To ask son to pay for his food?

[twinklemoon]

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

I paid £25 a week st 16 years old when I esrnt £50 a week..I now at 46 years old own outright my own home and i managed by saving up for years whilst paying minimal rent and paying towards my mums weekly shop. You can do it and no I don't have a fantastic paying job, I went without holidays and going out, and new clothes for years. Your son is 20 he's not a child.

I think £300 a month is the right amount. Probably £200 of that would go on food so really very tiny contribution.

Yes of course you should ask him to pay for his own food

If you don't eat what he eats and he can't eat what you eat it won't be difficult to implement either. You just don't buy the brands he will only eat. Let him know in advance that you're stopping buying them of course.

No wonder he's still living at home while earning £900 a month. Why are you enabling him to never be independent?
Whatever he earns charge him 50% of it. He has more than enough left over to save something to get his own place and pay his phone, clothes, socialising etc.
On months he earns more than £900, you can put the extra amount into savings for him if you don't need it.

You need to charge rent to cover all additional costs he creates...so not for accommodation (you would pay that anyway); but for bills, food etc that increase with his presence. He also needs to pay you council tax 25% as you would have a 25% reduction without his presence 👍. Come up with a figure that covers all expenses he creates. He wants branded food...he can buy his own 🤷

When I was his age my parents did what I'm suggesting. I was fuming!!! as they could afford to pay for me 🙈. I'm now 42 and I totally agree...it was the right thing for them to do 👍. You are struggling...he is an ADULT. And he will never leave if you pay all his expenses. His income wouldn't even cover rent and bills in the North on his own; never mind the south. You are teaching him responsibility by passing living expenses on & he needs to get out there and earn more to pay his way. He will never do that while your subsidising him and will still be at home at 30. Charging him rent is helping you, but more importantly helping him as he will have to go better his working situation if he wants to maintain the same lifestyle 👍. It's time to show him the real world 😉 Tough love mum...you can do it ❤️

I'd say £300 a month would be reasonable then he needs to manage his finances from there. So save when his wage is higher.

How about a contribution based on a percentage of his monthly income?

Then you can ride out the fluctuations in his income.
If I left my son to buy all his own food I wouldn't like to say what his diet may look like 😂

I have a 17 yr old who works p/t at macdonalds as well as college. He actually volunteered to give me "lodge" when he started work. He earns between £120 and £150 a week and I said 10% was appropriate. As I dont need it I am able to save it for him(he doesnt know I do) but he thinks hes contributing. I think its massively important to teach your older children they need to pay their way. My older children all did except my daughter who is now 32, on 55k a yr and cannot manage her money to save her life. Shes always skint and I put it down to not learning early on. She chose to move to her dads rather than contribute to our household. (Back in the day I was a single parent and could have done with her helping out a bit). So in answer to the question, your son should be giving you something like £200/250 a month towards your household costs, minimum imo.

"Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?"

He's early 20s. He's earning. OF COURSE he should be contributing to his keep, FFS!

Parenting is not just about giving them the best childhood you can, it is also about teaching them how to be an adult, preparing them for independence. Subsidising them to your own financial detriment - in what way does that prepare children for independent life?

Sit down together and crunch the numbers. Frankly, he should be offering dig money. Or maybe, since he's not eating what you're eating, he should be shopping for his own food - another move towards learning to be independent.

Expand your parenting to encompass training-to-be-an-adult!

Charge him £50/week, use some of it and tuck the rest away into a savings account then you can give him a lump sum when he moves out.

My 19 yr old ds lives at home and is on an apprentice wage - he buys his own food and I didn't really need to ask. He eats a lot! Lots of protein, so I'm very glad he sorts it out himself. He also cooks most of it.

Hes 20. Even if you took £200 that's £700 he'd have left. That's still £150+ a week left for him self which is a fair bit and still a decent amount.

Or the other option is he pays for his own food. The cost of thingsbis crazy and at one time I'd of never took money off mine. But like you I'd be struggling to make sure he had everything and he'd be just wasting his money on stupid stuff or paying for his friends because he knew I was picking up the slack. Now things are just a ridiculous price. It's not on if he doesn't chip in, he can't help having sensory issues, if and when he moves out he'll get a shock at how much it costs. You deffo need to have that conversation. Mine once I spoke to him was like just take what you need I don't mind because he didn't like that I was struggling. X

Why don't you simply suggest that, since he's bothered by what he eats, he buys it himself?

My DS is 20, was kicked out of Uni for not attending exams let alone lectures a year ago. I gave him 6 months rent free. Now he pays his share of the bills, £50 rent per week and he buys and cooks his own food. He has not got a job although now earns money from making TikTok videos.
I feel it is important he contributes, and has an incentive to earn and be independent.

Why are you reticent to ask him to contribute?

He's in his twenties and all he pays is a few quid towards electricity? He needs to start living in the real world...

I didn't fully read your question but half way through your post thought the best solution is he buys his own food. He's earning enough, and is old enough to start learning these things

Time for him to do his own food/toiletries etc etc shopping, cooking, washing and ironing as well as contributing to energy bills.

This. But also sit down with him and have a straightforward talk about how the cost of living is affecting you and how he needs to step up and start to take some responsibility. If he throws a strop, wait to see if he calms down and then takes on board what you've said. If he doesn't, suggest he finds a place of his own where he can eat what he likes (and pay for it and the heating and the rent etc, etc!).

How about a percentage of his monthly income for rent and a set amount for food and bills. So it varies depending on what he's been paid.

He should give you a decent whack of his salary, you are being too soft.

Yanbu at all to ask for contributions to the house. At £900 a month I would think at least £50 a week fair? He will have £700 just for him, which he wouldn't have if paying rent, bills, food etc. He's considered a grown up now, he can't rely on you to pay for everything. When I moved home for a year after university I paid what I could every week.

Your son has specific foods he insists upon, then he should buy them himself, explain to him in this climate you simply can't afford to be fussy about brands.
You should also ask for a contribution towards rent-having a variable income should not mean he pays nothing , if his income varies between 600-1200 then £250-300 would be quite reasonable.

I wonder if he is aware as usually they chat to friends about this stuff. He may know but think u can afford to subsidise him . As parents we are guiding them towards a time we are no longer here. It’s testing them with a safety net so they can function properly alone . He needs to pay up as your quality of life is being affected because you are enabling him . Learning life lessons is tough but they help further develop skills that are needed as an adult.

Sounds like he is a fussy eater. Just make him buy his own food and then you won't have to subsidise him.