Friend’s Wedding Abroad…

[RichTea90]

Hi everyone, I hope you are well.

I’ve been invited to a friend from my postgraduate course’ wedding abroad in Croatia this August. I got the invite last year. I’m part of a “trio” of 2 other female friends and one of them is the bride. I very excitedly accepted the wedding invite, and myself and our other friend have booked an airbnb for one week. I was very excited, and happy to be going with our other friend too as its non-plus ones for us, and I don’t really know her other friends or family (though I’m invited to the hen do in June)

I met up with our other friend over the weekend, and she told me that our bride friend asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. This really upset me. I used to live near to them but I had to relocate due to my relationship ending at the time. It meant that the two of them grew closer together, and I was left out a lot of the time due to the distance. I kept going to visit the two of them when I could, but neither of them visited me.

I completely spiralled with overthinking and worrying at the weekend. It’s bringing so much up for me like I am not good enough, I’m not a valued friend, I’ve been singled out etc etc.

she has already selected 4 other bridesmaids last year, and our friend being a 5th was a later decision that was made a month ago. I feel a bit blindsided by it. It also means that on the morning of the wedding, I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc. I do struggle with anxiety anyway and that’s my own stuff that I’m receiving therapy for currently. This has put a large black cloud over the upcoming hen do and wedding for me and tbh, I really don’t feel like going anymore. I just have images of me really struggling with anxiety the whole time, and feeling alone and left out.

am I being completely irrational and unreasonable here? I feel completely horrible and don’t want to upset my friends or take away from her special day either.

p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

Refreshing 🤣 thanks

I don’t think you should go. You’ll be doing the bride and your other friend a favour if you don’t. You sound like really really hard work.

Baffled as to why her wedding needs to be arranged to account for your feelings - your feelings are no more important than anyone else’s and you are one of many guests.

Honestly, get over yourself you sound totally insufferable.

You sound like a true delight!

i can imagine feeling similar if say you were attending a wedding with your partner and last minute he is invited to be best man - best man's wife is usually a sucky position where you get to sit on your own most of the day, maybe even with a few kids, whilst partner spends day with his mate.

it could be 100% fine with only bridesmaid being off, the morning of the wedding and then sit with you at meal.

or it may be a whole "BRIDE TRIBE" and you spend most of the holiday alone.

you don't know until you get there unfortunately, so its tricky.

with a best man/partner you can just INSIST he is with you for majority of time (within reason - ie he tells Groom he wants to sit with you at meals etc) but you can't do that with a mate.

Why post in AIBU if you're adamant that you're in the right?

You're not btw.
You sound dramatic as hell and hard work.

I've been in a vey similar situation myself OP, although this wedding was in the UK. Group of 3 friends, one getting married and the other a bridesmaid. (I did not get asked to be bridesmaid which was absolutely fine, we'd drifted apart a bit and would have been surprised to be asked.) Did not know anyone else at the wedding, so found myself floating about before the ceremony which was really awkward as I'm not good at small talk/mingling. Also, the bride and bridesmaid were away having photos/pics for an hour or so after the ceremony so I found myself floating around again trying not to look like a loner. Would never do this again, however once all the formalities were done I did have a good evening/night.

But at least you'll know people from the hen if you do go!

Agree, I think you ditching your friend for a week (regardless of if you pay), is actually much worse. Youve mentioned about the b2b not thinking of your feelings of being ‘alone’, well if you ditch your other friend (5th bm) she will be alone for a week - imho this is wayyyy worse on your part.

i don’t discount your feelings on ten dynamic change but this isn’t 5th BMs fault. And as much as i think it would have been nice for the b2b have considered what this last minute change would mean for you all, i do think your anxiety has got the better of you in this situation and i think you should talk this through with your therapist before you make any rash decisions that have the potential to end your friendships.

I agree with you.

I will discuss it with her.

I probably will still attend, but I need to figure out a plan as to how I can manage my anxiety while I am there.

Thank you for sharing - this is exactly what I am worrying will happen if I’m honest… and it’s not like I can just slip off early and go home… I’ll be surrounded by all her family and friends and just feel a bit of an outsider. I do think it’s a bit unfair not to allow plus ones, but again I accepted the invite under the impression I’d have a bit of a wing woman!

i'd investigate the set up of the venue? if its a large hotel then one can always "go for a walk" and find a comfy chair to sit in for an hour and read your kindle on your phone during the "mingle for an hour/Photos" part.

if after the meal there is still a bridesmaid gang going on and you are on your tod, of course you can leave early "with a headache"

First of all, I can empathise in why you feel the way you do about the actual wedding event.
That said, you and your friend arranged a week away together, you feel hurt that things have changed, but the only thing that has changed is she's committed to being a bridesmaid on that day.

The rest of the week will be exactly the same, she will be with you at receptions and beaches just the way she would have been, and if you cancel you are leaving HER high and dry for a whole week, and not just a few hours.

You are very keen to say how they haven't considered your feelings, but if you cancel you are doing a lot worse.

I would treat it like a weeks holiday with your friend where she has commitments for a few hours and bite the bullet.
But no matter how many folk try to tell you it's not a personal slight to YOU but because the bride is close to your friend and wants her as BM, you seem to think she shouldn't have done it.

So yes since you asked, you are unreasonable.

I do have to agree on one point.

It is kind of odd to give a no partner invite when the wedding is abroad and you're hopefully aware that the invitee is in a serious relationship.

Except your whole thread is about how you don't want to go now ...

The most shocking part of this thread is that this person was invited at all 😂

Aw shucks thank you!

Are you rude or what?

😬

I'm outgoing and sociable and I wouldn't relish this event at all. I'm being honest. I wouldn't enjoy drifting round like a spare part, separate from my friends in the bridal party.
I do a lot of things on my own...camp, run, hillwalk, travel. I am not afraid of being alone. I enjoy it. I choose it.
Not at a four day wedding though.
Certainly wouldn't use a week of annual leave to do it.

That’s exactly how I feel…

Some posters have got quite carried away on this thread OP...it's a pile-on.
A different day and you'd get replies supporting you.

The most shocking part of this thread is that this person was invited at all 😂

From someone up there...
How random and nasty. Doesn't know you from a stranger in the street but feels at liberty to impart that. So self-assured - that's the attraction of a pile-on.
Leave them to it and make your own mind up. This thread has not been very useful. x

Thank you. I’m glad someone else has noticed it and not just me. I honestly feel completely targeted!! Thread hasn’t been useful at all bar some helpful and understanding responses.

You asked aibu, but then getting annoyed with people when they say yes. Any suggestions you seem to knock down. Not everyone is going to agree with you.

Yes - you’re right…

What we're you hoping the responses would be OP?

Also wondering this. Hope you manage to go to the wedding and have a nice time, OP.