Work drama- how to brush it off?

[TargetPractice11]

Name changed because I'm embarrassed to be asking.

I'm fairly senior in my organisation and from the outside probably appear confident and successful.

A member of my team applied for promotion, and I (as part of a panel) turned it down. I didn't think she was ready. My boss (who was part of the panel and said nothing at the time) decided to tell her that he thought she should have been promoted, and that I had obstructed it.

The team member now HATES me. Says I am sabotaging her, that I lied about supporting her career (I do support her, I just objectively didn't think she met the criteria and encouraged her to give it more time and apply next year).

She made a complaint to HR. She's bad mouthing me around the whole organisation. She's been incredibly hostile and rude to me since. She sincerely believes she has been terribly wronged and I have been horrible to her.

Intellectually I know she is being ridiculous.

But FUCK ME- my feelings are so hurt. I am devastated. I can't sleep. I keep questioning myself and I am so stressed I've seen the doctor about medication.

I can't stand it when people are mad at me.

I know this is part of corporate life. Or really any workplace. And I should be able to hack it.

But I just feel sick. And I'm questioning whether I am cut out for management at all.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Do other people just cope with this stuff better? Or just pretend they do?

The problem with people pleasing op is that people are never pleased. You could have gone out of your way to give her waht she wanted - but she may still have been unhappy for some other reason.

Do you have people pleasing tendencies? Ie. do you want to be liked at the cost of your own wellbeing sometimes?

I am also old, senior, experienced etc and still do worry about people 'liking me' at work - I am working hard to overcome this!!!

The questions you need to ask yourself OP - is - did you behave professionally? Did you make what you think was the best decision at the time?

Have you been clear and honest with your colleague? If not - could you amend this?

Then - her response is not within your control and is absolutely not your problem.

I assume in this situation that the employee was requesting a promotion within her current role, for instance an upward move from "junior" to "senior", or "partner" to "manager". It's not about the role being created per se, the role stays the same with added responsibilities such as coaching/managing juniors and strategic input into the objectives of the team for instance.

Think you're getting a bit of a hard time here from some posters, I really can't see what you've done wrong.

I've been in a similar position to your team member and it feels shit (and I think I was actually justified in feeling I'd been treated unfairly), but her slagging you off is totally unacceptable and your boss sounds like a total wanker. If she continues I'd be inclined to start looking at disciplinary procedures

Are you a people manager? Do you just promote people within your team every time they ask for it, whether or not they are demonstrating the skills and achievements required for the role?

And "experience" means nothing, some individuals have 15-20 years experience in their role and still work at relatively junior level because they don't have the skills or ability to progress. There is nothing wrong with that, they will get some progression in salary and responsibilities over the years in the areas they are good at, but they won't get promoted to senior roles.

From your description of her, and the ‘events’ makes me think you are a professional caring person. She obviously feels wronged. You’ve explained more than once – not much more you can do.

I’d think carefully before moving on if I were you. Give it some time.

Clearly her subsequent behaviour shows that you were right in your initial assessment of her. In fact, maybe not right enough…

And "experience" means nothing, some individuals have 15-20 years experience in their role and still work at relatively junior level because they don't have the skills or ability to progress.

Indeed.

It's a cliche, and patronising, but many people have 1 year's experience 20 times, rather than 20 years' experience.

I still feel I am supportive, but I think even a supportive boss has to say no sometimes

This is so true, and FWIW it sounds as if you've handled it all very well, but unfortunately some just aren't capable of accepting the word "no", and as others have said her behaviour shows her unsuitability for current promotion

Hopefully she'll simmer down, or better still leave, but for now it doesn't sound as if you can do much more than you're already doing - albeit for a hopeless boss

Think you're getting a bit of a hard time here from some posters, I really can't see what you've done wrong

There's a contingent on MN who seem to feel that "all bosses are bastards" and automatically in the wrong, @Rosecoffeecup, so it's only to be expected that such a thread will attract them

It's usually pretty easy to tell who has management experience and who doesn't, and even easier to see when someone hasn't read all the OP's posts. Naturally everyone's entitled to their view, but you'd hope they'd at least be informed ones

Your boss sounds like a liability and the colleague like a spoilt brat. You are the only one who sounds like they know what they're about and are behaving professionally.
Log every instance of her bad-mouthing you and of being hostile, rude etc to you. Then take it to HR.

@Bearbookagainandagain Yeah I am and yes I do support promotions when people ask for them. Imo people ask for them because they feel ready and are
super motivated, particularly women, who tend to underestimate their own skills. Interestingly I find most people who don’t support a promotion are women in my industry, which just fills me with despair. Others have pointed out that if this person couldn’t do the job she would fail and it would reflect on her, not the OP. The OP seems imo overly concerned with protocol and seems to think she can predict the future. I say let her go for it if she wants it. That’s MY opinion and in years of supporting promotions, I have never seen a person who ‘wanted it’ fail.

I agree with this and would add to log your boss's behaviour here as well. I would also use your own words with HR:

For the same money we could hire someone much more experienced and capable. I felt like it would be wrong to tell the company it was a good idea to elevate her to that level.

I was cautious of my boss, who is always eager to jump on me making the wrong call. I didn't want to recommend someone who wasn't ready, have her fuck it up, and then he'd blame me for promoting her prematurely.

He could have promoted her if he wanted to. He could have shared his view at the time, and I would have been fine with it. He was in the room, making that decision.

It's just feeling like a no-win situation in retrospect. If I'd promoted her he might have done his own research and come back with 'why did you promote X when she has so much less experience than the appointees to that level?'

She is undermining you by going over your head to your boss and he is undermining you by blaming you for what was ultimately his decision. If it was me, I'd be lodging a complaint against my boss rather than my direct report.

I have only worked in v large orgs (NHS and academia) where criteria for promotion are very explicit. Even then some people take rejection extremely personally.

Your boss does sound like they placed you in a difficult position. Although I would guess s/he did not say 'I would have promoted you, I was just persuaded not to by @TargetPractice11'. It's more likely she asked for feedback and got some waffle that I think you are great, you obviously meet the criteria for promotion, yada yada, panel decision, please do apply again. And because she's hurt but badmouthing the boss might cause problems she's badmouthing you instead - target practice as you say.

There is literally nothing you can do about these kind of histrionics. They will pass. You sound like you have supported her and presumably colleagues know you don't have a history of going around stabbing people in the back. Obviously its always worth reflecting on your decisions but provided you feel confident in the one you made here the only thing to do with this kind of thing is suck it up.

I've sucked up a lot of nonsense over the years. There are very few situations where it makes sense to respond. Only outright lies which will also hurt third parties or core operations. Otherwise carry on being competent in your role and ignore, ignore, ignore. Vent here or with people outside work. It will pass fairly fast.

And it doesn't mean you are not cut out for management. Learning to ignore ignore ignore is a skill you acquire in management.