Friend’s Wedding Abroad…

[RichTea90]

Hi everyone, I hope you are well.

I’ve been invited to a friend from my postgraduate course’ wedding abroad in Croatia this August. I got the invite last year. I’m part of a “trio” of 2 other female friends and one of them is the bride. I very excitedly accepted the wedding invite, and myself and our other friend have booked an airbnb for one week. I was very excited, and happy to be going with our other friend too as its non-plus ones for us, and I don’t really know her other friends or family (though I’m invited to the hen do in June)

I met up with our other friend over the weekend, and she told me that our bride friend asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. This really upset me. I used to live near to them but I had to relocate due to my relationship ending at the time. It meant that the two of them grew closer together, and I was left out a lot of the time due to the distance. I kept going to visit the two of them when I could, but neither of them visited me.

I completely spiralled with overthinking and worrying at the weekend. It’s bringing so much up for me like I am not good enough, I’m not a valued friend, I’ve been singled out etc etc.

she has already selected 4 other bridesmaids last year, and our friend being a 5th was a later decision that was made a month ago. I feel a bit blindsided by it. It also means that on the morning of the wedding, I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc. I do struggle with anxiety anyway and that’s my own stuff that I’m receiving therapy for currently. This has put a large black cloud over the upcoming hen do and wedding for me and tbh, I really don’t feel like going anymore. I just have images of me really struggling with anxiety the whole time, and feeling alone and left out.

am I being completely irrational and unreasonable here? I feel completely horrible and don’t want to upset my friends or take away from her special day either.

p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

Would you be okay with several wedding events if you were a bridesmaid or your friend wasn’t?

You booked for a week, I don’t see why you’re suddenly against the idea of multiple celebrations. That’s normal for destination weddings, they have everyone in one place for a period of time and want to make the most of it.

Go and do so enthusiastically or don’t. She doesn’t need someone there costing her money who’s resentful or critical.

It sounds like sour grapes as your friend has been promoted and you haven’t. You didn’t have any issues with the plans before you found that out unless I’ve missed something.

No no no, I would deffo not be asking for a plus one invite.

Super rude!

For the record, I don’t want to be a bridesmaid, lol

I also feel like this is such a big expectation for people to attend all 3 of these things… whatever happened to just a UK evening reception?!

So just decline. No one is forcing you to go, it’s an invitation not a summons.

How much will your bridesmaid friend be involved in the wedding? When I was a bridesmaid i turned up to see the bride an hour or so before the wedding. Most people were busy getting their hair done etc. All the rest of the wedding week I was hanging out with my husband or the rest of the wedding guests. I’d check before you go for the nuclear option and decide not to go at all.
Croatia is a lovely city to explore, surely you don’t mind spending a little time on your own?

So you don’t want to be a bridesmaid but you want to be ‘upset’ and ‘blindsided’ by not being one.

Erm, no! I was blindsided with my friend becoming one as when I’d booked the Airbnb with her last yr, we were just standard guests going together kinda thing! I felt comfortable I was going with someone who was on the same level as me.

I really don’t get how it’s difficult to understand that and why the need to be judgemental and rude. Do you get a kick out of it or something? 🧐

Agree, I'm not sure I understand why this is an issue.

I think if you don't go to the wedding, you can say goodbye to the friendship. I would be annoyed if you didn't come to my wedding just because you didn't want to get ready on your own.

Very gently, I think you are overreacting quite a bit.

It sounds like the BM promotion has reminded you of a time in your life where you were down and had to move away. This is feeding your anxiety as ultimately it is largely the same event you enthusiastically signed up for, and your BM friend will only be busy doing bridal party stuff for an hour or two before the wedding.

You asked if you were being irrational and unreasonable and I think you are. No one has been rude to you.

It’s not at all rude to wonder why you were fine with the plans until your friend was asked to be a bridesmaid. What’s rude is accepting an invitation then getting shitty about what the invitation entails.

The bride hasn’t done anything wrong. Neither has your other friend.

If you think anything beyond an evening reception in the U.K. is daft why on Earth did you agree to going to a wedding abroad for a week?

You aren't going to be on your own all day, afew hours on the morning.
Don't let it ruin something you were looking forward to.

Honestly if you pull out having said you were going I think you will be saying goodbye to the friendship.

Only you will know whether that decision will be worth making.

I don’t personally feel I am “getting shitty.”

I have feelings, and my feelings matter and are important too. I am meant to be a friend, and the very nature of friendships is that we care and respect one another.

I don’t doubt that.

Firstly, I'm not seeing the friend being a bridesmaid affecting the whole holiday, surely only the day of the wedding? You can still hang out with her at the wedding as well.
Secondly, I think organizing get togethers, especially with destination weddings, are a great idea. You'll get to meet guests beforehand so less awkward on the wedding day. Plus these are optional, I presume, so if its too much don't attend one.
If I was the bride I would be pretty disappointed if you pulled out due to this, not a big deal, IMO.

I don’t think it’ll be as big a drama as you think. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice. Other than a few photos and walking down the aisle I said with my friends/husband. I hung out with my friends. I danced with my friends. I chatted with my friends. She’s not going to just bin you off because she’s a bridesmaid.
I mean if you don’t want to go then don’t go. But I think you’ll lose your money on the air b&b and flights if you’ve booked them and also potentially lose 2 friendships.
You could meet and make friendships on the hen do so it’s not just one person you’re relying on at the wedding.
You never know you might actually have a good time

Also, don’t you think it’s funny how as a guest and as a friend I am being vilified?!

To all those who say you can say goodbye to the friendship.. really?

would you really well and truly END a friendship with someone you care about because they feel anxious and uncomfortable attending your wedding abroad under these circumstances?! I personally think it says more about the bride who would do this than the friend who has changed their mind about coming.

more than happy to celebrate with her 1:1 on her return, but I really don’t fancy this anymore, and I think my decision might be made, but I’m gonna give it some more thought over the coming weeks!

How are your friends not caring or respecting you?

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

Have only booked the Airbnb so far. As far as I am aware the final payment is due 2 weeks before we are due to fly out. I’d even be prepared to pay it in full so my bridesmaid friend has somewhere to stay. I’m not a shitty a friend as some people are making out on here!

as for the flights, they haven’t been booked yet.

I think my friend will have a truly magical wedding with or without me. Yes Croatia is gorgeous, but I really don’t want to be expected to go to 3 separate events for a friend who hasn’t really considered my feelings all that well. She has 5 bridesmaids and tonnes of other friends & family going. I really don’t think by me not going I’d make much difference! If she chooses to no longer be friends with me over this, then more fool her.

myself and my partner would never expect or “de friend” someone over such a thing! In fact, we’re actually eloping next year just the two of us. If we do decide to have a uk reception, it’ll be money behind a bar and all welcome to those who can make it and no ill feelings to those who can’t!

Yeah I wouldn't feel hugely comfortable with these new arrangements either OP.

I don't know why people are focusing on you not being asked to be bridesmaid, when she and the bride are the only people you know going and they obviously be busy!

It's about being on your own the morning of the wedding, finding your own way to the venue, maybe sitting for the ceremony with people you haven't met before, making your own way to reception, standing around like a lemon for drinks and canapes, making small talk with whoever you're seated with, for hours. Only once all the formalities are out of the way will there be mingling.

You can hope you will meet some nice people at the hen and you'll be able to arrange to sit with them or whatever for the wedding but it's not certain is it.

Presumably she knows lots of people will be traveling and so wants to make it worth their while and make sure everyone enjoys themselves.

I think it's probably your anxiety, but you do seem to jump to thinking the worst of your friends. Why do you think you'll be on your own the whole time? My bridesmaids got ready with me and walked me down the aisle but then were free to mingle with everyone else and enjoy themselves. It's not necessarily a job that takes loads of time on the day. Especially if there are 5.

Also, even if your BM friend is getting to know the other BMs atm, you'll still be the friemd she knows best and wants to spend time with. Also you could use her to make introductions and make new friends that way

I think you’re making the mistake of assuming that you’ve been deliberately excluded - when probably what’s happened is that the bride has spent some time with your other friend and thought it would be nice to include her in the bridal party. Why have you gone from accepting excitedly to basically deciding it’s all a waste of time and that you don’t want to go; all that’s changed is that your bridesmaid friend will have some jobs for a couple of hours one morning. And if you don’t go, presumably your bridesmaid friend is in a right pickle - she’s agreed to do it, but has nowhere to stay and nobody to spend the rest of the holiday with. As others have said, that might cause an issue with your friendship (not to mention your friendship with the bride). I’m sure you’ll have the good time you originally envisaged.