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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Hide Savings From DH

237 replies

AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 01:16

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

OP posts:
TotteringonGently · 26/03/2024 22:38

TheCompactPussycat · 26/03/2024 14:09

When people who are married refer to this as a running away fund, it is generally money they will need in the short term to feed and house themselves/their children for the period of time after they have had to leave the marital home and before any financial settlement is finalised. You don't tend to receive your share of the marital assets for months/years after the split. It's to be used as a stop gap and can be taken into account later when the assets are divided up.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly this. You might have to argue you're hidden a few thousand in court but that few thousand could also be the emergency parachute that gets you away from a potentially violent abuser.

Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:06

IAmThe1AndOnly · 26/03/2024 10:13

The savings IMO just make up a bigger picture of financial control. I wouldn’t necessarily say abuse but definitely control. Imagine a OP here posted:

Been living with DP for 6 years. He has a 14 year old son from a previous marriage, his ex wife ran up a lot of debt when they were together, so when they split he paid her off so she would never see their son again.

Now we live together and DP controls all the money. We both earn roughly the same amount but I give him 60% of my salary and he uses it for household expenses. Thing is, it goes into his bank account. I have no idea of the family finances because all the accounts are in his name only - we don’t have a joint account, and the only account I have access to is my personal account my salary goes into. Now I’ve just found out that he has £15000 in savings stashed away.”

The responses would be vastly different. From people questioning what the ex wife’s side of the story really is, paying someone off to relinquish their child then leading into controlling all the family money to the extent that the new partner has no idea, and meanwhile saving a pot of £15k really isn’t a good look, and smacks of financial control.

Posters would be urging the OP to demand that they set up a joint account for the household expenses, although they would also be cautioning the OP to be wary in case of a split, they’d be wondering if he’d want to buy her off as well to give up the kids.

It’s one thing having a savings account from your own money which is left over from your money once you’ve put your amount into the family pot.

It’s quite another to have control over all the money, with the partner having no idea what actually goes into the family pot, since there isn’t a family pot, all the money is the OP’s, he just gives her some of his, and for the person in control of all the money, to have stashed £15k away in the past ten years.

There’s no way of knowing where that money’s come from. Because once it leaves his bank account it all becomes her’s.

And I don’t care how awful the ex was. Assuming he actually was. Buying someone off to give up their child is despicable. And one day it will come back to bite you. Don’t be naive in thinking that your DS won’t go looking for his dad one day and find out the truth, whatever his dad’s side of the truth really is. Social media is a powerful tool these days.

So initially I thought your point was quite interesting and I could see your side. I’m the first to admit I like to be in control. I need order, routine, stability, independence. My wonderful partner is far more laid back, he doesn’t like dealing with all the admin side of life and is more than happy for me to take care of it. He trusts me to make the best decisions for our family.

in regards to my ex-husband, that’s a whole different ball game and for you to describe me as “despicable” when you don’t know me or my ex husband is ridiculous. Yes my son will undoubtedly come across him at some point and may want to meet him and I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Fortunately he doesn’t even have his full name because if he did he could go straight on to google and see that he’s been in prison twice, a drug addict and blasted all over the local media for conning 3 old woman out of their savings. So yeah, I absolutely done the right thing for my son and I will NEVER apologise for it!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:09

scaredofff · 26/03/2024 09:49

I think I would feel a bit uneasy about the amount too but you have to separate it into 2

There is a difference between a running away pot and savings. The first is designed for an emergency when you may be vulnerable and have 3 children to think about. So should be kept private
The other is for your future, plans, rainy days and treats. Same as his £2k. Which you know about so you can (if you want to disclose) tell him how much you have for this

Thank you. I think I’m going to do as suggested. Keep a safety net away that he doesn’t know about, just for my own peace of mind and then put the other half in the family pot and it will be a nice surprise if he ever does ask what’s in the savings. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:11

femfemlicious · 26/03/2024 10:18

How have you allocated the joint savings versus your own personal savings?. How much is the joint savings.

Joint savings fluctuates with Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc but there’s always a minimum of about £5000 in it

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:15

BMW6 · 26/03/2024 10:21

I think you should talk this over with him.

He knows your background and as he's a decent person he will understand your need for a safety net of savings that only you can access surely?

He has the opportunity to have his own nest egg from the 40% of his salary that he doesn't give you after all!

If he objects I'd rethink whether it would be in your interests to get married. Or at least get a prenuptial agreement to protect your savings.

Thank you, I think you’re right. I think the reason I’m morally struggling is because he is so wonderful and we’re genuinely happy. If there was even a flicker of fear, uncertainty, tension then I wouldn’t feel guilty at all, I’d feel like I was defending myself and my children. I think it’s definitely something that I need to work on, just letting that last little bit of my guard down. I’ll always have my emergency fund but maybe I don’t need quite as much. Thank you x

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 26/03/2024 23:18

Fraaahnces · 26/03/2024 01:29

Firstly, I think all women should do this. You never know the future. Yes it’s a “running away fund”, but it could equally be an “If DP had a life-limiting illness, we could have a holiday fund” or “If war broke out we could go somewhere else fund”.

Shouldn’t that be ‘everyone should do this?’

None of those reasons are exclusive to women - most threads where women find out their partner has a ‘secret stash’ involve everyone telling the OP to LTB!

SD1978 · 26/03/2024 23:18

When you've both had exactly the same opportunity to save, and co tribute the same amount to the joint pot, I am really finding it difficult to work out how people are justifying that his 40% is his, and your 40% that you've chosen to save is his also- that sounds ridiculous to me. So because you're more frugal with your 40% that doesn't go into shared expenses and savings, the family deserve it, not the person who saves it? I'd really rethink that.

Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:18

Dweetfidilove · 26/03/2024 10:24

I’m an advocate of a run away fund. Every woman should have one, said my very wise grandmother (none of her advice has been wrong yet).

You are also unmarried, so it’s even smarter to have a cushion.

Your partner can do similar from the remaining 40% of his income.

it was my nana that taught me the same. She was from a generation where the men went to work and often it meant women became trapped because they were completely dependent. She would save the change from her shopping money, even if it was pennies, and squirrel it away without my grandad knowing. They were married 63 years and never had a joint account

OP posts:
BreakingAndBroke · 26/03/2024 23:23

I think every woman would benefit from having a secret getaway fund. You never know when you might need it. I'm not particularly distrustful of people in general, but I know a number of women who are in unhappy relationships but are trapped and can't leave due to financial reasons.

Dweetfidilove · 26/03/2024 23:23

AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:18

it was my nana that taught me the same. She was from a generation where the men went to work and often it meant women became trapped because they were completely dependent. She would save the change from her shopping money, even if it was pennies, and squirrel it away without my grandad knowing. They were married 63 years and never had a joint account

Show quote history

That’s right. We hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. You may never need it, but it’s always useful to have.

DanielGault · 26/03/2024 23:24

AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:18

it was my nana that taught me the same. She was from a generation where the men went to work and often it meant women became trapped because they were completely dependent. She would save the change from her shopping money, even if it was pennies, and squirrel it away without my grandad knowing. They were married 63 years and never had a joint account

Show quote history

She was right. How many times on here have we seen women being screwed because they assumed their husbands were perfectly trustworthy? And got proved horribly wrong. A running away fund is a really good idea imo.

Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:26

IAmThe1AndOnly · 26/03/2024 10:25

But that’s not true.

OP has various money going into her sole account. Some of that money she uses for paying the bills, some of that money goes into her savings.

I have a couple of different amounts go into my account every month. Out of that money I pay the bills, I have a standing order into my savings account, I couldn’t say “well, the salary paid for the mortgage, and my PIP paid for the standing order into the savings,” once it’s all in one account, it’s all her money which she divides up as she sees fit.

Having a separate savings account after she’s put into the family pot isn’t the issue. If they don’t share general finances then what she had over left from her salary is her’s to do with as she wishes. She can spend it on savings or spa trips if that’s what she wants to do, as can he.

But the proble here is the lack of joint finances in terms of the household expenses. Things would be so much clearer if they had a joint account for the bills, and then kept what was left to do what they wanted with. By it all becoming her money muddies the waters in terms of who contributes to what.

Show quote history

I understand where you’re coming from, like saying his salary paid the bills, my salary is extra so I’ll put £200 in joint savings and £500 in my secret savings.

Thats not how I do it though. I have exact spread sheets of our finances. I worked out how much all the bills are, right down to the window cleaner. I split it in half and then we both add £200 on each half and that puts £400 into the family pot. We tend to have a 2 week holiday in July so apr/may/jun we’ll both tighten the purse strings a little and put an extra £100/£150 in the savings that helps buy the kids clothes etc and then the same at Christmas. Around September we’ll start adding a little more to that pot instead.

OP posts:
ZetuianRose · 26/03/2024 23:26

I’ve always had my own finances, in this relationship and my previous one.

As long as what you both contribute to the pot is equitable (not “is he happy with it” but is it actually equitable) then what you (and he) do with what is left over is up to you. He’s no automatic right to know your financial details, you said he knows you save your money, so what’s the issue? Even if you told him, why would you think this would be a problem?

I’ve always been a saver, I have a fair bit stashed away, but I pay my bills too. DP knows I save, I wouldn’t have a problem disclosing what I have, but he also has no say whatsoever about what I do with that money.

Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:31

Highfivemum · 26/03/2024 10:26

It all depends on the intent… if it is so you have a near egg and so you have money to hand if you need it as a family then yes. If it is so you can spend it or intend on doing other things without him then no.
I like you handle all the finances. My DH does not know what he eats as everything is joint. I have a nest egg that I put aside for us if and when we need it. I song lie about it though my DH knows about it but has no clue how much is in it. He trusts me.
in your situation from wot u have said I would keep it as a nest egg.
there if u need it for the family.

This is exactly it, thank you. It started as a run away fund and probably only the last 2 years I see it more as a family emergency fund. It’s reassurance that if somethings happens, we’re covered. My partner had a medical issue last year (all good now) but the emergency savings allowed me to give him the reassurance that he could take the 2 months off that he needed to recover whilst only getting 50% pay

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:36

femfemlicious · 26/03/2024 10:28

Your partner is setting himself up for a rude shock if you ever split up

Yeah that’s probably true but unless he done something really hideous to me I’d never see him go without. We’ve built a life together and although we aren’t married all our belongings are 50/50, including the family savings, so if we split and there was £4K in it then £2k would be his. The only separate thing is my savings

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:37

HebburnPokemon · 26/03/2024 10:35

He's subsidising your kid and you have secret savings... 🤔

Also, why aren't you married if you've been engaged so long?

He’s OUR kid. He’s raised him since the age of 3 and would adopt him in a heartbeat if he could.

the reason we aren’t married (not that it’s any of your business) is because there was a little thing called A GLOBAL PANDEMIC!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:46

jacks11 · 26/03/2024 10:41

I think whether you are unreasonable or not depends on a few factors. How would you feel if he had “secret” savings? And do you think he would be upset to find out about yours? If you would be upset/annoyed/feel betrayed if he had saving he kept secret from you, then I think you are unreasonable to keep it from him. If you really think he would be upset to find you felt you needed a secret savings fund, but chose to keep it from him, then I do think you are unreasonable to keep it a secret (I understand how you got here, but it may be time to reconsider keeping the savings secret).

If he is genuinely a good man and partner, then I think he will probably be ok with it, if he understands why it happened. But I think it possible that he might feel hurt that you felt you needed a running away fund (I think i might be in his position, even if I understood the context). It needn’t be a relationship ending thing, but it might sting a bit. Though, generally I think there are issues you need to address- either you as an individual or you both as a couple- if you feel the need to keep significant secrets or lie to him.

Ultimately, it is your money, so yours to do with as you wish (assuming you are not , in which case the legal standing is a bit more complicated than that, I think).

You are absolutely right so thank you for your wise words and taking the time to reply.

I think it will sting a little and that’s why I’m battling with myself. It wouldn’t bother me at all if he had a secret stash (he might have but I don’t think so) but I think it would hurt if he was to say he had it incase we ever split up, I’d feel like he was thinking it was a possibility and planning to leave.

I think I definitely need money aside that he doesn’t know about, purely for my own comfort but I think the amount is excessive and maybe I could split it in half and put the other half in the joint pot. I could put it in joint savings without him knowing because he genuinely has no clue what’s in the joint savings.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 26/03/2024 23:49

AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:31

This is exactly it, thank you. It started as a run away fund and probably only the last 2 years I see it more as a family emergency fund. It’s reassurance that if somethings happens, we’re covered. My partner had a medical issue last year (all good now) but the emergency savings allowed me to give him the reassurance that he could take the 2 months off that he needed to recover whilst only getting 50% pay

Show quote history

So you see that money is a safety net. If either of you lost your job that 15k would be a godsend. Leave it where it is and keep saving.

Say either of you needed an operation and the NHS waiting list was long. You could pay for that operation. I'm dipping into mine for two teeth implants at the moment. I'll be needing a new hip one day. Neither of those will intrude on our annual income.

Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:55

crumblingschools · 26/03/2024 10:58

If the man was taking control of the money and the money was being paid into his current account which the woman couldn't access and then he covered bills and then divided up the remainder of the money in the current account to joint savings and personal savings accounts, neither of which the woman could access, and as a result he had accumulated £15k in a pot which she didn't know about, would be interesting to see what the responses would be.

Also as a stepfather he is being expected to help finance his stepchild with no financial input from the dad. That always isn't seen as a given if a woman has a stepchild.

It may not be seen as a given in your experience but thankfully it is in mine. He treats our son no different to our daughters, we’re a family and they are all treated equally. There are many people out there who are horrible step parents and I couldn’t be with a man who said well the holiday is costing £3000 but I don’t think it’s fair to take it all from the family pot because he’s not mine so pay the 4 of us from the family pot and you pay his separately. That’s awful behaviour and it’s sad that you find that normal

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/03/2024 23:57

Ye no one has got married in the past four years....

It really does sound like you've chosen a man you can financially control though, even if it's under the guidance of "well he doesn't want to be invovled". He should be involved. You should be encouraging him to see for himself as it were. Again, if roles were reversed then the story would be very different

Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 23:57

BronwenTheBrave · 26/03/2024 12:05

Didn’t have time or inclination to read the full post.
But it is fine for a woman to hide savings (or a pension - see recent thread) from her DP, but the other way round invokes LTB.
Simples. To help you with other posts, just remember that it’s always the man’s fault.

You ok hun?

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 27/03/2024 00:04

Yogatoga1 · 26/03/2024 11:19

Why is he working full time for half the money?

if you want to work part time and take the pay cut then you should both be 50:50 as you both earn the same.

if you both have the same disposable income and ability to save fine, but if you are accessing more than your share then no.

if you want savings why don’t you increase your hours and put the extra away?

Did you read the post?
He works full time for less money because I have qualifications and therefor earn a higher rate of pay. I don’t see how me increasing my work hours (and childcare fees) would help with the question I’ve asked

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 27/03/2024 00:10

MillieIou · 26/03/2024 11:20

How do you define which actual crisp note comes from which person into her personal savings?

Eg:
He pays £1000 a month
OP saves £500 a month

OP couldn't have saved £500 even if none of that £1000 went immediately to her savings. She wouldn't have been able to afford to save it.

Show quote history

As I explained a few times already, we pay equal amounts. Without getting into exact amounts the example would be
He earns £2000 - Pays £1200 to joint bills
I earn £2000 - Pays £1200 to joint bills.
From that £2400 that we’ve paid in, £2000 goes to bills and £400 goes in to savings.

From the £800 I have left I might put £150 into savings. It’s not huge amounts and as I’ve said the £15k has accumulated over 10 years, I’m not putting £500 per month away or anything like that

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 27/03/2024 00:16

MillieIou · 26/03/2024 11:23

Would he be as happy knowing there was £15k stashed? Hes happy but he's uninformed.

Show quote history

He’s happy for me to take responsibility and I’m happy to accept the responsibility. By his own admission if I passed tomorrow he wouldn’t even know how to pay the electric bill. He’s never once asked what’s in the accounts and I think he’s happy living in his little bubble knowing everything’s sorted.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysNonStop · 27/03/2024 00:18

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/03/2024 11:28

If there was no 'back story' would you be doing the same thing?

If yes then YANBU.

If no then YABU - you're looking back through the time telescope which is not fair on your partner.

Honestly, without the back story then probably not but we live and learn. I was left with nothing and I desperately wish I’d had something stashed away back then.

OP posts: