To Hide Savings From DH

[AlwaysNonStop]

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

YANBU.

DH and I have completely separate bank accounts. We don't even have a joint one for bills. We just both pay a share of the bills without worrying whether it is entirely equal/proportionate.

Tbh, I don't know if DH has savings. He may have a couple of grand but he tends to fritter money away and doesn't save regularly so I doubt it would be more than that. He knows I have savings and probably thinks I have about £6K, although I actually have more like 10 times that amount. I don't think it matters that he doesn't know. We're married so if I die, he'll get a nice surprise; if we split up (unlikely after 25 years but you never know), then he'll be entitled to half anyway. Neither of us are going without. Part of the reason I keep my savings quiet is that DH had a poorer background growing up than I did, has fewer qualification, and earns less than I do. It's something that he feels a bit sensitive about so there's no need to rub it in. He'd find that level of savings slightly obscene. I also know that his pension will be a lot worse than mine (not that mine is much to write home about), so I know that I will be largely supporting both of us when we retire.

Didn’t have time or inclination to read the full post.
But it is fine for a woman to hide savings (or a pension - see recent thread) from her DP, but the other way round invokes LTB.
Simples. To help you with other posts, just remember that it’s always the man’s fault.

Wouldn't it make more sense for him to go PT and you FT?

You said you'd take on the debt so long as your child's dad doesn't see him? I'm a bit stuck on this. So he has zero contact? Really hope I've got this wrong as growing up without a dad is horrendous emotionally, even if you have a step dad.

Growing up with a shit Dad isn’t an improvement.

@x2boys
Yeah but in those days women didn't get equal pay and there was little in the way of a welfare system
In real life many people are struggling with bills ,most people. Can't just stash thousands away just in case
Sure things were different 40 years ago but the point was its not just mn that you here of stashing. I still hear it with my ( professional) colleagues. Also theses are the ones that have saved £1000's just in case.
A lot of people are struggling with money but not all.

It's MN so it works as "what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine"

Everyone should have savings for a rainy day. Male or female.

It does feel like you might have chosen this man because you can exercise some financial control over him though...

I’ve not voted as it isn’t clear cut. You are reasonable in your motivations to have the contingency fund however I think you should tell him. He trusts you with 60% of his earnings: I know where you are coming from as to why you’ve done this, however a result you are now in the position of being financially secretive with your partner, which is what exH did to you. Did you ever talk with a professional about the situation you were out in? I imagine he will completely understand (perhaps don’t call it your escape fund..!) - explain it’s completely about you and absolutely not about your finance

OP how about you sit him down and tell him you’ve noticed he doesn’t have much in the way of personal savings, let him know you’ve managed to save 15k for yourself over the last 10 years and offer to put some money into savings for him if he’s willing to increase the amount he contributes each month?

Tell him about the family savings too, so he’s clear that you have savings as a family, that your 15k is separate and that any money he saves will be his. Then he gets a choice and you keep your security (which you absolutely should have in your situation).

I do see an issue with not being transparent about finances and certainly about hiding family money from him. But, to me, it doesn’t look like your savings are family money. I think this way you get to keep the savings you’ve sensibly put effort into accumulating, you can be honest about the situation and stop babying him to some extent (which having secret savings you then use to cover holidays or boilers is, to some extent). You should probably also up the amount of family savings you’re putting away if you sometimes need to dip into your personal savings for things for the family.

You are not married. Keep your nest egg. Do not put it in children's names. 18 is too young to have access to hard earned cash. Too many temptations, drugs etc. Decrease what you are saving into nest egg and increase into joint savings till you feel it is right for you.

OMG for the hard of hearing here is what the op said.

She was divorced from a terrible man who treated her v badly was a gambler and abusive. He walked out on her when her son was 6mths with loads of debt he took out in her name unbeknown to her at the time.
Took her years to clear it, on the understanding he would not be in their sons life.

Been in a relationship for 10 years with DP her son was 4 yr old then.
Moved in after 6yrs have 5 yr old twins together.

He works full time comute 7 mls she works part time wfh.
Both have similiar salaries.
Both pay 60% of salaries to household into an account which pays for everything from household bills to holidays birthday gifts clothes Christmas etc.
Both are free to save from their remaining 40%.

OP will buy something she likes for their rental house from her 40% or from her savings or leftover salary and pays for her own fuel and ferries the children around in her car.
DP pays for his own fuel and 3 mobiles from his 40% left. Lunches he buys presume he could take packed lunch from home if he wanted to.

DP could have saved as the OP does but seems he has not, to the same extent as OP does and she brought her own savings into the relationship and continues to save what she can from her own 40% after bills.

Well done OP you’ve been badly burned in the past and are making sure you won’t be again. No idea why your DP hasn't saved much before or after being with you.

Hope I have remembered your details correctly.

I've hidden money from my DH, and when times got hard that's what we fell back on. He never asked where the money came from, as he respected the fact that everything I do is for the good of myself and the family. I know that is not the same situation, but I can imagine explaining to my DH your scenario. He would tell me if it made me feel more secure about my life situation, then crack on. DH is a wonderful man, married 10 years. But even the best relationships go sideways, and I see nothing wrong with having a cushion for yourself and your children if you find yourself in a bad way.

I think as long as your money is also being used alongside his for day to day expenses and joint savings and you're not saving money by just spending what he gives you and saving all of your own, then there's no problem.

He has 40% of his income that he can spend or save as he sees fit.

You're not married so it is absolutely essential that you have your own savings as well. Whilst he may be a great guy who would never leave you, there could be something that happens in the future that changes how he behaves towards you. If he was to up and leave, you'd need your own money to get by, as would he, if you did the same.

Will you keep adding to this pot @AlwaysNonStop?

I think no matter what anyone says - you’ve already got a good reason why you’re doing what you’re doing so I’m not sure what or why you’re even asking.

I don't understand all the angst in the comments. I agree with the voting that YANBU.

My reading is that OPs DP has accepted her son as their son and everything has been split 50/50 with both paying 60% of their salary. Any extra after bills are paid goes into joint savings. OP works less hours for her money to facilitate her looking after their children.

Done "joint" expenses are paid seperately, but both are happy as they balance out eg his commute vs her ferrying their children around.

Both are happy.

Out of her 40% OP saves a substantial chunk. OPs DP chooses to save less. All good as this is their set up and both are happy. OP actually pays more than DP as she dips into her savings for emergencies, holidays and trips. It could be argued that this is unfair and both should contribute more to joint savings.

She's not demanding to know what DP is wasting his money on, but happy to contribute extra to the family from her 40% when needed. To me that's the opposite of financial abuse.

If he knew you had this money, would he be fine with it or annoyed that you'd not been frank? I'm assuming that he's well aware of your past trauma around financial abuse and, given that, I would expect my partner to be understanding. My husband knows I have savings but doesn't know how much and isn't bothered by it but then again we keep our finances totally separate which completely works for us.

I think every woman should have a running away fund personally, even if her spouse is kind and lovely. If you don't need it, no harm done and you just have a nice nest egg but if you need to make a quick break...it could save your life.

@TotteringonGently thing is if you are married you are taking away a marital asset if run off with some money

When people who are married refer to this as a running away fund, it is generally money they will need in the short term to feed and house themselves/their children for the period of time after they have had to leave the marital home and before any financial settlement is finalised. You don't tend to receive your share of the marital assets for months/years after the split. It's to be used as a stop gap and can be taken into account later when the assets are divided up.

I can see why you’re struggling with the honesty aspect, but you’ve saved it yourself fair and square so no need to feel guilty as such.

How does the family savings build up? Is that his left over money every month that you then match, or is it just from his money? And yours goes into your savings?

id tell him personally, but you need to call it something, like a retirement fund, so it is clear that you can ‘borrow’ from it, but the overall plan is to have it there and continue to build it, not spend it.

Is it ok for men to also have a running away fund ?
Sorry i quoted the wrong poster that was supposed to be the poster above

Keep schtum. Every woman should have her own money.

So if I’ve got it right, you both contribute equally to the joint pot for outgoings and joint savings. Earn the same amount. You keep the rest in your own bank accounts, to do with as you wish and again, this is about the same amount each. You save some of your money, your dp doesn’t seem to save much of his. You don’t take money from the joint account for your own savings. If this is all correct, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, except perhaps your dp not knowing what is going on with the joint accounts. Insist he has access to these so he can see how much is in joint savings etc - even if he then doesn’t bother checking.

I can understand keeping your pre-relationship money separate. I'd be less comfortable with you adding to it from your income now, that should go into your own name, but with full disclosure. You might not be married, but you share two children, so you're in pretty deep, without the rubber stamping of a marriage certificate. I get that having your own money stashed away provides a degree of comfort, but it also makes me feel a bit uneasy.

I suppose it depends on how you see your relationship. Are you two individuals that are attracted to each other and share a house, and are each a parent to your children? Or do you see yourself as a long term loving couple, a united mother/father parenting team with shared and intertwined long term plans, financial and companionship-wise including retirement and growing old together, a marriage in all but name? If its the former, I think you're doing the right thing. If its the latter, well a man would be torn a new one on here.

The people saying this could be seen as financial abuse, they must remember that almost always it's the mother who has to take care of the kids if their relationship ends. We are also usually the financially vulnerable one in the relationship. Too many times I have seen men up and leave their families with nothing, women having to go into refuges etc. men are usually working full time and can just go. We cannot. We need that safety net. Look at benefits now for example, five weeks before anything's paid out. There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself financially