for me. I think it’s best if I just celebrate 1:1 with you in England sometime instead and don’t come to the Croatia bit. Hope you understand.”

[Ivee]

PS If you choose not to go to the wedding, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about that decision for even a second. The bride has caused this whole situation by being very selfish and thoughtless. She could solve the problem in seconds by saying ‘Omg so sorry, when I asked X to be a bridesmaid I didn’t think through how it’d affect you, I would love so much if you can be there. Is there anyway I can tempt you to still come? I could change your invite to a plusone if that helps at all? Or I’d love you to be part of the wedding party and be a bridesmaid with X, we’d all have so much fun. But if you just don’t fancy the whole trip anymore no problem just let me know asap. Either way let’s definitely catch up for a drink soon xx”

I’m afraid she won’t respond like that though as she’s clearly rather self-centred.

[vanillawaffle]

I understand the hurt however..
p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

Is it possible the friend knew you weren't into it?

[vanillawaffle]

@Ivee

Wow, how annoying. I can see why you’re upset.

I’m sure that neither of your friends meant to hurt you. Bridesmaid-friend didn’t have much choice, and bride-friend is totally focused on the wedding and just hasn’t thought about you at all. But, the bride has been surprisingly selfish, it obviously hasn’t crossed her mind to wonder how your holiday would be. Or maybe she’s just an extrovert and assumes you’ll find random guests to hang out with. But I would never send invites to an overseas wedding that weren’t plusone. Because that’s just so selfish!

Anyway, going to an overseas wedding where you don’t know anyone, aren’t allowed a plus-one, and the person you’re airbnb-sharing with is in the bridal party but you aren’t, totally sucks and is not worth the money. So my question to you is: how much do you want to keep these friendships? Because if you cancel there’s a risk they’ll both be very annoyed/offended.

And my second question is: can you cancel the airbnb / flight without it costing you lots of money?!

If it was me I would trust in it being a real friendship - ie I would assume that the bride cares about my feelings at least a little bit - and I’d text her something like this:

”Hi [bride] hope all going well with the wedding planning. Hey so there’s something I need to explain, but it’s a bit awkward. Basically I’m not able to come to the wedding anymore. The plan was for me and [bridesmaid] to get an airbnb together and hang out together, which when I accepted the invite I thought would work well as we both don’t know anyone else going and our invites don’t include our partners. But now she’s become a bridesmaid she’ll be off doing bridal party stuff and that makes me a bit of a spare wheel 😬 and I’d be on my own the whole holiday feeling rubbish while she’s off elsewhere with you. I’m not asking to be a bridesmaid haha, you already have 5 and I totally understand that you guys have become closer what with living nearer etc. But, since she became a bridesmaid I just can’t see a way for me to come to the wedding without it being a rather lonely and miserable experience for me. I think it’s best if I just celebrate 1:1 with you in England sometime instead and don’t come to the Croatia bit. Hope you understand.”

I absolutely would NOT text her something so convoluted. A phone call sure. But not a text

[SgtBilko]

I’d go but do a bit of research of things to see in the area so you aren’t dependent on the others and a nice breakfast place to go before the wedding so you aren’t sitting about in the AirBnB waiting for the event to start. Usually people are very sociable at weddings and talk to people they don’t know.

[Aria999]

Could you get your other friend to help?

Maybe if she said to the bride 'hey I'm a bit worried about richtea being all on her own now I'm a bridesmaid, do you think you could offer her a plus one invite'

[villamariavintrapp]

Won't it just be that morning that she might be involved in wedding stuff and you'd be on your own to have a more relaxed breakfast/coffee/swim then get ready for the wedding too? And she'll obviously be at the wedding as well, I don't think you need to cancel the whole thing if you were happy to go previously?

[Allfur]

Focus on the positives, it's still exciting you are going to a lovely event abroad, it will be an adventure

[neilyoungismyhero]

I certainly wouldn't be going given this new set of circumstances. I'm not an unsociable person but certainly wouldn't relish being a Billy no mates guest on an occasion like this.
It might be she expects you to bond with other women at the hen night and arrange to meet up with someone at the wedding which may or may not happen.
I would be anxious about it all too and personally wouldn't go after explaining this to the bride.

[Prinnny]

Is it literally just a couple hours before the wedding you won’t be together?

If so ‘you won’t be on your own the whole holiday’ like the in the text a previous poster composed for you.

[RichTea90]

Appreciate the responses.

another thing I’d like to add is there are welcome drinks on day 1, then two days later it’s the wedding and then I think a beach party the day after.

I also feel like this is such a big expectation for people to attend all 3 of these things… whatever happened to just a UK evening reception?!

[RichTea90]

@Ivee

PS If you choose not to go to the wedding, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about that decision for even a second. The bride has caused this whole situation by being very selfish and thoughtless. She could solve the problem in seconds by saying ‘Omg so sorry, when I asked X to be a bridesmaid I didn’t think through how it’d affect you, I would love so much if you can be there. Is there anyway I can tempt you to still come? I could change your invite to a plusone if that helps at all? Or I’d love you to be part of the wedding party and be a bridesmaid with X, we’d all have so much fun. But if you just don’t fancy the whole trip anymore no problem just let me know asap. Either way let’s definitely catch up for a drink soon xx”

I’m afraid she won’t respond like that though as she’s clearly rather self-centred.

I just wanted to thank you personally for the length you went to with your reply. I do really appreciate it. Ive actually written out a response using yours as inspo but made it my own kinda thing. I hear what another poster said about having this convo over the phone tho and think that’s a better idea, and more personal and respectful I think x

I am glad I am not the only person who thinks the bride has been somewhat inconsiderate. It’s one thing to invite someone to your wedding abroad, but to have no plus one, (I’ve now sort of lost my wing woman), and for there to be 3 wedding events I have to attend, it’s feeling somewhat overwhelming and a big ask!

[RichTea90]

@neilyoungismyhero

I certainly wouldn't be going given this new set of circumstances. I'm not an unsociable person but certainly wouldn't relish being a Billy no mates guest on an occasion like this.
It might be she expects you to bond with other women at the hen night and arrange to meet up with someone at the wedding which may or may not happen.
I would be anxious about it all too and personally wouldn't go after explaining this to the bride.

That’s the thing. I’ve now spoken to her, and she has tried to reassure me by saying I can bond with the other girls - her other mates - at the hen do, and maybe to arrange to meet up with them or hang out with them in Croatia, but what if this doesn’t happen?! I’m going to feel even more isolated and like billy no mates! It all just feels super anxiety provoking and taking the excitement away for me. Also feels a bit dismissive…

[Quizine]

I'm wondering if your friend (the new bridesmaid) has made any comment to you about her elevation to special status, leaving you on your own basically?

I wouldn't go myself, not out of spite or anything, but I dislike weddings at the best of times, forced fun doesn't appeal to me. And to have to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed whilst mingling with strangers all day would annoy the hell out of me!

I'd go to the hens and leave it at that personally, but I'd give a decent wedding pressie just the same. The sense of relief you will feel will be immense.

I have declined wedding invites in the past for similar reasons, and while I know the inviters were well meaning I just felt alone and awkward. I politely declined, sent a gift, and honestly they didn't give a hoot. Too busy organising their weddings of the year!

[RichTea90]

@Quizine

I'm wondering if your friend (the new bridesmaid) has made any comment to you about her elevation to special status, leaving you on your own basically?

I wouldn't go myself, not out of spite or anything, but I dislike weddings at the best of times, forced fun doesn't appeal to me. And to have to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed whilst mingling with strangers all day would annoy the hell out of me!

I'd go to the hens and leave it at that personally, but I'd give a decent wedding pressie just the same. The sense of relief you will feel will be immense.

I have declined wedding invites in the past for similar reasons, and while I know the inviters were well meaning I just felt alone and awkward. I politely declined, sent a gift, and honestly they didn't give a hoot. Too busy organising their weddings of the year!

The new bridesmaid just said oh I think it’s because we see each other often, and that’s it! No other comments about the promoted status, lol!

I think you are sooo right… I find the forced fun quite jarring. Again, don’t mind putting up with it or showing my face for a few hours at a venue in the UK but to go all the way abroad to do this on my own and amongst people I dont know all too well is not my idea of a holiday 🙁 sorry if I sound like a bore!!! I’m glad others are on my page!

do you not think it’s weird to attend the hen do and not the wedding?! I feel like she’s using the hen do now as an opportunity for all the stand alone friends to mingle. There are gonna be some girls that know each other too. I know my bridesmaid friend is prob already building connections with the other bridesmaids and probs bonding over bridesmaid duties!

god it all just feels a lot

[LadyBird1973]

You might enjoy the hen do - I've often found that events I've dreaded, have been better than I anticipated.
I'd still go the wedding - having raised a concern I don't think you can make an excuse now that the bride will buy. It's a chance to see a new place and your bridesmaid friend won't be doing stuff all day every day with the bride.

[TempName247]

Hold on, is it just the morning of the wedding you will be on your own? Why don’t you just ask if you can join them to get ready with the bridal party so you’re not left on your own. The rest of the time you will be in the Airbnb with your friend won’t you?

[Quizine]

No I don't think going to the hens and not the wedding is an issue for you at all. It shows you are happy to join in the good wishes, have a bit of fun and wish Bridie well etc. etc.

If Bridie has a problem with it, then that's her problem isn't it? You are an independent woman, you don't wish her any ill will, in fact the opposite, you are making a decision for yourself and honestly if there is any blowback about it, well I'd look on it as not your problem, it's Bridezilla's!

You could say (which I've done when I declined a good friend's wedding invite), that you will meet up with her after they get back and treat her to a spa day or something, just the two of you. Look at the photos, catch up and enjoy the day without all the angst and expense of going abroad when you deep down don't really want to.

She can only say no, at which point you will know you were absolutely right not to go! If she says yes, she has accepted your non attendance, so win win.

[amidsummernightsdream]

Firstly, id caveat this to say, if I was in this situation, id feel the same, so i do feel for you. I dont think you’re unreasonable to have concerns, however i do think you would be unreasonable to pull out now if you’ve said your going. I think it’s one of those situations where you’ve got to be objective, despite how you feel.

I think the overthinking about not being a bridesmaid is almost certainly your anxiety. There could be a thousand reasons she asked her and not you that have nothing to do with your friendship and how she feels about you.
I had an abroad wedding and its smaller and more intimate, so she obviously thinks a lot of you to want you there. I would focus on this.

If you were excited to go in the first place and you care about your friend, try to get to that place again.
Bridesmaid duties take up hardly any time, so i cant see how that means you will be on your own. Maybe on the morning, but surely you can get ready on your own for one morning. The reality isnt going to be as bad as your anxiety is making you think, so try and keep perspective.

Perhaps chat through your concerns with your other friend who is bridesmaid and im sure she will be able to reassure you.

I’m surprised at the people telling you not to go after already having accepted. I bet you will have a great time if you go. Dont let your anxiety ruin the trip and potentially a friendship.

[Groundbreaking]

@RichTea90

Appreciate the responses.

another thing I’d like to add is there are welcome drinks on day 1, then two days later it’s the wedding and then I think a beach party the day after.

I also feel like this is such a big expectation for people to attend all 3 of these things… whatever happened to just a UK evening reception?!

Does this mean it's 4 days long? I agree that expecting people to attend a full destination wedding can be a lot, but this wasn't an issue previously so I don't think it can be that much of an issue for you now. If you don't want to go then that's your choice but I wouldn't look for extra reasons to not have a good time.

Over the whole 4 days you will be by yourself for maybe 4 hours on the wedding morning and that's it. That's not a huge deal. You will be with your friend the rest of the time surely?

[BreakfastAtMimis]

I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc.

It's not on other people to explain this to you. You're an adult, you can get yourself ready and to the venue.

[Mintchocco]

OP, gently, and as someone who also suffers with anxiety that is now thankfully under control with medication and cbt, your anxiety is not up to others to to accommodate.

If you really don't want to go, then that is your call but don't let your anxiety ruin this when the reality is I very much doubt that a. this has been done to make you feel left out in any way and b. that it will be anywhere near as bad as what you are building it up to be in your mind.

[BobbyBiscuits]

I get the impression it's possible someone dropped out and your friend was a last minute replacement? Being a bridesmaid as an adult can be an unwanted responsibility. You can't choose your dress and would be expected to involved in all the prep a bit more.

[rookiemere]

@RichTea90 gently, you are overthinking this because of your anxiety. B2B is allowed to invite your friend as bridesmaid and to anticipate you would be ok with that.
I think you just need to work out what you can cope with - maybe talk to bridesmaid friend about your concerns - please don't be asking the B2B for a plus one invie.

[RichTea90]

@Mintchocco

OP, gently, and as someone who also suffers with anxiety that is now thankfully under control with medication and cbt, your anxiety is not up to others to to accommodate.

If you really don't want to go, then that is your call but don't let your anxiety ruin this when the reality is I very much doubt that a. this has been done to make you feel left out in any way and b. that it will be anywhere near as bad as what you are building it up to be in your mind.

Appreciate the “gently” !!

argh, I still think it’s a big ask!! I really am glad others can understand how I feel… it’s reassuring to know it’s not just me…