To ask son to pay for his food?

[twinklemoon]

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

Why would it be considered mean to ask for an adult with an income to pay for the food they eat?

I agree with a previous poster that even better would be for him to take full responsibility for buying and cooking the food he wants and cleaning up after doing so.

He is in his 20s - he needs to be functional, independent adult. You need to view him less as your child and more as your adult lodger

If you lived alone, you would get 25pc single person discount on your council tax so I would also consider charging him for that additional cost as well as his share of energy bills.

He still has a great deal paying no rent and should be saving a considerable amount each month.

As of May 1st ask him to start paying £50 a week.

He should be fully functional, obviously doing his own laundry, cooking, cleaning and paying towards all of the household costs. Anything less is a disservice.

An adult in their early 20’s really needs to be learning about budgeting and the COL. You’re not really doing him any favors if he’s not at least paying for his food. If he doesn’t learn about the COL, it’ll be a massive shock in say five years when he wants to move out. Better to learn about budgeting gradually.

I think he should be paying digs.

I think if you ask for a flat amount then you're in danger of him thinking you are profiting from him. He won't be aware of bills that way. If you explain to him that half of the electricity bill is his because there are only two people living there, it might encourage him to switch heaters off. If he had to pay for his own food he might not waste any of it. Asking for a specific sum also doesn't force him to cope with the cost of living rise either.

I understand this to an extent, but you also need to be mindful of if this is true.

My parents could, for example, ask me to contribute 25% of the electricity costs.

But I'm not home all day. I only charge my phone and laptop once a day. The rest of the time I'm out of the house. It would be unfair to ask me to pay for their consumption, because they are home during the day and use the most electricity.

I was basing it on what the OP said about her bill doubling when he was home all day. Obviously if he's out all the time it would be different.

You do want the fridge still running while you're out though and I guess you also use the washing machine? If you want a full analysis of actual costs you need to go a little deeper into how the electricity is actually used.

I’m not actually sure that £50 a week would cover the brand name pre-made processed frozen food it sounds like this guys eats for his entire diet.

@literalviolence we sat down and did a deep look into it. I cost about 50p per week, compared to them being home all day, running the TB, computers etc

That seems very cheap if it genuinely includes the appropriate % of fridge costs, washing machine as well as the items you use (maybe hairdryer, laptop, phone charging). But perhaps you did work it out at that detail. What's a TB?

So you don't benefit from any heating? You think your washing, drying, washing up etc can be done for 50p per week?

@literalviolence typo I meant TV. I don't blow dry my hair, it costs something ridiculously low to charge your phone.

Do your future daughter/son in law a favour and teach him what it costs to run a home now.

Just a quick one OP, how much spending money do you have to spend on yourself on the months when your freeloading son “only” brings home £600 with no obligations to contribute to his living expenses?

If his income is so very variable then he needs to compromise, firstly by buying his own food so that you are not wasting your money on uneaten food, and secondly by giving you a set percentage of his earnings every month. 40% might be a starting point for negotiation.

When our Son started working in a part time job whilst he was still at School we advised him to split his money 50% bills, 20% saving, 30% day to day spends. When he started working full time his 50% bills was split 1/2 to us and 1/2 to an ISA. When he moved out he was used to having 50% of his wages be spent on "essentials" and it meant that he did not struggle where his flat mates found it harder. We worked the percentages on his basic rate of pay. Any overtime he did was his to do with as he wanted, although we suggested he saved half and spent half!

There is no reason an adult should be living free in a house where another adult is struggling to make ends meet.

Definitely not unreasonable! Once me and my sister were earning money my parents gave us the option of either paying a % of the food shops and they would continue doing the shopping or doing our own food shop, I think that’s really normal and I’d never expect my mum to be spending more to get branded things, if he wants those he can pay for them

You would be doing your son a disservice by not charging him some digs money. Please don't feel bad.

I’d be charging him £200 a month minimum for rent, and get him to buy his own food if he’s fussy.

I honestly don’t think it’s doing anyone a favour to let them live rent free - it comes as that much more of a shock when they eventually move out and find out what a roof over your head, heating, hot water, etc. actually cost.

If you don’t actually need all the rent money, you can always save some for him.

I remember when I left school in 2000 ad did a training course - all my mums benefits stopped for me. I was getting £45 a week and I had to give my mum £20, at the time I thought it was the most unreasonable thing ever. Now I think she had every right to ask me, single mum to 3 and needed that £20 which I no doubt cost her a hell of a lot more. Minimum he should be paying is £50 a week

I agree with pp it's basically poor parenting not to expect him to comtribute. At that kind of income level at least 80% of his income should be going into hos accommodation, bills and food so you absolutely should expecy him to put 80% of his pay aside - some coming to you and contributing to household costs, and if 80% is more than you need to make ends meet any excess should go into a savings account for him to use when he eventually moves out.

It's really bad for him to get used to spending 100% of his income on frivolity and luxuries. That's setting him up for a lifetime of crap financial management.

Does that include a % of the standing charge? it's very low l. I just looked up how much it costs to run a fridge and it's only, they say, around £1 a week so if there's 4 of you in the house that's 25p a week. Average standing charge is apparently 53p a day so pp if there are 4 of you, that's 93p a week each. So you'd really cost at least £1.18 a week before you turned on a light, watched TV, used a washing machine or any electric kitchen gadget or charged anything. I can't understand how you calculated it so low. I assume heating and cooking is entirely gas.

@literalviolence not that it's actually any of your business, but yes. My point was to remind a PP that it has to be fair.

I'm not sure if I missed it, but why is he doing so few hours that income is low and variable.
Is he saving? If not, I'd be coming down hard. Spreadsheet of ALL household bills, split 50:50.
If he is saving, I'd look at 70:30.
Each is responsible for personal bills , phone etc. If he thinks it's unfair, the door is at the front. Time for the man to grow up.