To ask son to pay for his food?

[twinklemoon]

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

You need to find a new system for your finances OP, that's not unreasonable!
You're not doing your son any long term favours by not charging him. He'll only be in for 1 hell of a shock when he moves out and reality catches up to him!

I earned around £600 pm and had a student loan top up, still contributed £200 per month board, he needs to be paying his way

Def ask for £100 a week min towards bills and food.

He is an adult who is earning, of course he should contribute to the utilities he uses and the food he eats.

Yes ask him.

We have a strong income in our household from my husband an I.
my 16YO has a job. He is paying us some of his money.

it’s not because we need it. It’s because he needs to learn about real life and real costs!
AND he needs to learn I’m not paying for him forever!

(what he doesn’t know is that the money is being tucked away for him - life lessons about savings and responsibilities will have been learnt before he gets it!)

if you need the contribution you DS should absolutely be contributing.

sit down and have a proper conversation about income, and household costs. If he doesn’t know he can’t understand.

I can't believe how many people with adult children at home live like this.

When I was 17 I was renting a house, doing all my own shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying the bills and budgeting my earnings from working. The thought of my mother shopping for branded items of food to the point of leaving herself short is incomprehensible.

I'm bemused that anyone would live like this.

He’s a grown adult and he needs teaching what it would be like in the real world if he moves out he’s going to have massive shock

My income at around the same age fluctuated month to month so my Mum made the rule 25% of my wage went to her. Always reasonable then and taught me to budget for it.

I'm usually of the opinion that people should allow their grown up kids at home to live on token minimum rent if they can possibly afford it, provided their kids are using the opportunity to save hard and are appreciative. In this scenario though he should definitely be either paying for food or buying it himself.

As he has finished full time education you would be doing him a disservice not to expect him to pay digs. Reducing his disposable income will encourage him to try to earn more, right now he has no motivation to do so.

The amount he pays should be a fixed minimum, say £350-400 to cover rent, utilities, council tax etc. If he only earns £900 (which is part time wages!) he needs to learn to budget and get a second or another job.

I think this just highlights how important it is to have the finance conversations with your children before they start full time employment and set out expectations from the start. It is worrying how many 20-somethings are treated like teenagers. Totally understandable if they can’t afford to move out but no it’s not ok to keep all their money to themselves whilst they see their parents struggling, and running a hotel for them

I have 2DC, one is in very similar circumstances but is younger (late teen). This DC pays 20% of income up to a max of £300 a month for everything (food and all bills). Generally, it works out to around £200 a month. I have also offered this as a set amount but DC is happy with current contribution. Older DC is studying but is funded, so has more money, they pay £300 a month for everything. I offered to lower it if they were struggling but again they are happy with this amount.

Off course YANBU. I have two 20+ DC at home, both saving for the future but living in an area with low wages, high property prices & a non existent rental market make it hard.

They both pay rent. One pays £50 a week if he's had income that week (variable hours on agency work) & the other pays a set monthly amount.

I don't suppose it covers their entire living cost but it definitely helps.

@concernedchild you don’t have to answer questions but because you are concerned with everything being fair, do you pay towards the actual cost of housing? Even if a house is paid for someone has had to pay for it, so it would be fair to pay to use it and towards upkeep. House insurance, for example, will generally increase with more residents living in the property.
Obviously, you don’t have to answer this question but do you really believe that when you move out your electricity bill will be 50p a week?

250 per month to cover food shopping and bills. He’s not going to get that anywhere else. He’s in his early twenties… what kind of husband do you think he will be if you enable him now? He will be a cock lodger.

Even if a house is paid for someone has had to pay for it, so it would be fair to pay to use it and towards upkeep. House insurance, for example, will generally increase with more residents living in the property.

And wear and tear on furnishings, appliances etc will be greater if more people are using them. An adult man is likely to be harder on furniture than a woman, simply because he is bigger and heavier.

I wouldn't focus on his issues by asking for money for food, but would definitely ask for a minimum 25% of average income for board.

Yes he should be buying his own food or contributing to the shopping bill.

He may stop buying so much branded food when it starts to hurt his pocket

My son same age lives at home in college and only on 850 per month and gives me 100 per week towards food/bills which is a big help as could not manage otherwise. We often treat each other to a rare takeaway. He needs to give you something a set weekly amount and also write down what he would be paying if he was renting his own place. I know I would survive on such a small amount of food but they are always hungry and I also have to buy gluten free/dairy free and expensive. Make that list and tell him this is how it is, keep it short and sweet but to the point. The little bit extra takes the pressure off and helps them to understand bills etc.

If he now works full time and in his 20s he should be contributing to the household costs, a set rent price per month, it will teach him to budget, I know his wage varies but that's life and needs to learn to budget to cover it. It isn't right he should be able to spend his wages on nice treats etc when you're struggling so much. He needs to help out financially.

Why is his income so low and unpredictable? 18 year old DS works full time and is on minimum wage for his age and he takes home around £1200 (and pays £200 a month board).

The minute I started work at 18 my parents charged me a token 'rent'. Everyone will have a different idea about how much is reasonable, and some keep the money aside for a house deposit later, but it's crazy to have a working child at home who pays nothing.......!!!

I think that many young people don't really know what it costs to run a house because when they are children their parents pay the bills and things like water, heating, power etc just happen.

I suggest you put together a budget of what you spend each month on keeping the house going, plus car costs if he uses yours, and your income, then have a conversation with him about what is a fair contribution for him to pay. If he doesn't accept he should have to pay anything you may have to insist,but he may just be a young person with no real idea of the cost of living and how much you earn.