Friend’s Wedding Abroad…

[RichTea90]

Hi everyone, I hope you are well.

I’ve been invited to a friend from my postgraduate course’ wedding abroad in Croatia this August. I got the invite last year. I’m part of a “trio” of 2 other female friends and one of them is the bride. I very excitedly accepted the wedding invite, and myself and our other friend have booked an airbnb for one week. I was very excited, and happy to be going with our other friend too as its non-plus ones for us, and I don’t really know her other friends or family (though I’m invited to the hen do in June)

I met up with our other friend over the weekend, and she told me that our bride friend asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. This really upset me. I used to live near to them but I had to relocate due to my relationship ending at the time. It meant that the two of them grew closer together, and I was left out a lot of the time due to the distance. I kept going to visit the two of them when I could, but neither of them visited me.

I completely spiralled with overthinking and worrying at the weekend. It’s bringing so much up for me like I am not good enough, I’m not a valued friend, I’ve been singled out etc etc.

she has already selected 4 other bridesmaids last year, and our friend being a 5th was a later decision that was made a month ago. I feel a bit blindsided by it. It also means that on the morning of the wedding, I’ll just be on my own getting ready and making my way over etc, and none of this has been explained to me etc. I do struggle with anxiety anyway and that’s my own stuff that I’m receiving therapy for currently. This has put a large black cloud over the upcoming hen do and wedding for me and tbh, I really don’t feel like going anymore. I just have images of me really struggling with anxiety the whole time, and feeling alone and left out.

am I being completely irrational and unreasonable here? I feel completely horrible and don’t want to upset my friends or take away from her special day either.

p.s. I’m not really big on hen dos, and the whole bridal party/bridesmaids things personally. I find it all quite toxic and just full of drama.

and at what point has anyone shown that they don't respect or care for you?
@AnneLovesGilbert post was spot on not rude.

One of the first post was right - the bridesmaid choice isn't a comment on your worth or value as a person. You're just not as close as the other two- you told us why. I'm not sure what you were expecting to be "explained" to you. That happens in any friendship.

I get that it will have yaken the shin off things for a minute but you can go, or not go, but don't spin yourself a narrative about being disrespected.

Why don't you make it into a holiday with your partner? You have the Air BnB already, so they could come along and keep you company, and find something to entertain themselves whilst you are at the wedding.

i Can’t really see any issues, it’s her wedding and her choice. It sounds like you don’t want to go by your negativity so consider cancelling, especially if you’ll be negative or grumpy whilst you’re away.

The bride has only been thoughtless in so far as she doesn’t have time to consider what each and every guest will be thinking / doing in the lead up to the wedding. You are imagining that she would have thought about what you would do for the few hours your other friend is doing bridesmaid duties while you are not but I can’t see a situation where a bride would have given this much thought. It’s a few hours, you can read a book, go for a swim, do whatever.

You really seem to be overreacting. Probably best for both you and the bride for you to walk away, you sound quite high maintenance and not compatible with the friend generally. Why should she NOT have multiple events for her wedding? Weddings are pretty much the only time in one’s life you can bring all friends and family together, especially if many live far away from where you do, and I can see why a couple would want to maximise that time.

This. Plus being a bridesmaid looks fabulous on Instagram but is actually a PITA. You can wear something lovely, get changed in your own time and enjoy the day. Step out of your comfort zone and give it a go. You might be pleasantly surprised.

You are really going to drop your mate in it, you are concerned about not getting ready together but if you don’t go she will be staying on her own for the whole week, I actually think you are being quite selfish.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Yes I agree with this. Seems to be a lot of flouncing and catastrophising on your part OP. Maybe work through it with your therapist and see if you can refashion your thinking?

What don't you understand about OP not wanting to attend the wedding on her own, when previously the plan was to attend with her friend who will now be a bridesmaid, meaning the friend will be spending wedding time with the bride and not OP? And OP doesn't know anyone else going.

Exactly… and it’s in a foreign country!

I agree with the other posters, and think you’ve been extremely unreasonable. I can’t add much that’s not already been said, but I think your offer to pay for the airbnb is not so much rooted in altruism more as to make your friend feel beholden to you during the time away. I also wonder if part of it is hoping that by staying with your friend it will bring you closer together and rearrange the dynamic of your trio in your favour.

I don’t think anyone has been rude to you at all.

I suspect it will end - or at least cool - your relationships with these two girls if you don't go. Perhaps not for the reasons you think. It is really not down to either of them to manage your needs and wants. I’d go for what it’s worth, you’ll be proud of yourself for doing that in spite of your anxiety and have some lovely memories to boot. From experience of going to destination weddings people are much more open and relaxed as they feel like they're on holiday so you'll find there's always someone to hang out with or someone that wants to do something. I'd far rather go to a destination wedding by myself than a wedding here where I knew no one but the bride.

It might mean she may get dressed by herself on the morning, i don’t get why it means she will be alone for the rest of the day or the entire week?? Bridesmaids are not glued to the bride 24/7.

You really seem to want to attack my character in your response by the looks of things when you really don’t know me at all so have no right or basis to assume my actions are non-altruistic.

I still think it’s a big ask to expect people to come to your destination wedding, especially young single female guests who know no one, and in a different country as well. As far as I was aware, I was going to be traveling to the wedding with my friend. It looks like I’m going on my own now.

This post is about the fact that I was invited to my friend's wedding under the proviso I was going with a mutual friend. This is now no longer happening, and I wasn’t even informed by the bride. It was a last minute change in the last month. I think I have a right to feel upset. The dynamics have changed. Had I of known this in the beginning, I probably would have politely declined the invitation. It’s now put me in an awkward spot.

"I have feelings, and my feelings matter and are important too. I am meant to be a friend, and the very nature of friendships is that we care and respect one another."

I think you should turn this around and think - how can I show care and respect for my friends?

Not by leaving one friend alone in an Airbnb for a week when she'd been expecting to have a fun week with you and doesn't know many of the other guests. Imagine her anxiety of a week alone compared to your couple of hours alone one morning!

And not by not showing up for the bride and being positive and happy to celebrate her wedding.

Reframe your thinking - these are good friends of yours, how can you help them have a good time, and be a positive part of the experience for all of you? Perhaps you could offer to take on a task, or buddy up with someone else who also doesn't know anyone. Ask the bride what you can do to help out. Make your presence positive, not a drain. And enjoy doing it!

And it's a three day shebang

See, I just disagree…. I personally wouldn’t do this to my friends or expect it from them for the sake of my wedding day. I think it is selfish.

as far as my friend goes, she will be involved with the bridal party - for which there is 4 of them plus the bride. She won’t be on her own! She’ll be well looked after by them! Why is it now my responsibility to suck it up and now look after my friend as well? 😵‍💫

This is just becoming a massive thing… all for a wedding!

Exactly

Do what? I'm not sure what you think they've done to you personally, or what is selfish?

Having recently got married, our girls get ready room had bridesmaid and non bridesmaids there... a lot of guests had hair and make up too so maybe with it being destination she may have a less formal vision of the morning... maybe check, explore the thinking around the morning before making any decisions?

This post is about the fact that I was invited to my friend's wedding under the proviso I was going with a mutual friend.

You're still going with a mutual friend. Sure she's a bridesmaid now and will get her pix taken and a few other things, but sure you can cope, even if it's a - gasp! - foreign country. You're fearing the worst instead and often these things can be nowhere as bad as that and often a nice step out of your comfort zone that makes you feel more confident. If your friend suddenly dropped out then I'd understand, but she'll still be there and not that much has changed really. I think you're overreacting and also underestimating yourself. See it through.

Good GOD what a way to make it all about you 😂

Yeah please don't do this, I got a bit of second hand embarrassment reading that.

@RichTea90 she won't be alone for the wedding and the other two gatherings/parties. She'll be on her own the rest of the time. You're finding it hard at the prospect of spending 30 minutes alone at the wedding (which you won't be alone for as you'll have met other guests previously) so your answer is to leave your friend alone for at least 4 days. If you don't see anything wrong with that then that's on you but the majority of people on here won't agree with you.

This event is too much for you with your current anxiety issues.

Too long, too many variables, not enough support.

But it has always been a three day shebang. The only thing that's changed is that you may now have to spend some time on your own on one of those days. Though hopefully not - in my experience, as always being the single attendee, people try and make you feel very welcome.

If you don't want to go anymore, that is of course absolutely fine and your decision. But don't conflate the issues when sending your apologies. If you start saying it's because it's a three day wedding abroad, you're likely to create some ill-feeling.

With all due respect, no one is here to pander to your anxiety and selfishness.

Either get over it and go, or don't.

The wedding isn't about you, and you making it about you is really an off putting trait to have in a 'friend.'

Yes the dynamics change, that tends to happen in big life events like weddings.

You moan and say you don't feel good enough as you haven't been asked, then go on to say you don't want to be bridesmaid.
Unless the 5th bridesmaid says 'I don't want to be bridesmaid to my close friends wedding because @RichTea90 has anxiety and doesn't feel good enough' you won't be happy.

You sound incredibly difficult, stubborn, and lack any accountability.
There's no point in trying to be 'kind' on this thread so you lash out with unkind replies saying you're being attacked, so there's my POV. Do you often think people are singling you out and attacking you, when in reality they are doing what's best for them? Not everything is about you or an attack on you all the time. If you do feel like this, then you need to work on this.

The world doesn't revolve around you and your anxiety. Yes friends should take other people's feelings into consideration, but not at the expense of the brides wishes on her once in a lifetime day.