To ask son to pay for his food?

[twinklemoon]

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

You posted an implausible cost on a public forum. Of course you don't have to answer any follow up questions but people are going to have them especially int the context of a col crisis in which many people can't afford their electric bills. If you've got some great provider or way of living which enables your bills to be so much lower than other people's, of course we're going to be interested!
I'm guessing you live with loads of other people to get the standing charge and every bit of electric you use to such a low amount?

Yes it has to be fair but to be fair we have to be honest about what electric, and other bills, really cost. It's really easy for young people to dramatically underestimate bills and then not pay a fair amount at all.

@literalviolence implausible or just outside of what you do? Our electricity bill is around £120pm. 4 adults. We're just careful about what we use and when we do things.

I'm more confused now. 120pm is more than average electric bill but your part of it is £2 a month (50p a week) including 1/4 of the standing charge which on average would be £16 a month.

@literalviolence keep being confused then? I really don't care

Well the sums don't add up. OP I think the point about fairness is right but your son needs to be fair to you too and you need proper not fanciful figures to decide what fair is, I.e. actual bills, actual usage, actual food costs (and if he wants more expensive food, he should pay more than half).

He should be paying for his own food and making a contribution to other household costs, and also doing a fair share of the cooking/shopping/housework.

I charge my adult son a third of the utility bills. I buy regular groceries but if he doesn't want what we have he buys his own, and every couple of months or so he does a family weekly shop.

Not mean at all, but I don't understand why you didn't have this discussion with your son when he finished college. Who does he think is responsible for his living costs as an adult?

You are doing him NO favours by acting this way. How on earth will he learn to be a responsible adult if mummy still pays for everything and caters to every sensory need he has?

Unless he is unable to work / incapacitated / disabled and you’re his official carer, getting an allowance, then I don’t understand why you’re still treating him like a child and why he isn’t standing on his own 2 feet yet?

Get him to buy his own food -it's part of raising a young adult who can be independent in the world.

Also:
he will also not even touch things that are not branded.

This part is is choice, not sensory issues, surely?

If he's got sensory needs he may well have a disability. Did you mean to be so disparaging about "How on earth will he learn to be a responsible adult if mummy (...) still caters to every sensory need he has?"

OP said his sensory needs are genuine. Please don't be an ** about that bit.

Ask him for a percentage so that it goes up and down each month depending on his wages. You'll be doing him a huge favour for the future by making him realise the value of money and budgeting.

He's in for a shock when he moves out

Ask for the money

@twinklemoon any thoughts?

YANBU

If his sensory issues means he will only eat 'branded' food, I'm presuming fresh fruit and veg are not high on his agenda?
Definitely 100% he should buy and cook all his own food. He doesn't eat your cooking mostly anyway, does he?
If there's one family meal he likes you could still make that occasionally but he's an adult.
I was cooking and buying my own weekly food since 14. (Admittedly was given a modest budget at that age but aged 17 plus I paid for it all) It's a really good way of giving someone independence and budgeting skills.

Sensory issues have nothing to do with branded food, that's just being fussy and as such yes he should be paying for his own food plus giving you board for the electric and council tax.

There’s nothing to stop him catering to his own sensory needs by buying his specific food himself. That’s the beauty of independence and growing up; you can buy what you want.

Why you not charging rent....it's part of a parents job to teach budgeting so charging rent part of thAt for a working child...

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask for maybe £200/£250 per month. It seems a reasonable contribution, but also leaving him with some money of his own. I remember paying my parents £250 a month from my first ‘proper’
job salary - I earned £11.5k a year, and never felt so well off! 🤣🤣🤣

Charge £300 a month, put £100 in savings for him and use the rest cover food and bills?

My wages varied so i always paid 25% of that months wage.

That's a big fluctuation income it's double sometimes why OP? You shouldn't have to struggle I agree with others he needs to buy his own food.

I agree with PP’s that if he only eats certain brands, it would be far better for him to buy his own food so he realizes what it actually costs.

It’s up to him what he eats, but he needs to budget for it.

It is entirely reasonable for him to contribute to food/bills & rent. He has gone from no income as a student to 900-1200 a month. He doesn't even know what to do with that and is spending it on random.stuff.

I would take a % my folks asked for 30% so in my first job when I earned £9 a shift, I gave up £3. Then as I went to.college got full time work and progressed i was handing up 600 a month until I moved out. I think a % is good as if he earns a little less then he's benefiting and a little more you benefit.