Work drama- how to brush it off?

[TargetPractice11]

Name changed because I'm embarrassed to be asking.

I'm fairly senior in my organisation and from the outside probably appear confident and successful.

A member of my team applied for promotion, and I (as part of a panel) turned it down. I didn't think she was ready. My boss (who was part of the panel and said nothing at the time) decided to tell her that he thought she should have been promoted, and that I had obstructed it.

The team member now HATES me. Says I am sabotaging her, that I lied about supporting her career (I do support her, I just objectively didn't think she met the criteria and encouraged her to give it more time and apply next year).

She made a complaint to HR. She's bad mouthing me around the whole organisation. She's been incredibly hostile and rude to me since. She sincerely believes she has been terribly wronged and I have been horrible to her.

Intellectually I know she is being ridiculous.

But FUCK ME- my feelings are so hurt. I am devastated. I can't sleep. I keep questioning myself and I am so stressed I've seen the doctor about medication.

I can't stand it when people are mad at me.

I know this is part of corporate life. Or really any workplace. And I should be able to hack it.

But I just feel sick. And I'm questioning whether I am cut out for management at all.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Do other people just cope with this stuff better? Or just pretend they do?

Yes, it’s a pretty clear escalation chain.

Have a meeting first (using facts and citing company policy) about her behaviour being out of line. Make a record of it.

next instance, formal route

So employee wanted a post creating so she could be promoted.

She went above your head and pitched it to your boss who agreed

You were on the panel alongside your boss you argued why she wasn't ready no one disagreed including boss.

Boss told her you are the reason she didn't get the job. She has slated you to the team feeling you wronged her.

Your boss is a dick. I think head held up. Do your job be fair and of she crosses a line report her to hr

And maybe look for a new job

Can you talk to HR about the next step? Everything you say about this employee's conduct makes her sound incredibly unprofessional. HR need to point out to her that her conduct is amply justifying the decision not to promote her. They should tell her to grow up, pack in the moaning and bad-mouthing, and get on with her work if she wants to keep her job.

But the rest of the panel didn't override the OP.

If they thought the applicant could do the job she had 'created' then they could easily have done so.

The OP didn't have veto

Could you get HR to send her a message.
Dear employee, while everyone in the meeting can see you are well on the way to being promoted, everyone at the meeting agreed you need to do x y z.
We can book you this course or that course to help you advance in your chosen path way.
Your progress will be review in 2025.

In my opinion she’s proving your assessment correct. Suitability for promotion is based on behaviours and ability right? So her kicking off and acting like a petulant child just proves she wasn’t ready.

If she handled it with grace, but still being honest that you’d upset her, then you may be questioning your decision more.

I sure as hell wouldn’t promote someone who was being such a knob.

Reading some of the replies in this thread slating OP reminds me why no longer having any direct reports is so liberating.

It's tricky, OP, if you're struggling with self-doubt and questioning yourself rather than being confident you're right and staying 'on the front foot'.

You will need to tackle this head-on, I'm afraid, and tear a strip of the shit-stirring junior. People like her only respond to directly being told how things are, that you don't appreciate the attitude, and that if she doesn't put a stop it, you will do.

Unfortunately you do come across people who can't be managed any other way. They can't be reasoned with and won't suddenly realise they're wrong and that they can't behave like this. I totally understand how difficult this is if that's not in your nature, but she will grind you down and make your work life a complete misery if you let her.

I would seriously consider setting about managing her out, starting with the disciplinary angle for her insubordination if it continues, as letting things like this slide can create a sort of rot that you can never recover your position from.

You will likely get a lot of people on MN siding with the junior - this can be seen in many employment related threads where managers are second only to landlords in the disdain they receive.

Just to be clear, when I say "tear a strip off her", I mean metaphorically, not an all guns blazing verbal tirade, obviously.

There are some utterly bizarre responses on here from people who either cannot be bothered to read all responses or have absolutely no idea how things should run in the workplace.

OP, you are quite right to feel very upset by all this. It sounds to me like you did absolutely everything right and you sound like a great manager. Both your boss and your junior staff member sound like complete nightmares.

I would make sure you put everything in writing to HR, detail what has been said about you that is untrue, give examples/evidence as to why. Also be very clear about the part your boss has played in all of this. I would make sure it is all in writing in case anything comes back to bite you further down the line. If she continues to behave in this incredibly unprofessional manner I would ask for a meeting with her to include your boss and HR. She absolutely cannot walk around telling lies about you! Keep notes on everything.

Most people would feel hurt and upset in these circumstances, you need to try and grow a thicker skin but it’s very hard to do. Good luck with it all.

If she wasn't applying for an existing role, but presenting a case for the role to be created (for her or anyone else), surely the discussion should be about whether the business needs the role and what the ongoing impact is? E.g what role is above that one and does it exist in your organisation? Is there a clear career progression, what training is needed etc.

And then the feedback is, the business does/does not need this role.

Oh my god amen to that! I’ve gone from managing a team of 30 to a new role/company where I manage no one and its bliss.

You wrote a much better post than I did, I agree entirely!

I am afraid that once you become 'management' you have to develop a thick hide. Don't apologise for a decision you thought was the right one to take. She might be angry and rather childishly slagging you off to people, but remain professional and distance yourself from her on a personal level. This will pass. She will either leave or get over it but if you feel you made the right decision for the right reasons then you don't need to go grovelling to anyone.

The big problem here is your boss. It looks as though he has deliberately set out to cause you a huge problem by saying nothing and then throwing you under the bus. Why on earth did he blame you? He’s either a careless idiot, or deliberately undermining you. Neither is great. If he’s not likely to be moving on soon I’d try to find something g else because this isn’t going to get better.

I also manage a good number of people and entirely sympathise OP. Sounds like an unpleasant situation to say the least

I have little to add to what @Mangledrake has said and I’ve just nodded along with every one of their replies. Boss might have been specifically being a dick but easily as likely it was path of least resistance and being a coward in not explaining it themselves.

def worth detailing the specifically untrue things to HR if you honestly feel it could have impact. Otherwise what @JPGR has just said is spot on. You were professional and stick with it. And sadly you will need a bit of a thick skin if you aren’t prepared to chuck away your morals/standards/whatever and just make everyone happy (which would be super unprofessional and you’d end up like your boss who you don’t respect)

You sound entirely reasonable in your approach, and are possible feeling bad because her behaviour is unreasonable. Just because you're in a leadership position doesn't mean you have to be made of stone.
I'm in a similar position myself in many ways. Working in a male dominated environment, that, in many ways, does not provide me with the support I need as a woman.
I'm not a walkover, yet I have empathy and concern for those around me. In my experience, the loudest, most demanding voices are often not the best people on the team. Entitlement can be strong and hard to deal with.
Your boss sounds like a dick, and it sounds like this woman is bullying you, so protect your boundaries. Email HR to say that you're finding her behaviour unprofessional and unacceptable. Copy in your boss. If possible, get some senior support from someone who understand. Be cold and polite but firm. Accept that you will never be friends, and challenge her bad behaviour. She's not a toddler, and doesn't get to behave like one at your expense. Sounds horrible, I sympathise.

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted. I've read every reply multiple times.

It's so good to get outside perspectives.

I'm not perfect, I'm hoping to learn from this situation. But my god it's unpleasant.

Is she otherwise able and delivering to a high standard in her current role? The fact she has proposed a brand new role for the organisation shows a degree of proactivity that would indicate her potential for a more senior role. Perhaps instead of an outright no, it could have been part of her development plan and agreed as an initial interim appointment for 6 months (or any time frame) with some clear success parameters and a framework for giving her the support and guidance as part of stepping up, with a view to becoming permanent if it worked out?

However, her behaviour is not acceptable and demonstrates she does not have the maturity to operate at a level where you’re expected to deal with setbacks and complications with the right mindset.

And your boss should not have broken ranks and singled you out as the blocker - he should have just stuck to the script of what was agreed by the panel. Afterall, if he is that senior and he felt strongly that she was ready he could have overruled you anyway.

Document all interactions with both of them and if it carries on put in a grievance. No matter what your level or role in a company no one gets paid enough to be bullied and be a punching bag.

She's not a high performer. She's good at some aspects, needs support with others.

In that case, make sure any development plan, goals etc address the areas you called out as being the ones where she was deficient in the context of the senior role as this cover your back in terms of demonstrating you are doing your bit to support and enable her progression. It’s then up to her to put in the hard yards.

But her poor behaviour has to stop. In all companies I’ve worked at (FTSE Top 30) performance isn’t just about the what you do, it’s also about the how!

You should keep your manager's manager apprised of the situation and how unhappy you are at having confidential assessments being openly shared by your boss. Let HR know that due practices were not followed and this colleague is being very unprofessional. Thirdly, give this subordinate her development points which you think she needs to work on.

Hi OP. Firstly your boss has acted incredibly badly- but then you know that. In terms of your staff member, you have acted absolutely appropriately and I do not think you can or should do more. She applied for a job, she was turned down. She either needs to show she is resilient and can take the odd knock and try again or alternatively she is not right for a promotion.

You have a boss problem.

She's proving you right and quite frankly if you had all this so called power o et everyone else on the panel I'm sure you would make better use of it

I have been on many interview panels because I've been a manager since the mid 1990s. Never, ever have any panel members divulged to applicants who were unsuccessful about who said what. We might talk about things they might work on to be ready next time but it would be unthinkable to say what your boss said. He seriously undermined you and either he is very stupid or he did it deliberately or some combination of the two.

HR is not your friend. They are not some great dispensers of wisdom and fair play. Do you think anybody in HR wants to get involved and sort this out? To be fair, I wouldn't either (and I'm not in HR). HR will not be interested in trying to rein your boss in or trying to shut up your previous protégé. I say previous because hell would be a chilly place before I cut her any slack ever again or argued on her behalf ever again. I'd be keeping excellent records of her stuff ups and bad decisions. Give her copious feedback in future about performance issues - in writing. I'm not sure what sort of organisation you are in but could you get her a secondment and sell it as an opportunity to learn new skills or whatever?

Meanwhile, if anybody raises the abuse she is spreading, shake your head sadly and say you are concerned about her and it being a stressful time for her and you hope that she is coping. Ideally, subtly nudge a notorious gossip into raising the matter while you act and sound like Mother Theresa. Never say that she is lying and attempt to defend yourself by stating all you did do to help her career. Express nothing but warm feelings of concern. Take that approach with HR if you have to because the poor woman is obviously having some issues and you are concerned about her. Frankly, your colleagues seeing this playing out are not going to be that impressed because they can probably imagine her turning on them too. People have disappointments about jobs all the time but they are not roaming the halls gnashing their teeth and wailing.

Show that you can handle the pressure by being sweetness and light to everybody - I mean obviously not being a walkover about stuff but not showing that you are upset. No crying in the ladies. Get your hair done, buy a new outfit. Concentrate on making your outputs and burnishing your credentials with your supporters in the organisation.

Yes, I have worried about decisions I have made that didn't work out. Or unexpected things which went wrong. I have felt hot and cold and sweaty or sick to my stomach about some of them. I tell my husband about them. I don't air those feelings at work ever. I might express regret or apologise about something not being a great outcome but I would never beat myself up at work about something. If all else fails, I ask myself what would most men do. Most men know that breaking ranks like your boss has done is a sign of huge disrespect and they would be making very serious very quiet moves to leave while watching their backs. In future, choose your protégés more carefully and always prioritise your own salary and job.

OP your first mistake here was apologising for not communicating. What exactly were you supposed to communicate?
She made this application, going over your head, without being open with you. Transparency works both ways.
Your second mistake, related to the first, was not coming down hard on her with the truth. You have not countered anything your boss said, that it was 'you' that blocked it. In truth, either he or the panel could have pushed, but didn't. What you should have said was the business, as a whole, did not see the need for the role. End of.
Your final mistake, in your gift to make or not. Will be to keep her, instead of getting rid. She will continue to cause problems if not managed out.

@Yellowroseblooms has some great advice. Take it, and learn. We all make mistakes, we then toughen up and move forward.