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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

309 replies

TransplantRequired · 25/03/2024 10:38

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

OP posts:
glittereyelash · 25/03/2024 12:43

Before I had a child I probably would have donated to a friend. Now I would only for my husband, child or nieces and nephews.

TomatoWrap · 25/03/2024 12:44

Children, siblings, parents (in that order) - and at a push, one friend if she was out of options.

But...it might be a good idea to give your friends the opportunity to decide for themselves. I probably wouldn't ask them individually, but make your situation known.

I'd be pretty devastated if my friend died and they hadn't felt they could be open about what was wrong and what was needed to survive. It'll be too much to ask for most, but you only need one x

Beautiful3 · 25/03/2024 12:44

Like a previous poster, I've also heard of a three way swap. Where three strangers donate their kidney, for the benefit of their loved one as they're not a direct match.

TomatoWrap · 25/03/2024 12:45

I should add...I'd only be reluctant for my best friend in case one of my family members needed it, however unlikely.
You may have a friend without that dilemma.

BobbyBiscuits · 25/03/2024 12:45

I guess as my mum only had one kidney (other removed aged 2 from cancer) I can see you only really need one! She's been fine and is in her 80s.

Original poster
TransplantRequired · 25/03/2024 12:47

unnumber · 25/03/2024 12:31

I do think I would do it for a stranger. I'm fairly sure I'd do it for a friend. But how would people know if they were a match?

I have no children which probably does make a difference.

What are the chances of any of your friends matching you, OP?

Well, I guess I need to put it out there and find out.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 25/03/2024 12:48

If I had been asked when I was younger, fitter & healthier I definitely would have said yes.

Now it would be more of a risk to me so only if it were the last option for my children.

BlueBadgeHolder · 25/03/2024 12:51

For some friends, and not actually my friend I see the most. I have two friends who are the kind who always help others and do anyone for anything. I would donate to them. The friend I see most is good fun, but can be quite selfish, I would not donate to her.

ThisIsWhatIDo · 25/03/2024 12:51

Cattenberg · 25/03/2024 10:56

I’d definitely do it for my child, would probably do it for another relative and I wouldn’t rule out doing it for a close friend.

I saw a documentary in which a woman wanted to donate a kidney to her husband, but she wasn’t a match. In the end, they took part in a special scheme where the wife donated her kidney to a stranger and the stranger’s relative donated a kidney to her husband. It was a condition of the arrangement that all of the operations had to take place on the same day. Apparently, this scheme has also arranged more complicated three-way swaps.

Edited

A family member of mine received a kidney this way. I think it was a 6 way transplate.

RandomMess · 25/03/2024 12:51

A colleague did for a stranger but she wasn't a parent nor would she become one.

I think I would rather for a stranger in some kidney swap than a friend. As I have DC I wouldn't donate.

pontipinemum · 25/03/2024 12:52

Do both of your kidneys need to go? My nephew had kidney cancer when he was a teenager - really unusual. But he is doing fine with just 1.

Sorry I also wouldn't do it for a friend but I don't really have close friends right now

ohdamnitjanet · 25/03/2024 12:53

If it would save a friends life, I hope I’d be brave enough.

Original poster
TransplantRequired · 25/03/2024 12:54

Thanks to all who have taken the trouble to respond. I hope none of you ever faces this dilemma in reality. I will try and find a way of opening up to my friends and see how it goes.

If you feel able to, perhaps you might consider having this conversation with family and friends. I think if more people thought about it before it became needed, it might help to make more organs available.

Best wishes

OP posts:
BlueBadgeHolder · 25/03/2024 12:56

This is the kind of thing I would post on facebook.

Bigcat25 · 25/03/2024 12:56

I would do it for a friend or sibling. The possibility of an early death would be too sad, especially if they had kids.

KreedKafer · 25/03/2024 12:57

Would I donate a kidney to a friend? In theory, my instinct is that I wouldn't. But in reality, I suspect I might feel differently and end up saying yes in certain circumstances.

Either way, though, I would never, ever think it was inappropriate for a friend to broach the subject with me. Provided the friend was fully prepared to be understanding if the answer was 'no', then they would not be wrong to ask.

mondaytosunday · 25/03/2024 12:57

Only to my family.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 25/03/2024 12:59

Definitely not, but that's just me. I would want to help but going through surgery having a kidney taken out is too much. Also if anything happened and I would need that kidney then i'd be screwed myself. Possibly saving a friend's life could cost me mine. I would do it for any of my children but no one else.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 25/03/2024 12:59

I've never had a close friend, and at this stage of my life all my friends are online i've never met. I would not donate a kidney to any of them.
My list of people i'd donate to is pretty short:
My dad, my sister, my partner of 3 1/2 years, and possibly partners son or his mum, who is actually having kidney issues, and we're both O+, but whom has so many health issues they'd be unlikely to approve a kidney transplant anyway.
Having just had some shit news about my own health today though, i wouldn't be approved to donate anyway.

unnumber · 25/03/2024 12:59

TransplantRequired · 25/03/2024 12:54

Thanks to all who have taken the trouble to respond. I hope none of you ever faces this dilemma in reality. I will try and find a way of opening up to my friends and see how it goes.

If you feel able to, perhaps you might consider having this conversation with family and friends. I think if more people thought about it before it became needed, it might help to make more organs available.

Best wishes

Good luck OP. I'm quite a private person and don't tend to tell friends about problems. Or family! It doesn't mean we aren't close.

I think I would let your friends know you are going on the list for a donation and see if anyone comes forward with an offer.

jazzhands84 · 25/03/2024 13:00

I almost donated a kidney to a stranger! I went through all the tests and passed. Unfortunately I have a history of diabetes in the family which whilst it doesnt stop you (I don't have it), it can be problematic to have with only one kidney and I was advised not to proceed.

I donated blood until I got cancer and now I'm not allowed to donate any more. That does make me sad as although I'm cancer free now, I feel as though I can't ever give back. I'm in my 40s and would really recommend that anyone considering it, start investigating sooner rather than later as there's limits to age for kidney donation.

Littlefish · 25/03/2024 13:00

I offered to do this for a very old friend. It was too complex in the end as they lived in the USA.

dottydodah · 25/03/2024 13:02

TBH I think it is too much to ask really.Even with Parents and siblings .Just DC I would feel happy about .The Consultants and Nurses want a good outcome for their patients and that is why they are pushing like this .

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 25/03/2024 13:03

No. Love donor is for family only.

You can have dialysis in the meantime, it’s not curtains.

Especially not if I have my own children, if the chances for long term success for you are very low anyways, and if we aren’t close enough to talk about health issues.

anxioussister · 25/03/2024 13:04

i think there isn’t a blanket answer here. I am friends with a couple, both work in medicine, who have both donated a kidney to a stranger - because they are healthy + well + see the difference it makes. If you look at the website of a charity called ‘one is enough’ you’ll see lots of stories of these altruistic donations!

I think it’s worth asking. Someone unexpected might surprise you.

I wonder if it’s worth circulating one message to your whole network rather than individually putting people on the spot!

but if I was in your circumstances - I would definitely ask!