Friend’s Wedding Abroad…

[RichTea90]

Hi everyone, I hope you are well.

I’ve been invited to a friend from my postgraduate course’ wedding abroad in Croatia this August. I got the invite last year. I’m part of a “trio” of 2 other female friends and one of them is the bride. I very excitedly accepted the wedding invite, and myself and our other friend have booked an airbnb for one week. I was very excited, and happy to be going with our other friend too as its non-plus ones for us, and I don’t really know her other friends or family (though I’m invited to the hen do in June)

I met up with our other friend over the weekend, and she told me that our bride friend asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. This really upset me. I used to live near to them but I had to relocate due to my relationship ending at the time. It meant that the two of them grew closer together, and I was left out a lot of the time due to the distance. I kept going to visit the two of them when I could, but neither of them visited me.

I completely spiralled with overthinking and worrying at the weekend. It’s bringing so much up for me like I am not good enough, I’m not a valued friend, I’ve been singled out etc etc.

she has already selected 4 other bridesmaids last year, and our friend being a 5th was a later decision that was made a month ago. I feel a bit blindsided by it. It also means that on the morning of the wedding, I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc. I do struggle with anxiety anyway and that’s my own stuff that I’m receiving therapy for currently. This has put a large black cloud over the upcoming hen do and wedding for me and tbh, I really don’t feel like going anymore. I just have images of me really struggling with anxiety the whole time, and feeling alone and left out.

am I being completely irrational and unreasonable here? I feel completely horrible and don’t want to upset my friends or take away from her special day either.

p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

Also, don’t you think it’s funny how as a guest and as a friend I am being vilified?!

Dramatic much?! Vilified? Who has said anything of the sort? Nearly everyone has been kind and gently suggested your anxiety is playing a part here, and that the wedding might not be as full on as you expect, with plenty of time to see your friends.

Sorry, but I disagree with you.

like I said above, I’m more than happy to pay the full remaining payment for the Airbnb so my BM friend has somewhere to stay. She has the whole rest of the bridal party to support her as well. We haven’t booked the flights yet. There is already speak of booking the same flights as the bride. It’s not like I’ve ditched my other friend. She’s already been included with the rest of them and won’t be on her own.

Also it’s not just about her being away the morning of the wedding, she’ll be off doing bridesmaid pics and all sorts etc etc.

I think I’d rather just leave them all to it tbh. I’m not just there to be someone the bridesmaid knows. I really don’t like how weddings become like this. It’s like I have to completely disregard my needs and feelings for the sake of a week long celebration of a couple.

I understand how you feel. I would find it hard to go to a wedding not knowing anyone other than the bridal party. ( as they will be busy with getting ready/photos/ top table etc. ) During the day you will potentially have long periods of being alone and if you struggle socially that's not a lot of fun. And I would find it harder abroad.

I don't think bride did anything wrong in asking her friend to be bridesmaid but yes it has impacted on you. Have you spoke to bridesmaid about how you feel?

If you choose not to go I would say bride will take some offence. She may see it as you not valuing the friendship enough.

You won't see your friend for a couple of hours on the morning of the wedding and maybe 30 minutes during the day whilst she has photos done. It's not as though you won't know anyone, you're going on the hen do as well as these welcome drinks that are planned. Surely you can make small talk with some other guests for those 30 minutes.
You're making a massive deal about being left on your own but you have no issue leaving your friend on her own if you don't go. YABU.

I do think your anxiety is making you say some unkind things.

As most people have flown to the wedding, the couple possibly feel obliged to provide a number of events to make it worthwhile to have traveled.

The majority of people will be catching up with relatives and friends, but I do understand that it will be difficult when you just know one person.

Maybe it would be possible for your DP to come and stay at the apartment and the two of you could do some sightseeing together?

I can see you haven’t been very happy with people disagreeing with you but I think youve spiralled this now to suit your wish not to go. It’s not unusual with a wedding abroad for there to be a few events as it can make people feel it is worth the trip, it’s not your friends fault (either the bride or bridesmaid) that they became closer and I get that it hurts but that’s how things go. If you don’t feel comfortable going because you think you won’t be with your friend and you’ll be on your own then that’s valid and you can say that but it’s not helpful to bend everything else so that it’s the bride who is being unreasonable. She is having her wedding the way she wants it and she cannot bend everything to the individual needs of each guest

Your updates have just made you seem way way ott OP. I think you’re looking at this all the wrong way but I doubt you’re going to see that. It’s perhaps best you step back from the wedding but dont blame it on your friends, they havent done anything wrong.
Are you getting help for your anxiety? If not, I think that would be helpful.
If you do pull out, i really hope your friend is understanding and you can maintain your friendship. Good luck!

I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

While there certainly can be drama involved, in this instance the only drama that’s been outlined so far is the drama you’re making. You seem certain that your friend is going to ditch you to hang out with all the other bridesmaids and leave playing the gooseberry but you’ve given no indication that she’s that sort of person. It’s quite possible she’s going to be as good a holiday companion as she was before bar a few hours on the day itself. You could have a fantastic time with her, see some of Croatia, bond more deeply as you share the holiday and the unique perspective you share on your friend who’s getting married. That’s a perfectly likely way for the time to pan out. Have you considered talking to her about it instead of assuming she’ll drop you like a stone because you think she’s got new mates now?

I understand where you're coming from.

The dynamic has changed and it won't be as much fun for you now as it would have been if your friend wasn't hauled off for bridesmaiding.

I agree it’s a bit thoughtless of the bride tbh, being a trio as you said, and now you are left in a different situation than you thought. What i would do, and have done in similar situations with friend dynamics, is demote in my head, put in the good acquaintance lane, but still attend the parties, meet up etc, but on my terms. Putting more effort into other friends. That’s empowering

Thank you for understanding. X

I actually think this has been the most helpful response so far. I’m going to continue going, but the demotion process has now started in my head. I think what I’m going through is actually a process of grief.

OP you are going to have a great time. There is no need to be so pessimistic.

You are going to go on this hen, where you will have a great time with some new lovely like-minded women. When the wedding comes around, you are going to meet people at the welcome event and on the day, you will have a leisurely morning before going to meet all your lovely new acquaintances at the wedding. Do not let your brain convince you otherwise. The best thing about destination weddings is that they are usually small, very relaxed and intimate in a way that encourages guests to mingle.

At the moment you are upset with your friend because she has not managed your anxiety. It is unfair and unrealistic for you to expect her to do so, so while yes it’s fine for you to feel uncomfortable, it’s also self indulgent for you to hold this against her.

If you remove yourself from all situations in which you feel uncomfortable, you will never overcome your anxiety. Avoidance makes it worse, just something to think about. If you go it will probably really improve your confidence.

OP you are entitled to feel how you feel. You shouldn't force yourself to go somewhere you don't want to go. As you said you would pay for the airbnb anyway that is fair enough.

however, in your situation I would advise you to discuss your reaction to this situation with your therapist as its clear that your anxiety levels are significant.

I have similar issues but over time have realised that no one else is responsible for managing my negative emotions except myself. because you feel your self worth is so low, you assume others have treated you like this because they also think you are worthless. this is not accurate. they do care about you, they just don't understand your perspective as they don't have your anxieties. as far as they are concerned, you will have a great time. the bride is probably really stressed organising everything to make sure all her guests are well looked after (including you). your friendships may or may not survive this, but they will certainly be saddened.

Once the wedding is done, I would meet up with them and try to explain. important not to blame them (as its not their fault), but merely describe your anxieties and how you found it too difficult and hope they understand.

I think there are some really valid points in these responses.

The change of plans is difficult to deal with having expectations of how it was going to be now expecting something difficult entirely. I am sure your friend who is the bride and the other friend will ensure that you are not left on your own like a lemon, if they are true friends they will make sure of that.

I am speaking from someone who suffers from social anxiety and also would have found this difficult to deal with. However, one thing that has helped me over the years is ‘just say yes’ to opportunities. I have met some really interesting people in different situations this way.

I am in my late thirties and have ‘done’ the wedding period of my life and I don’t have any regrets. 2 I have attended alone, 1 abroad. I made sure I had a plan and a list of places I wanted to visit and also some conversation prompts as this is the main thing I struggle with. Now, I have two small children (hence my ridiculously early post 😅) and would love to be able to swim in the sea in Majorca and get a leisurely coffee before putting on some music & getting ready with a glass of cava for some courage before my friends wedding 😆.

What I am trying to say is look at the bigger picture and not so directly in front of you which we often do with anxiety. You can think of the worst thing that can happen but what about spending that same amount of time on what’s the BEST thing that can happen? This event is such a small amount of time in your life and the getting ready on your own part. I know that you said that you will elope to get married and you don’t share the same values as your friend and that is fine, but I am sure if you didn’t mean a lot to your friend she wouldn’t have invited you, especially to a wedding abroad. Part of friendship is being there for one another in these big life events and standing together, at times, putting your own needs aside.

I would take a couple of weeks to see how you feel. Your feelings are completely valid. But do look at the bigger picture and the future. Wishing you all the best @RichTea90

Sorry op i like other posters, am struggling to understand your point of view. Your posts have continued to indicate that you don’t want to be a bridesmaid but you are also really pissed off you’re not a bridesmaid.

I’m also unsure what the issue is with the rest of the holiday. You might be getting ready by yourself but how does that mean you’ll be alone the rest of the time? Is there something i’m missing? My bridesmaids were not attached to me or together after the ceremony itself.

At this point i’d say just don’t go if you don’t want to. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline a wedding abroad. I have before.

Can I ask a really blunt question op? Is there a possibility you haven’t been asked to be a bridesmaid because of your high level of anxiety?

No.

She asked our other friend as they’ve become very close.

this is not about me not being asked to be a bridesmaid.

Sorry then, i’m still not understanding what you want. Your op literally talks about you feel like you’re not good enough and you feel singled out.

You’ve had some kind responses here, some of which you’ve responded incredibly rudely to, so I’m not going to bother being kind.

You sound self-centred, immature and plain bloody awful. It’s your friend’s wedding and you’re whining about being ‘left out’ but simultaneously complaining about being invited to so many events, most of the events being ones you find ‘toxic’.

If I were you, I’d decline the whole thing, allow the bride space to invite a more positive presence. And do be sure to tell her it’s because you can’t bear to be alone for a few hours because that will definitely give her, and all her BMs, a good laugh as she’s tries to finish planning one of the most important weeks of her life.

Honestly, the sheer hubris of you. The arrogance to try and make it about you all while making out SHE’S done something wrong.

Decline. People like you are the worst. Poll says it all: YABU.

Sorry OP, YABU

FWIW I get it, I do, you had an expectation of this holiday which has now shifted.

I believe the bride had been somewhat thoughtless, and this could have been quickly rectified by you or your friend being grownups and saying "hey, any chance of a plus one because xyz"

However, realistically your friends BM duties will be over after the photos, there's five of them and she's a last minute sub - she won't have any considerable duties

What I will say, like others have said, is that it is not other peoples responsibility to manage your anxiety, to explain things to you or to essentially, baby you, which is what you're asking.

Youre making the mistake a lot of pepple freshly into therapy make, conflating the notion that your feelings are "valid" (a horrendous therapy buzz term but that's another thread) with the notion that they are infallible and always reasonable.

This isn't the same thing.

To believe it is results in a person losing self awareness, and becoming self indulgent and self centred. This is what's happening here.

Your feelings are valid certainly, but they're not reasonable,

your feelings being valid also does not mean they outrank other peoples, again youre conflating the two. This is why it's not uncaring of your friend not to prioritise fully how you feel, think, act on her own wedding day.

You've had some level headed responses here which you've reacted very rudely to. You came here expecting an echo chamber of "validity" - its not what you got (fwiw, echo Chambers are not healthy)

I suggest you pick the below up with your therapist

1. Why you've reacted this way to this wedding situation
2. Why you've reacted so defensively to perfectly reasonable criticism

I also suggest you don't go to the wedding.

All of this.

You did say that they'd grown closer to each other (it happens) so the '5th bridesmaid' choice perhaps isn't a huge deal. I'd be disappointed about 'other friend's' changed role on the day, particularly if I didn't really know anyone else who was going. However, I do think you're dramatising things a bit - as are other posters tbf. The wedding and trip to Croatia could still be really lovely.
As for the hen, just go if you want to and don't go if you don't want to. Don't send any convoluted excuses though.

Weddings where I am from must be different as when I was a bridesmaid I was with the wedding party the most of the time and really only mingled with guests after eating and all the ceremonies had been done so for those saying that the bridesmaid will only be busy a couple of hours in the morning and then free to hang out with the OP isn't true.

When do you have to make a decision and book your flights? If it's after the hen do can you wait till then and see if you can meet some people there that you could hang out with at the wedding?

I don't have social anxiety but am an introvert so the thought of being at a wedding and not knowing anyone is my nightmare.