Work drama- how to brush it off?

[TargetPractice11]

Name changed because I'm embarrassed to be asking.

I'm fairly senior in my organisation and from the outside probably appear confident and successful.

A member of my team applied for promotion, and I (as part of a panel) turned it down. I didn't think she was ready. My boss (who was part of the panel and said nothing at the time) decided to tell her that he thought she should have been promoted, and that I had obstructed it.

The team member now HATES me. Says I am sabotaging her, that I lied about supporting her career (I do support her, I just objectively didn't think she met the criteria and encouraged her to give it more time and apply next year).

She made a complaint to HR. She's bad mouthing me around the whole organisation. She's been incredibly hostile and rude to me since. She sincerely believes she has been terribly wronged and I have been horrible to her.

Intellectually I know she is being ridiculous.

But FUCK ME- my feelings are so hurt. I am devastated. I can't sleep. I keep questioning myself and I am so stressed I've seen the doctor about medication.

I can't stand it when people are mad at me.

I know this is part of corporate life. Or really any workplace. And I should be able to hack it.

But I just feel sick. And I'm questioning whether I am cut out for management at all.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Do other people just cope with this stuff better? Or just pretend they do?

I would be speaking to your boss for putting you in this situation in the first place!

Sounds to me that your boss was bang out of line.

I’d be speaking to your boss and also to HR, ensuring they understand the reasons you declined the employee’s promotion and showing that they were justified. You’d be sensible to cover your own back, just in case, given that your boss doesn’t seem trustworthy or supportive either!

I spoke to my boss - tumbleweed. No emotional intelligence whatsoever. Not sorry.

HR have no advice either. We had a meeting with HR present to 'clear the air' but otherwise no help at all.

The air remains uncleared!

If what the member of your team has said your boss said is true, then your boss has undermined you - which in my view is way more unnerving than the member of your team's behaviour.

Furthermore the underlying dyanimc in your boss undermining you may also what has given the team member licence to think they can talk about you in this way.

In your shoes I'd be looking to update my CV and moving on rather than staying working for someone who would do that to me.

You don’t go to work to be friends with people.

Straight bat to your aggrieved junior colleague: in your professional opinion, she didn’t meet the criteria for promotion. You would advise her to work in X,Y and Z to improve her application for next time

Your boss sounded like a typical boss. Playing the good cop. That’s how he kept his position above you. Something to learn from.

be professional. My boss only care about what’s in his objectives for the year and NOTHING else. I suggest you re-read your objectives and stick to it. At the end of the day, you were not rated based on how many complaints. But if you’ve met the objectives.

deal with HR matter professionally. Stick to facts. Trust your instinct.

she behaved like that actually proof you were right for not promoting. She could have dealt with it differently but not bad mouth and rude.

Happened to a friend of mine, was asked to apply, then turned down, the manager thought she couldn’t cope without her and blocked the promotion. Job given to a fresh out of college student, to her 8 years in the company.

It stings - and you should have been more up front in the first place or not on the panel. People won’t trust you now.

So either:
You were wrong - were you? If so, you just apologise and sort it out.
There could be multiple reasons for this - and they don't necessarily need to be ones you are both patry too.

Or they were wrong and your boss didn't either have the correct information or there is another non-business relationship going on.

Anyway - work out which is the issue straight away.

As 'MumDaisy1980' said, this woman proved you were correct not to promote her, by the way she has behaved. She is obviously unable to maintain her composure at work when things go against her, which in my opinion is ALWAYS a bad sign, as these sort of people seem to enjoy stirring up trouble, not a good thing in the work place. So I would be inclined to have a word with her, and tell her that if she continues to be rude to you, and berate you to everyone at work, she will unfortunately not be getting your vote next time she applies, as she's clearly unable to maintain professionalism in the work place!

I didn't ask her to apply. She informed me she was applying to my boss for promotion.

Previously my boss had made all hiring/promotion/pay decisions without me.

This time there was a panel- I went through her strengths/weaknesses/ what previous people in that role achieved prior to promotion. I objectively felt I couldn't vouch for her.

I've supported her career in many ways over three years. Argued for her pay increases more than I've advocated for my own.

I've supported her career in many ways over three years. Argued for her pay increases more than I've advocated for my own.

Does she report into you? I think you need to get her off your hands asap. You should not have to support her anymore.

Most people will know she’s being a pain in the arse.

Talk to HR about moving her to a different team.

I don't think I was wrong. But any assessment of performance is subjective.

I don't care if she is promoted, it's nothing to me. But I was asked to make an assessment and I did.

I've apologised to her for not communicating better and said I want to work with her to ensure she feels supported. But she's said a lot of things that are simply untrue. I haven't argued with her about it, just sort of said 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope we can more forward' type things.

Unfortunately what we do is quite niche and she can't be moved internally.

I wish she would resign but I think she knows (at least subconsciously) that she's got it very good in this role and won't get the same conditions somewhere else.

She does report to me, but has learned to go crying to my boss when she's not happy because he has no issue undermining me.

Happens all the time. I don’t understand why it bothers you so much. If it becomes all consuming , then you do need to question if management is for you. I am in senior management employing 20 staff and it’s actually very lonely up there - I’m not there for people to like me, I’m there to do a job. And if she is continuously bad mouthing you, get witnesses then HR need to give her a written warning - that is not on.

Well in that case note everything she does and address it as behavioural issues

Best piece of career advice I got was people will remember how you dealt with your disappointments much more than how you celebrated your successes

In other words this childish behaviour is showing that she is not mature and therefore when the next round of promotions come round she should, going by her behaviours, be pretty far down the list

You most definitely were not in the wrong.

The one not cut out for management is your boss who has behaved in a most unprofessional .anger by not taking collective responsibility for a panel decision.

If anything I may consider raising a grievance against the boss for their undermining of you in a manner that has led to harassment of you by a junior member of staff that has not been resolved adequately by the boss or HR.

This is the problem OP.

Unless he is undermining all his direct reports, your justifably exhausting problem is holding your head up in a workplace where your own manager sides against you with your direct reports, more than worrying about a drama-lama team member who most people are likely to find unprofessional so are likely to ignore.

Your boss is an ass of the highest degree and your assessment does seem correct given her behaviour.

If I were you, I would be more annoyed by him. He completely threw you under the bus and has the emotional intelligence of a potato.

If she reports to you but goes crying to your boss, she’s basically trying to oust you. Put a written complaint to HR about both of them. Keep a diary and written records

Did everyone else think she was suitable including your boss, who theoretically has more say over the order of the day than you, but down to your assessment she didn't get the position? In other words, if you'd been in support of her application would she have sailed through?
Thing is, I've been in her position before and although I didn't subsequently lose all semblance of professionalism by bad mouthing the 'you' in my story- it did make me look at her in an entirely different light. You've been in 'support' of her for 3+ years, ostensibly fighting her corner but you didn't think she was cut out for the job at least just yet.
I can see her POV - your boss thinks she was suitable but you didn't. I think she should try to move elsewhere or sideways because when it's become clear that the path of progression is blocked by someone who appears to be 'rooting for you' - no matter what you do there'll always be a reason why you just didn't make the cut. The anger wears off and it should because people like you exist at all levels in almost every organisation - the only bitter pill she'd need to swallow which she's unaware of is that you genuinely believe you were working in her best interests.

My boss said nothing really. I explained why I thought she'd benefit from another year at least in the current role, reported on my market research about what other organisations look for in the role in terms of experience. He didn't seem interested frankly. If there was anything flawed about my reasoning, that was the opportunity to raise it.

No one else on the panel observed her work day to day. No one had an opposing view.

So who did get the job? How was it decided? It can't just have been you if there was a panel. Sounds like your boss is trying to shift focus away from herself.

@DojaPhat

I think you've captured her perspective really well.

I think 'support' is nuanced in these situations. I support her in terms of giving her good work, nominating her for awards, ensuring she gets credit that's due to her, supporting her travelling for work (something she likes), giving her complete flexibility (hours, WFH etc- something no other manager does). I've supported her receiving promotion and pay rises before.

This time I didn't think she was ready.

I still feel I am supportive, but I think even a supportive boss has to say no sometimes.