Friend’s Wedding Abroad…

[RichTea90]

Hi everyone, I hope you are well.

I’ve been invited to a friend from my postgraduate course’ wedding abroad in Croatia this August. I got the invite last year. I’m part of a “trio” of 2 other female friends and one of them is the bride. I very excitedly accepted the wedding invite, and myself and our other friend have booked an airbnb for one week. I was very excited, and happy to be going with our other friend too as its non-plus ones for us, and I don’t really know her other friends or family (though I’m invited to the hen do in June)

I met up with our other friend over the weekend, and she told me that our bride friend asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. This really upset me. I used to live near to them but I had to relocate due to my relationship ending at the time. It meant that the two of them grew closer together, and I was left out a lot of the time due to the distance. I kept going to visit the two of them when I could, but neither of them visited me.

I completely spiralled with overthinking and worrying at the weekend. It’s bringing so much up for me like I am not good enough, I’m not a valued friend, I’ve been singled out etc etc.

she has already selected 4 other bridesmaids last year, and our friend being a 5th was a later decision that was made a month ago. I feel a bit blindsided by it. It also means that on the morning of the wedding, I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc. I do struggle with anxiety anyway and that’s my own stuff that I’m receiving therapy for currently. This has put a large black cloud over the upcoming hen do and wedding for me and tbh, I really don’t feel like going anymore. I just have images of me really struggling with anxiety the whole time, and feeling alone and left out.

am I being completely irrational and unreasonable here? I feel completely horrible and don’t want to upset my friends or take away from her special day either.

p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

If I had booked accommodation for a week with a friend and they dropped out I think that would be the end of our friendship. It wouldn't be a big fall out but I would stop making any effort to make plans with them as I would consider them to be flakey. It's not the bridesmaids fault is it? She couldn't have said no to the bride as that's just not the done thing and now she is being dumped to spend a week on her own in a random air bnb.

I sympathise. I'd feel exactly as you've said you do. For my own wedding I focussed the non-ceremony parts on making sure my guests were as happy as possible, exactly as I would if I'd thrown any other party for them.

Not everyone sees weddings that way. There's a huge movement away from looking after people who are celebrating with you, towards them being part of the setting for the bride's perfect day. No consideration required. They don't intend selfishness though. It's completely what the wedding magazines etc push.

Is it worth trying to find out how much time bridesmaiding will take up? A few hours/one day is doable, but if it takes up the whole trip that's a different matter. It might be worth looking up other ways you could enjoy a semi-solo trip there. Are there any places you'd like to visit? Good shopping? A spa? Local sights?

@RichTea90

"Why is it now my responsibility to suck it up and now look after my friend as well? 😵‍💫"

But that is exactly what you are expecting her to do for you.

I think @TheInfusionist had some great advice and I would try to follow some of it. And remember the wedding is only one day out of a week-long holiday.

I'd also be worried that the new bridesmaid will be asked to stay with the rest of the wedding party? And you might be footing the bill for the Airbnb alone.

Tbh neither have thought about you or your situation as they change the playing field. It's up to you how you respond. It's only a wedding, you can say no, sorry the situation has completely hanged and I don't feel comfortable any more. It's unclear whether they're thoughtless or they don't care.

to be fair why would you schlepp all the way to Croatia, do one thing then come back?

If you don't want to go, don't go. But if there's a meet'n'greet on day 1, that is your chance to find someone to buddy up with surely?

Don't send long convoluted, weirdly formal messages to bride. Go or don't go but don't dither. Get on top of this now.

You're upset because you will now have to spend a few hours alone on one day but see no issue with cancelling and making your friend stay in an airbnb for a week on her own because its not your responsibility? The irony.

Maybe have a chat with your friend and the bride and ask if you can travel to the venue early with your friend and just hang out there before the wedding? Then you won't be alone or need to travel there alone. Maybe they would be absolutely fine with that given your anxieties around that particular issue. Perhaps you and your friend could bring your partners to stay with you in the airbnb so when you're not doing wedding things you can turn it into a little holiday together? Create a deeper bond, have fun, that kinda stuff.

If you do decide to cancel it all, don't wait. The bride will be fine, the bridesmaid - your friend - won't be. She'll have a lot to try and sort out.

Unfortunately with your responses, I'm thinking this is probably true. Even if Airbnb friend hadn't been made a BM what happens if she wants to talk to new people or wants to stay longer at anything than you do? It feels you have very high expectations on her.

Heartfelt apology to friend and offer to still pay your share of Airbnb, say that you've been going through therapy for your anxiety and you've realised that the wedding is too much for you.

Heartfelt apology to bride saying same and wishing her all the best for her big event.

Do not mention to either of them the bridesmaid thing or the 3 day events as being the issue. Keep it as bland as you can if you want to retain either friendship. This is about you and how you are viewing the situation.

I’m not sure why everyone keeps suggesting I am upset over spending a few hours on my own on the day of the wedding getting ready alone, because it’s not just down to this at all.

for me, it’s the fact that the plans have changed and the bride didn’t inform me, I just got a passing comment from bridesmaid friend that she’s now a bridesmaid and she was talking to me about her drress. In my mind, I had envisaged that we’d be getting ready and travelling to the venue together. I am a grown woman and I can get myself ready alone and catch a taxi to the venue. It’s just the fact that the plan changed suddenly and seemingly without any consideration for me. Like I’ve said, had I of known my other friend was a bridesmaid, I may have felt inclined to decline the invitation. I’m also going to be sitting in the ceremony alone as well. It’s just not really what I’d signed up to I guess. I went to a wedding alone last year and while it was ok, I did feel like billy no mates and I found it awkward. To do this abroad and with 3 separate events while my other friend is more involved, it doesn’t fill me with great vibes.

This is more along the lines of what I mean. The goal posts are changing, I now don’t really know what to expect or what else is likely to change without my knowledge?!

im just expected to go with the flow

Absolutely would never send long messages like that. I’d rather have a chat on the phone tbh and I’d be very honest with her.

I love my friends, but I also need to think about myself too and what I am willing to do and not do. My bride friend has since messaged me saying she knew I’d be upset. So in my head I’m thinking so why do this then? Why the last minute change?

it is HER day absolutely… but I do matter as well. I’m not trying to take away from her day.

I guess what I’m learning is yes, a lot of people’s attitudes is this is my wedding do whatever I ask of you - like it or lump it - and as a friend and a guest that doesn’t sit right with me.

Sorry, what exactly will she have to sort out?
The Airbnb is half paid, and I’ll be settling the rest. If she’s a bridesmaid, everything else will be taken care of for her and she has the rest of the bridal party for company… if anyone is likely to be alone, it will be me, as she is off doing bridesmaid stuff.

I am probably still going to go, but this isn’t really a week long holiday for us. Bride wants us all to meet up and do activities before the welcome drinks, then we have the wedding day, then it’s beach party. I’d like to maybe do something for myself on one day or have some time to myself just to relax. This is a week out of my annual leave.

bride also wants us to take a 7am flight out all together on the Monday whereas I would quite fancy a later flight so I’m not having to wake up early and rush around. I just feel like most of my autonomy has been removed in favour of the bride because it’s her not special day, but now, special week.

You can get the later flight if you want, ditto you can skip the beach party ( fake a stomach illness if you want an excuse).

You still have autonomy, the bride is asking you to these things because she wants you to be involved.

Op honestly I think your ego has taken a hit here. It happens to all of us and it’s understandable but it sounds like you’re trying to deflect by criticising all the plans which previously you were absolutely fine with.

I don’t think either of your friends have committed an unforgivable offence, they just haven’t had you front and centre of their planning. And that’s ok, as others have said it liberates you from having to make them front and centre of any plans that you make from now on.

I think its best you don't go but for different reasons.

You sound like a total guestzilla and will ruin it for the bride and indeed for your other friend, the bridesmaid, who you will no doubt try to guilt trip into not participating in the wedding activities or having fun. Do them all a favour and stay home.

That’s not true at all - she is welcome to do whatever she wants to do and have as much fun as she likes! No guilt tripping from me!

So you're not upset about not being a bridesmaid and you're not upset about being on your own for a few hours or getting ready alone... I'm really not then understanding the issue, even though you've gone on to explain it here. To pull out because the bride should have kept you informed is the weakest of all the reasons to get the hump.

It’s just the fact that the plan changed suddenly and seemingly without any consideration for me. Like I’ve said, had I of known my other friend was a bridesmaid, I may have felt inclined to decline the invitation.

Well, she wasn't a bridesmaid when you were invited and the plan changed probably for some nice reason like the bride realised she could stretch to an extra bridesmaid or had been spending time with your friend (who you acknowledge is much closer to bride because you've moved away) and felt moved to add her as bridesmaid. The idea that she should consider you in that decision and keep you informed is pretty bizarre, especially as you've now made clear that the practical changes it leads to aren't a problem for you.

On the one hand you're saying you're a grown woman who can cope fine for the short periods your friend will be bridesmaiding, on the other you're moaning about being billy no mates. I think the PP is onto something that it's your ego taking the hit here and you're trying to logic it out, but it won't logic. You're hurt because you're not as close to her for understandable reasons and feel like you no longer want to put yourself to go to her wedding. But really, nothing's changed except your friend being a BM, which isn't such a big deal if you don't want to be a BM and are okay with the minor adjustments required.

Considering the circumstances and sensitivities of every guest is just not viable and your friend told you in passing because that's the level of import this info has, it's not the big deal you're taking it to be, either roll with it or make your excuses and don't go, but I think the latter is being OTT.

I'm really sorry you struggle with anxiety, it really is the worst. And I'm sorry the whole situation has left you feeling so crappy.

Some great advice on here about trying to reframe this, or at least consider the way the anxiety may be skewing the way you're viewing it. I think this would be really helpful for you because, the way I see it, as a fellow anxiety sufferer who also suffers from a tendency to revert to this kind of thought/behaviour, the majority of your post can be split into you having particular thoughts, emotions or feelings, which YANBU for having, and you expecting others to cater for your feelings/make these a priority (or even take them into consideration without having spelled these out for/ discussed them directly with the people concerned), for which I do think YABU.

I think, ultimately, it is unreasonable for you to expect the bride and the other friend, in all the chaos and joy of planning the wedding, to have catered specifically for how this might affect you, especially because as I understood it, you haven't given either of them a heads up about the anxiousness this has brought up for you. I really sympathise with you because one of the worst parts of my anxiety is the feeling of constantly being trapped inside my own head going in circles, but I have to be honest and say that a knock-on aspect of this is
a tendency sometimes to view everything from the perspective of your own ego and emotions and it's really important to be able to depersonalise and rationalise things.

I think all the people in the world can tell you 'go, it will be fine, I did it and had a great time' or the opposite - I've gone alone to weddings and had a blast, I've also gone alone and had a crap time. Either is possible, so you have to be clear about either outcome and what you can personally manage or find tolerable. There is no shame in stepping aside from something you're not up to. However I would urge you to try and do this in a way which centres on your inability at the current time to manage the situation to a degree which makes you feel comfortable, rather than any perceived slight from the bride or the bridesmaid for not centering you in their considerations because ultimately I don't think you have any real right to demand this of them at this stage, or at least to be feeling so let down without having a direct conversation.

Wishing you all the best in the resolution of this

im just expected to go with the flow

Which is the best thing to do.

Bride wants to include you in social stuff = OP wants a day alone.

OP might have to spend a few hours alone = Bride is a bad friend/thoughtless.

Do you not see how you are being quite confusing here?

Are you okay alone or not? You sound like you are just going to object to everything now because you feel slightly “demoted” in this friendship trio.

Exactly this!

She's not forcing you to get a 7am flight nor to go to a welcome party. You have total autonomy to do as you please, book a later flight, skip the party. But it's a bit rich to at the same time get peed off that you're at risk of being billy no mates and being left out/not being considered. Too much hard work.

ax, I wish I'd spotted this before I typed my response, it says everything I was trying to, 100 times better and clearer - and was already there. @Vistada this is the kindest and most helpful reply I've seen on here in a long time and I really hope OP is able to reflect on it

Your focusing on the the 'negative' might happen's that anxiety makes you think of

What about all the 'positive' might happen's

You might go to the hen doo and make good friends with a whole bunch of new people

You might go to the welcome drinks and meet the man of your dreams

It might turn into the holiday of a lifetime

Anything 'could' happen , try to change our mindset round ( which is hard with anxiety) but it could be amazing!!

You can play it safe and not go, or take a change of an adventure and to meet new people and go , it's going to be what you make of it

If you go with anxiety then you won't enjoy it , if you go thinking anything could happen it will

To be honest it sounds dreadful. Forced so called fun with a bunch of people I didn't know. I'd give the whole thing a miss, it's not worth the stress and awkwardness.

Your going to the hen do, surely you'll make friends there to chat to whilst your friend goes off for photos etc? Sit with them during ceremony etc.

Thank you. This has been kind and really helpful x