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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask son to pay for his food?

158 replies

twinklemoon · 26/03/2024 11:10

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

OP posts:
Dartwarbler · 29/03/2024 21:45

Ok, time for you to say you’ll be charging rent. I’d work on £50 a week for groceries (food, cleaning stuff etc), and a £50 for bill contribution inc rent/mortgage . That’ll come in at £420 a month.
So about half his average wage.
BUT- I’d be looking at my own budget in detail to determine what I spent on him, and set it out so he can see how much his liv g expenses at home are costing. Share the details of all your outgoings and bills. so that £100 may not be quite right.

Then l’d then be saying

  1. So, this is what you’re going to charge him, in light of your expenses
  2. you WILL increase this annually on anniversary he started work in assumption he has pay rise, or if he changes job/ takes on more work that’d involve wage increases - you’ll have to keep tabs on this,
  3. He will have to pay for all his own spent expenses like food you don’t get, phone, clothes - you cannot provide anything else.
  4. that if he thinks it’s too much, then he MUST present you with a written clear budget on what his income vs expenses are over next 12 months, and why he can’t pay you this, and what he calculates is a fair sum- this will make him actually sit done and work out where he’s spending money and teach him basics of budgeting . Tell him you can help him if needed to learn to do this.
  5. and possibly set expectations that he cannot live with you long term at those sort of “mum bank discount “prices, he must work to stand on his own feet and becoming independent by house sharing etc.
  6. fyi only: make sure you include in your budget, needing to start putting more away for your pension now he should be independent- don’t be he of the 35% of women with a gender pension gap and pension poverty

BUT, I would give him 6 weeks notice of this change. That gives him 6 weeks to get a budget, get his head around these expectations. Or to move out if he doesn’t like it and can’t be arsed to make a budget to counter your calculation with! If he does do a budget and he counters your charges, then do negotiate as he is moving forwards then to responsible fiscal management !

You can always pop some of it away in savings for him later on, when he does move out.

Dartwarbler · 29/03/2024 21:47

Abouttimeforanamechange · 29/03/2024 15:43

Even if a house is paid for someone has had to pay for it, so it would be fair to pay to use it and towards upkeep. House insurance, for example, will generally increase with more residents living in the property.

And wear and tear on furnishings, appliances etc will be greater if more people are using them. An adult man is likely to be harder on furniture than a woman, simply because he is bigger and heavier.

Council tax also - if she’s on her own she’d get 25% discount ..so that needs to be charged to him.

Cornishclio · 29/03/2024 21:49

Tell him to shop for his own food. He is an adult and if he can afford branded luxury snacks he can buy his own meals too. Have you pointed out that you are struggling? If it is just you and your son he should be paying 50% of the electric bill and at least 25% of council tax as you cannot claim the single person discount and 100% of his food provisions given he does not eat the same as you. Point out he is not paying rent.

PumpkinPie2016 · 29/03/2024 21:52

I think it is absolutely OK to ask him to contribute by paying for his food.

Unfortunately, things are very expensive at the moment and I assume all of your bills have gone up.

It doesn't need to be mean/awkward, just sit down with him and explain that because everything has gone up so much, you need him to contribute to his food/the household.

In the longer term, if/when he decides to find a place of his own, it will be much easier on him if he is used to budgeting.

Dartwarbler · 29/03/2024 21:54

concernedchild · 26/03/2024 13:44

@literalviolence implausible or just outside of what you do? Our electricity bill is around £120pm. 4 adults. We're just careful about what we use and when we do things.

This is so much about insulation, age of boiler, type of house in terms of fuel bills.
yes, if someone has heating going flat out at room temps of 21 then it will cost more
BUT, I still pay same on my 1960s dormer bungalow than I did on my 1950 2 story family house, and it’s down to really shit insulation in the dormer roof. Can’t afford to fix it as no space in void so whole roof would need to come off form outside, and possibly major adjustments to get amount of insultstion in needed.

I currently run my home, 1 person, at 18 degrees heating in rooms I’m in during day and 17 in bedroom (1 room switched off completely), and I pay a frigging £2200 a year on a good deal that was fixed for 3 year , in Oct 21 before the hefty price rises. Christ knows what it’ll go up to in September 🤯😱

so, it’s not always about being sanctimoniously “careful”. I’m a pensioner and have to be very careful. I didn’t realise, when I moved here to downsize, I was moving into a shitty plywood tent upstairs. Hey ho…

Chocolatepeanutbuttercupsandicecream · 29/03/2024 22:04

Could you charge him a percentage (say 25-30%) of his wages each month? Or else he totally takes over shopping for his own food. It doesn’t help young people to keep a whole wage each month, as they get used to having it, and then struggle when they have their own homes and bills.

Gettingonmygoat · 29/03/2024 22:09

He is an adult so i really don't see why you have to ask if it is ok. Why are parents so scared to ask their adult children to contribute i will never know.

Abovedeckdeck · 29/03/2024 22:16

Wooloohooloo · 29/03/2024 21:26

Why is his income so low and unpredictable? 18 year old DS works full time and is on minimum wage for his age and he takes home around £1200 (and pays £200 a month board).

My DC also has an income that varies between £900 and £1400 due to being on a zero hours contract. I wish the government would do something about these contracts but it was the only job they could find.

Saintmariesleuth · 29/03/2024 22:23

I'm sorry that you're struggling OP- but you are not unreasonable to charge your adult son an appropriate amount to help cover household costs (a completely reasonable expectation of any functioning adult in my opinion).
I would sit down with him, go through the household costs and bills and explain that you now need to charge him £x per month to help cover these

TheSilenceofTheMajority · 29/03/2024 22:43

For gods sake, why on earth wouldn’t you ask him - a working, wage earning adult - to pay for his own living expenses?
Even if you are determined to put his needs above your own - don’t you think he needs to be gently prepared for standing on his own two feet eventually?

Sundownmemories · 29/03/2024 22:46

twinklemoon · 26/03/2024 11:10

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

Not at all unreasonable! He should be paying board and his own food if that’s not part of the deal. Tell him how much his food costs and how much yours costs and that he has to pay. It’s easy for people to only want brands when they’re not the one paying. I appreciate he may have sensory issues but at his age that’s really not your problem anymore and you might even find he can tolerate his sensory issues a lot more when he’s paying himself.
Offer him a deal of paying for his board and food or board only and he pays for his own food. When I lived at home I paid board and my parents provided food in with the price but they bought what they wanted and cooked what they wanted so if they were having something I didn’t like or I wanted something in particular I would buy that myself.

BreakingAndBroke · 29/03/2024 22:52

It should occur to a 20yo with £1200 in his pocket at the end of a month to contribute to the household pot.

caringcarer · 29/03/2024 22:58

He could pay you £50 week to cover his food and electric.

Baba197 · 29/03/2024 23:12

He should def be giving you money towards food or buying the branded stuff he likes himself, also paying half council tax and half gas/electric/water as a minimum

Scalby · 29/03/2024 23:19

Early twenties means he's earning at least minimum wage, why is he not working full time? You're enabling him to live a very comfortable existence on a pittance. Imagine the shock he'd get if something happened to you.
Unless there's a huge drip-feed coming, you are doing him a great disservice. If you make him pay his way fully it might encourage him in lots of ways, not just coughing up a few quid to get branded foods.

Daisyblue77 · 29/03/2024 23:25

£400 a month is reasonable. You are doing him no good letting him freeload

redalex261 · 29/03/2024 23:38

Absolutely should be taking a reasonable amount of dig money off him, and not to save up to gift to him when he moves out but to pay for his very real expenses. As you are the only other adult in the household you don’t have the luxury of subsidising him, and doing so teaches him nothing of the realities of life. He should be contributing to groceries, heating/fuel and at least 25% of council tax bill - if you lived alone you would immediately save that amount.

The flim flam about sensory issues and particular brands - if he’s going to be chipping into your grocery budget but won’t eat the same food, change it to him buying and cooking own groceries. Still take the council tax and something to the gas/electric though! He will quickly consider downshifting to cheaper brands if paying for them himself. If he’s been in further education until recently you’ve been helping him out for a long time so he does need to become self financing at his age. Is there a reason his earnings are so low? He can’t be working full time hours if this is all he is taking home. It’s unreasonable for a twenty-something young adult with no limitations on him not to be working full time hours and instead carry on living off his parent.

Threeboysadogacatandakitten · 30/03/2024 00:02

Ds1 and 2 payed £400 a month. Ds1 would happily pay more but I think ds2 felt a little hard done by at times until he bought his own house last year. His electricity has been hugely more expensive than he expected and he’s had to increase his food budget twice already. Thankfully he hadn’t got used to having his entire wage to himself and I was able to give him something back towards his house. Ds3 (17) is still at school but has had a job for the last 18 months. He is very well paid but funds his own driving and music lessons so isn’t expected to contribute. He knows once he turns 18 he will be paying the same as his brothers.

imtryingtoleave · 30/03/2024 00:30

literalviolence · 26/03/2024 13:41

You posted an implausible cost on a public forum. Of course you don't have to answer any follow up questions but people are going to have them especially int the context of a col crisis in which many people can't afford their electric bills. If you've got some great provider or way of living which enables your bills to be so much lower than other people's, of course we're going to be interested!
I'm guessing you live with loads of other people to get the standing charge and every bit of electric you use to such a low amount?

Yes it has to be fair but to be fair we have to be honest about what electric, and other bills, really cost. It's really easy for young people to dramatically underestimate bills and then not pay a fair amount at all.

Show quote history

she lives of her parents though buys her food lol and sounds a right tight arse saying that she hardly uses any electric,sounds like a brat tbh and has no problem letting somebody pay for her
she will find it very differrent when mummy and daddy are not paying for her

DorisDoesDoncaster · 30/03/2024 00:50

At the age of 47 my friend recently had to inform her adult son that she was downsizing from their two bedroom rented house, as she could only afford to pay for herself.

Her 25 year old son was horrified that he could no longer live rent and bills free, despite earning more than she does and having savings, whereas she does not.

He was not interested in keeping their home so has now moved in with his girlfriend.

Flyhigher · 30/03/2024 00:56

As long as you fund him, he'll never try for a better paying job. Charge him rent and bills inc food.

Flyhigher · 30/03/2024 00:57

Stop buying him branded food. He will soon buy his own.

CheeryBunny · 30/03/2024 06:37

twinklemoon · 26/03/2024 11:10

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

£600, his lowest income, is not low. £100 board needs to be charged. He should also contribute to groceries, tell him to go shopping with you, his sensory issues obviously don't stop him doing his own shopping. Tough love ❤️

PeacefulSJ · 30/03/2024 07:23

So you are not teaching him life by now charging him.

I'd be honest and say, I can't afford luxuries or treats and life financially is tough so here is the deal. I need £200 a month please to be reviewed in 6 months .

Job done .

Johnoc · 30/03/2024 07:32

I don't believe you know what you're talking about. My grandson lives with us and pays the equivalent of 50 pounds a week and buys some of his own food. He is happy to do this.